What does it take to plan one stinking Tribute

First Rumsfeld plans a Clint Black 9-11 "Freedom Concert" so the Chicken Hawks can parade around, not enlist and mock the soldiers.

Now the NFL is going EXTRA LAME with a 9-11 salute prior to the opening day games, with the one and only person that can dignify the solemnity of the day. The one entertainer in the world that can't make this a strong classic rememberance.

No, Not Tony Bennet
No, Not Stevie Wonder
No, Not Bruce Springsteen
Shit man I would take Donny and Marie for Crying out loud.

NOPE THE NFL IS GOING WITH A MUCH MORE DEMOGRPAHIC FRIENDLY: (Apparantly Paris Hilton wasn't available!)

FUCKING JESSICA SIMPSON?????





NFL to recognize fourth anniversary of Sept. 11


NEW YORK, N.Y. (Aug. 30, 2005) -- The NFL will remember the tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001 and salute the spirit of America with a special nationally televised live tribute prior to the start of the nine 1 p.m. ET regular-season opening games on Sunday, Sept. 11.
"America the Beautiful" will be performed by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey from FedEx Field in Landover, Md. at 12:58 p.m. ET, prior to the Chicago Bears-Washington Redskins game. Their performance will be televised nationally by CBS and FOX and also be seen by fans on in-stadium video screens at the other game sites.
This national salute will be followed in each of the nine stadiums with the playing of the national anthem as part of special on-field activities.
Details of local club tributes that day will be announced shortly.

My life is on hold

Okay so some guy (Let's just call him Mr. Mutherfucker) stole my ATM card. Not just stole.. swiped.

Without my ATM Card ever leaving my wallet, someone went around town (LA) and stole all my money... at ATM's!

Even after Mr. Mutherfucker had taken it all and I was overdrawn WELLS FARGO still let him take another $400... If I am overdrawn I can't do that! Why does Mr. MF get more customer service than I do.

Here's the kicker... I forgot to pay my phone bill. I got a notice saying they were gonna shut it off.. so I send them check, Check bounces.. ALL phones go dead. I have that convienient package plan.

So now I am hold waiting for someone at Wells Fargo to pick up the phone. Mr. Mutherfucker is probably getting that new blowjob model I-Pod, that I want.

here are some of the things they say when you are on hold.

"This is a fast-paced world... we appreciate your patience!"
"In just a moment you will be getting excellent customer service"
"We love to hear suggestions... just let us know."

Shake Up In Boulder

Strange things were afoot in Boulder this weekend. It was awesome that Elaine Youngs and Rachel Wacholder beat out the champs again. It's not the Kerri Walsh and Misty May have been slipping.. It's just that EY/Rachel just keep getting better.

However, there are two little known victories that shouldn't be allowed to slip through the newscycle. The teams of Carrie Busch (pictured left) /Leane McSorely (ranked 6th) and Angie Akers/Nicole Branagh. (Ranked 11)
The finished 3,4 and 5th, respectively. All of these teams pulled off major upsets against the semifinal staple teams of Kessey/McPeak and Turner/Wilson. One of the reasons that the Men's has been more popular ovwer the years is that it is very competitive with upsets occuring regularly. This also means a a regular rotation on the Nationally televised matches.
There seems to be a new breeze blowing on the beach.The matchups overall seem to be closer.
The play fiercer.

Improvement is on the March. The sport is changing.

Angie Akers (pictured left) was the partner of the uber- tenatcious Wacholder last year. It could be that Angie is improving to the point where she will be a major player next year.
With her partner, Orinda, California's Nicole Branagh, Akers/Branagh came within three points of taking Busch/McSorely, something I thought had been previously out of there reach.


With only two major tournies left- Chicago this weekend (NBC) and Vegas next (FSN), the ground work for next year is getting thrown down.
Hear me now !

2006 will be some of the fiercest competition at Women's AVP ever.

Was there anything that Noah couldn't do?

The LA TIMES ran a piece on Sunday's front page about a Christian Store that is now proclaiming that the T-Rex is only 6000 years old and was, in fact, in the Garden of Eden AND on Noah's Arc.

Now before calling these guys nutjobs. Let's look at the facts.

According to Christ Centered Mall.

"The length of the ark shall be 300 cubits, the breadth of it 50 cubits, and the height of it 30 cubits"; that is, 450 x 75 x 45 feet."

Okay so we know how big the Arc was.

A T-Rex was 14-16 feet tall, 39 to 46 feet in length. So yes you could fit one on Noah's arc. In fact you could fit two. As long as they didn't move. I guess they could make more room by eating... oh just about any other animal on the ship.

They also weighed about 5 to 7 tons.. Pretty heavy for a boat that small... but I guess it's doable. I mean the boat was built with help from God.

Now here is the thing I can't figure out...

How the HELL did Noah get that thing on the boat? Tie a lasoo on his neck and drag him in? Maybe drugged his food? The ole "Free Beer on Board" sign? Is it even possible to live in close proximity to a T-Rex during a flood for forty days. I know people who haven't been able to live with me for 40 days. I am far less flatulent than T-Rex. At least I'd like to think so.

Also, these Christian's make no mention of the Sleezstacks. Perhaps they didn't make the boat on time.

Take it to the Streets Brash!

I've been crazed at work, Giles (the serious one) is on vacation.
I simply have nothing to say...
So I refer you to always entertaining and poignant Brash Limburgh on the toll that Cindy Sheehan is having on unrelated industries.

What he discovers WILL SHOCK YOU!

What's a kid gotta do?

Some people are pretty hard to impress...

I think this is worth at least a "B"


A 16-year-old boy invented a hamster-powered mobile phone charger as part of his GCSE science project.

Peter Ash, of Lawford, Somerset, attached a generator to his hamster's exercise wheel and connected it to his phone charger. Elvis does the legwork while Peter charges his phone in an economically and environmentally friendly way.

He came up with the idea after his sister Sarah complained that Elvis was keeping her awake at night by playing for hours on his exercise wheel.

"I thought the wheel could be made to do something useful so I connected a system of gears and a turbine," he said.

"Every two minutes Elvis spends on his wheel gives me about thirty minutes talk time on my phone."

The teenage inventor was given a C for his project and has been awarded a D overall for the course.

Getting Paid to take the Day Off

My older brother just called me. He's a lighting director for national tv channel. So he gets to travel a lot.
Big Crackpot: Hey buddy how ya doing...?
Little Crackpot: Working in my grey little cubicle, life don't get better than this...
Big Crackpot:I'm in Chicago..
Aw shit, here it comes. I throw down the sheet of black and white numbers that I can't make sense of and they hit the floor of my grey little world.
Big Crackpot: I'm at Wrigley Field, I got a big beer, a large bag of peanuts and guess what.. Ferris Bueller just threw out the first pitch.
Oh... and I am still on the clock.
I am know officially playing the Jennifer Grey role in Ferris Beullers Day Off

Let's catch up with the Alumni

I went to a fancy schmancy boarding school in Missouri. I somehow managed to get much needed financial grants because people liked my Mom and I could carry a tune. I tried to fit in and even dabbled in the Reagan Arts. I got my come-uppance by attendeding San Francisco State University (after a spewing away some time at Diablo Valley Junior college, once ranked by Playboy as having hot girls there... IN YOUR FACE, DUKE, COLUMBIA and CHICO STATE!!!!). My Poli Sci teacher at SFSU was Angela Davis who, regardless of what you may think, is a very nice lady.

That Black Panther thing intimidates some folks.

So anyways, I got my alumni news letter.

Let's see what folks are up to. I am a blogger AND an accountant... TOP THAT!!!!.

Class of 86..
Jana writes "This has been one big year. My second book came out last January. And I just completed my first session as an elected representative in the Idaho House." Sweetheart, Just remember Dan Quayle won Vice-President. Your Dad lost in a LANDSLIDE! (though he is still better than either Bush)

Class of 02.. "Gary and Mandy are no longer married..." Who the hell writes their Alumni when they GET DIVORCED?? Oh wait.. it says at the end "We would love to catch up with old friends." Wink. Wink.

Class of 1990: Mimi Hoffman still looks great. That's awesome you are still doing the ballet thing.

Class of 74.. (I'm not making this up) Alyson and Nick Wackerman have moved to Aurora, ILL. Bradley Murchison came to visit and this was a perfect time to get together with Nibs Knight.

This one hurts.....

Class of '00: I played football. I sucked. Got knocked out.. often still have a dent in my skull becuase of it. Skinniest. Linebacker. Ever.
The coach was one of the first people who ever said to me (insert thick Louisiana accent) "Mr. Crackpot... you make me so goddamn mad!" Actually he was the only one who has ever referred to me as "Mr." anything. His young daughter a freckled face lass of a girl came out to watch football practice. She was 8 or 9 .. a real "kid" ...jeans and Keds.

Jessica is working in Washington D.C. as an information officer in the U.S. Agency for International Development's Office of Iraq Reconstruction. She drafts weekly memos for Secretary of State Condoleeezza Rice.






(slightly edited, just enough so I don't get my ass kicked. I just got these teeth. Mimi ... that means your husband and Jack Kemp and while I am at it...my old football coach.)

Where Can I Get Me Some of that Christianity?

NEW YORK A new poll finds that the more often Americans go to church, the more supportive they are of U-S foreign policy, including the war in Iraq.

The poll by Public Agenda finds that people who frequently attend worship services are far more likely to support the war on terror and believe that the U-S is achieving its objectives in Iraq.

Americans who never attend worship services are much more likely to believe that the war is damaging international relations and is costing too much in money and casualties.

Public Agenda's Michael Remaley (reh-MAL'-ee) says the poll reflects evangelical Christians' greater tendency to view the world in terms of good and evil, and their support for President Bush.

This is funny because the more often Muslims go to brain washing madrassas the more supportive they are of Osama bin Laden's foregin policy, including the war against America in Iraq. If the evangelical Christians here in America went to the beach and got a really good tan, they would be virtually identical to our Muslim extremist brothers.

Lastly, and correct me if I'm wrong, from what I remember of 18 long years of bitter Catholic teachings, Jesus Christ was primarily known for his anti-war views -- his radical "turn the other cheek" philosophy which is why his teachings became popular with the war weary grunts in the Roman army. The Christians REFUSED to fight back when they were persecuted by the Romans. They were willing to die for Christ's views, but there were not willing to kill for them. See, get it? Prince of Peace, not Prince of Kill. It's truly terrible what has happened to Christianity. For a very brief moment in human history it had the opportunity to change the course of civilization for the better. Instead, its fiercest proponents live so contradictory to its actual teachings they make a mockery of everything Jesus Christ was and still represents. Constantine painted the crucifix on the shields of his army and Christianity died. Now "religious" goon Pat Robertson is calling for the assassination of elected foreign leaders. What, exactly, has changed since Constantine? I wonder what Robertson thinks about the assassination of non-elected religious leaders?

Sometimes I wish that a Second Coming would actually take place so I could watch all these Christian war mongers roast in that lake of fire they dream about so much.

The Things We Learn From Each Other.

On the local news a reporter was Reporting that most of Sheehan supporters were "Nader - Supporters" (or as I like to call then 'Nader Hippies'). He further mentioned that when the "soccer moms" come up then Bush has gotta a big problem!

Nader Hippies are people that have a quest for a Utopia that isn't possible.

Then I got to thinking....

All these Nader Supporters can just take off and go to Crawford for the month??
Don't these people have jobs?
Do these people without Jobs simply have tons of stockpiled cash so they can go all Burning Man in a small man made village and buy an E-Ticket for Rousseau's Wild Ride?

Oh, wait their leader is a guy without a job and just a bunch a cash so he hang out and do nothing.

I guess my real problem with the far left and the far right is that none of these dumb fuckers know how to use a microphone correctly. And they could learn a lot from each other. It might inspire some of us in the middle and the far middle (just left or right of whacko... depending on where you exit on the I-5.)

Cindy (and group): #1 Stay on Message. Don't divert from the message. Don't bring up your taxes or anything else that diverts from the point. See bungled Utah Governor Protest. The Gov. invited everyone down environmentalists, transgenders, gay rights, pro-choice and anti-war activists. It would have been a more powerful if it had just been anti-war protests (the rest would have come anyways). IT makes the message muddled.

Info for Bush: The right wing has been attacking and calling this woman crazy. You already blew your chance to actually show that genuinely care about of the troops. I know you feel like you did what was required, you just didn't do what was right. Here's what you can learn from Cindy... show that you care about SOMETHING... Show that you have a heart...
DO SOMETHING...

I Will Not Support Your War on Humanity

If you feel the average I.Q. of your general geographic area suddenly nose dive, it's probably because MOVE AMERICA FORWARD's "You Don't Speak for Me Cindy" tour has just driven into your home town.

I've seen some sad and pathetic things in my lifetime, but this has got to be the most ghoulish parade of rubes ever assembled. The saddest of them all has to be the parents of soldiers who are in Iraq right now. They've already bought all of our government's lies about the war so they're not going to stop now. Excuse me if I skip over your kids name when the next big black war memorial wall is built in their "honor."

The vilification of anti-war Americans is absolutely necessary to keep the rubes with blind faith in their rulers on the march -- with silly little signs and dumb jingoistic slogans which will mean nothing when our troops start going down 100 at a time from depleted uranium related illnessess -- though many of their parents will be secure with the thought that they helped MOVE AMERICA FORWARD by sticking their child in the dirt for an Iraqi theocracy.

One group of pro-war rubes actually put up the Ten Commandments. THOU SHALT NOT KILL just didn't seem to strike an ironic cord with these barbaric chimpanzees.

Over two years of complete failure in Iraq, and the rubes still show up on command, ready to spout their "limited government" views by fanatically and sometimes violently supporting the very government they hate so much in peace time. That's just one of the many contradictions that lie at the heart of the new Right's putrid reasoning (i.e. wheeling around the Ten Commandments at a pro war rally).

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, it doesn't matter what MOVE AMERICA FORWARD thinks, says, or does. Nothing will change the course of this disaster, and if you believe there is something that will avert humiliation and defeat then your capacity to understand the world is so shallow and misdirected, that you are beyond hope. Scream, cry, whine, point, attack -- it means nothing.

Millions of people in almost every country in the world protested the invasion against Iraq BEFORE it happened. Is every single one of them anti-American? Is every single one of them a "communist?" (yes, the pro-war crowd is calling anti-war protestors "communists" if you can believe that. Hello, communism was responsible for some of the most bloody affairs of the 20th century. How is possible that your pea sized brains can equate communism with peace? GET SOME NEW MATERIAL)! Is every single person who protested a potential enemy? A terrorist? What are we going to do -- kill them all? Will that satisfy your medevial blood lust? And what of the millions who rise to take their place? Even Bush can't kill that fast.

America has become a land drunk on fear and violence. MOVE AMERICA FORWARD is decorating RVs and touring around the country in celebration of the deaths of our soldiers and the indiscriminate destruction of a foreign culture while personifying what every one else in the world already knows -- we are butchers gleefully and ignorantly skipping into our own slaughter.

How many Fallujahs will it take to pacify the country we have liberated? How much more death and mayhem will we support to "save face?" How many more politically expedient concessions will we make to keep the lid on the powder keg? How many pro-death caravans will we launch to convince ourselves that we are not the parriah of planet Earth?

Seize the airways, block the streets, shoot your guns in the air, drive over veteran memorials... and launch your sadistic MOVE DEATH FORWARD tour you fools -- we will NEVER support your war against humanity.

GW

Thanks George W!

Wow. It's been almost four years since a bunch of Saudi Arabians flew planes into the New York skyline.

Even they would have never guessed that for their efforts the government of the United States would reward them with a brand new shiny Iraqi theocracy allied with Iran. I guess that Western style democracy allied with Israel plan has been shelved due to the "reality on the ground." I like to call it the "incompetence on the ground."

From the wholesale looting of the country in March of 2003 (including weapons depots) to our very recent green light to Islamic Shiara law, the invasion and occupation of Iraq may well be the must bungled military operation in U.S. history. It is an unequivacal failure in every single respect.

I just finished reading THE GREATEST GENERATION, which is relevant as George W has been comparing their sacrifices in World War II to his disasterous mess in Iraq. Almost everybody profiled in the book lamented the loss of "personal responsibility" in our society. George W and his administration has elevated the absence of personal responsibility to a political ideaology. "Deny, whitewash, attack" is the rallying cry of the new Right, but nothing they say or do will change the inevitable outcome of their Iraq folly -- continued civil war leading to theocracy. That must be the "noble cause" we've heard so much about. Our soldiers are dying for the creation of a state that will be more hostile to the U.S. than Saddam, OUR man in Baghdad, could ever hope to achieve.

The pro-war crowd can regurgitate GOP talking points all they want, no amount of spin can change what is now in the draft constitution -- Islamic law -- which the U.S. supported in order to get the constitution completed and passed. The second deadline has now come and gone with no agreement.

Thanks George W.

No Whimpers just one big bang

Hunter Thompson blew himself up again.

I want a Golden Ticket!

Johnny Depp and Hunter Thompson are giving away tickets to the most spectaular send off in history. Except for Gene Rodenberry's funeral,

Brian Harvey of Boise, Idaho, found a secret ticket hidden inside the label on a bottle of the Flying Dog Brewery's Gonzo Imperial Porter.

The ticket grants Mr Harvey and a friend entry to the party, as well as transport and accommodation, according to the company's website.

Gonzo Imperial Porter, with a label designed by another close friend of Thompson's, British artist Ralph Steadman, has a hefty price tag and a worthy cause. Bottles of the beer sell for $95 (£53). Only 1,500 numbered bottles have been made, and proceeds from the sale go to raise money for the Gonzo Memorial Fund. The fund, says the company's website, was "set up initially to raise funds for a permanent memorial to Hunter so future generations can ponder the life of one of the world's great mavericks".

Manhattan Open Pick

It's hard to root against EY and Rachel... but I gotta feeling this week, EY/Wacholder are on fire right now.... but a lot can happen in the week. Also I heard she is going drinking with Giles Weaver and that's always trouble.

My pic to win the Manhattan Open--- Jennifer Kessey and Holly McPeak..

Why I think EY and Rachel are going to be a little off after last weeks killer match up.

Kessey is due to spring on the scene

Misty's food poisoning last week.. was just that weak. I think they Misty may be a little over.

Monsieur!

MONSIEUR!

My head rests jasmine,
against the glass window.
Across from me,
an awkward man
sits down like grass. A notebook
on his lap, he shifts and skid marks.

I look out the window but I want to look at his crotch.

This soft shell fidgets.
I look outside, lights flash
inside the tunnel. I look
the other way, past his finger tips. I feel hot
in that stomach. I look back
at him like a compass
pulled to center.
It doesn't feel natural.

I look and see
his awkward fingers. It's there,
everything is there. His purple meat and an old lady asking for change.
In his fat hands. They
won't stop for this one. A wet napkin
with sad purple balls. I saw it.
I stand up in the moving carriage
and point my finger, like an evangelical,
at his weak spot:

MONSIEUR! PUT YOUR PENIS AWAY!

Other people stare
but don't move. This wet napkin, though,
he jumps, shoving it all
back into his fly, he blood rushes
out the door as soon as it opens.
Before I can spit or point again.

That fat, soft shell wet napkin
with purple balls is on his way,
and I am pissed.

By Angela Phipps Towle
1974- August 2005

Angela, Thank you for all of your encouragement. I'll miss you.

-Dave

You Can't Go Home Again

"People have to drink somewhere. Why not here?"

That was Joan Crawford's famous line in the 1945 film "Mildred Pierce." "Here" is the Derby in Los Feliz, California, specifically its signature oval bar which dominates the center of the club to this day. More recently, the Derby, and once again the oval bar, is where Jon Favreau meets Heather Graham (aka Rollergirl) at the end of SWINGERS. In the 1990's, the Derby was ground zero for the swing music revival. BIG BAD VOODOO DADDY was the house band on Wednesday nights and other regular acts were ROYAL CROWN REVUE and BRIAN SETZER. Lines full of hip dancing fools ran around the corner and down Los Feliz Boulevard (there's nothing quite like seeing a 90s woman in a 40s dress!).



I'd love to describe my first experience at the Derby, but my lawyer has advised against it as I could open myself up to prosecution. Let's just say a good time was had by all, not to mention all of the subsequent evenings spent in this old Hollywood gem. Now, however, our good friends in the real estate development business have decided that the best thing for the Derby, and its loyal following, is to tear it down and build a high rise aparment building and "retail center."

The ugliness can be viewed here: http://www.adler-realty.com/ARI/Investments/Los%20Feliz.htm

While other areas of the city (espeically Hollywood) work to refurbish their historic sites, Alder Realty Investments, Inc. (aka Satan) has decided that the last of the Hollywood Derby clubs, which began with the Brown Derby on Wilshire Boulevard in 1926, must come down. The original Brown Derby (the one in the shape of a brown derby) is now a Korean strip mall. The Ambassador Hotel, across from the original Brown Derby and the place where Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated, is also being torn down and replaced with a high school. The Derby in Los Feliz opened in 1941 and moved to its present spot in the 1960s. It is one of the last architechtural monuments to Hollywood's "golden era" and certainly the last vestiage of the famous Derby clubs.



Like CBGBs in New York City, I hope Los Angelenos rally to keep this historic and kick ass club open. People have to drink somewhere!!!!!

Want to help keep the drinks flowing? E-MAIL L.A. CITY COUNCILMAN TOM LaBONGE (who represents the Los Feliz area) at: Labonge@council.lacity.org

Crackpot Press Sports and Entertainment

and Now Sports.

In Washington, they have brought back Civil War Style baseball! Who will win this epic showdown between the Blue and the Gray?? I'm guessing the team that doesn't keep their best players in chains.

This month in Playboy, the Girls of the AVP pro beach volleyball league get naked for the cameras. As a huge fan of the sport, I was disappointed that Rachel Wacholder, Kerri Walsh, Misty May, Tyra Turner, Carrie Busch, Jen Pavley, Nancy Mason, Jennifer Kessey, Angie Akers, Makara Wilson, Jennifer Meredith and the Linquisdt sisters were not amongst the models.

I guess Playboy decided that sometimes it’s just better to search out the players that suck. The combined tournament wins of the models included equals "I should not give up my Job at Sharkees"

Big news in the world of music...

After 20 years of being nowhere to be found Bobby McFerrin takes some time off. I think it's pretty pathetic to get some ink by announcing your retirement... For the kids out there he had a homoey one hit wonder back in the 80's.

Also Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas is going on a solo tour. I think it is important that a whole new generation of young men will earn their degree in "Pussification" How do you earn that? It's easy... spend $200 on concert tickets to go hear a bunch of "sissy boy rock" only to not get any later. Rob Thomas regularly wears a t-shirt that says "Feminist." As the sage proclaimed, "Men who claim to be feminists are just doin' it for the nookie."

Also this jagoff, Jason Mraz, Says "Smoking Makes Him Happy." I have never heard of this guy but we at Crackpot Press strive for keyword rich content... like "Jagoff." As an 18 year smoker I was thrilled when I accidently projectiled a lugi on to my monitor this morning. Yup, I am a happy guy. More sissy boy bad boy PR crap... Here's a tip if you want to be a "Bad Boy" GO BIG! learn from the master.

Gwen Stefani teaches the most important lesson of the Music Industry to underpriveledge North Korean School girls.

Preparing The Faithful for Failure

"The Bush administration is significantly lowering expectations of what can be achieved in Iraq, recognizing that the United States will have to settle for far less progress than originally envisioned during the transition due to end in four months, according to U.S. officials in Washington and Baghdad.

The United States no longer expects to see a model new democracy, a self-supporting oil industry or a society in which the majority of people are free from serious security or economic challenges, U.S. officials say."

Well slap my ass and call me Saddam. I could have told you that in March of 2003, or in August of 2002 if you really want to go all the way back. The supporters of this war are all scractching their heads as if its some brand new revelation that this whole operation is a treasury and soul sucking lie. Thanks for the newsflash "U.S. officials," you're two years and 100,000 + deaths too late.

"The U.S. decision to invade Iraq was justified in part by the goal of establishing a secular and modern Iraq that honors human rights and unites disparate ethnic and religious communities."

The above is a complete lie. The invasion was never justified for these reasons until after the WMD never appeared. Anybody recall Colin Powell saying anything about uniting desparate ethnic and religious communities at the U.N.? I sure can't. I do remember him holding up George Tenet's urine sample and exclaiming that flying monkey in turbans were going to drop it over Roy Moore's Ten Commandments display. We can't unite disparate ethnic and religious communities here, but we're going to achieve it in a country that most Americans still can't locate on a map. "Democracy" was Cover Story B, it was never a goal.

U.S. officials now acknowledge that they misread the strength of the sentiment among Kurds and Shiites to create a special status. The Shiites' request this month for autonomy to be guaranteed in the constitution stunned the Bush administration, even after more than two years of intense intervention in Iraq's political process, they said.

Unless, of course, you look to that pesky post invasion report those traitors at the State Department whippped up to help "win the peace." You know the one. The one that very clearly stated what the political challenges would be after removing Saddam -- i.e. avoiding a civil war between the Kurds, the Sunni, and the Shiites. Bush officials are STUNNED? They are not stunned. They are STUPID. I sure can't think of any reason why your average Iraqi isn't supporting our liberation of their country "even after two years of intense intervention in Iraq's political process." It's so nice when you have a new governement which is absolutely 100% autonmous from the occupying army that has seized your inoperable oil fields and rewritten all of your economic policies so that you will get nothing.

The goal now is to ensure a constitution that can be easily amended later so Iraq can grow into a democracy, U.S. officials say.

Please alert our troops that a "constitution that can be easily amended" is now their mission. It has nothing to do with an existential threat to our country. You're risking your ass so that the Iraqi's can have political flexibility to "grow into a democracy." Please pay no attention to the theocracy. Nothing to see here, folks, please move along.

The surprising scope of the insurgency and influx of foreign fighters has forced Washington to repeatedly lower expectations -- about the time-frame for quelling the insurgency and creating an effective and cohesive Iraqi force capable of stepping in, U.S. officials said.

Surprising to who? Kristoff? Bolton? Cheney? Wolfowitz? Rumsfeld? There's definitely one thing I have in common with "Washington" -- repeatedly lowering my expectations.

Last week was the fourth-worst week of the whole war for U.S. military deaths in combat, and August already is the worst month for deaths of members of the National Guard and Reserve.

The light at the end of the tunnel. Have you registred for the "Freedom Walk" yet? Not to be confused with "Freedom on the march" or "Freedom Fries." That's a whole other cake walk.

"There has been a realistic reassessment of what it is possible to achieve in the short term and fashion a partial exit strategy," Yaphe said. "This change is dictated not just by events on the ground but by unrealistic expectations at the start.

I'm so pleased that we have 1,800 + dead Americans rotting in the ground because of "unrealistic expectations at the start." That will sound smashing on the tombstones of Arlington. "He died for unrealistic expectations at the start." Another astounding Bush/Neocon/Spineless Democrats success story!

Washington now does not expect to fully defeat the insurgency before departing, but instead to diminish it, officials and analysts said.

Not "fully defeating" somebody loosely translates to "lost," but the MSM isn't quite ready to use that word. "Washington now expects to lose the war to the insurgency" is much more disconcerting than "does not expect to fully defeat." I've got three words for you -- mass cultural denial.

Pentagon officials originally envisioned Iraq's oil revenue paying many post-invasion expenses. But Iraq, ranked among world leaders behind Saudi Arabia in proven oil reserves, is incapable of producing enough refined fuel amid a car-buying boom that has put an estimated 1 million more vehicles on the road after the invasion. Lines for subsidized cheap gas stretch for miles every day in Baghdad.

I'm so happy Paul Wolfowitz got a promotion. He was so dead on about Iraq paying for its own reconstruction with its oil revenue. Prophetic insight like that is what makes this administration so admirable.

Water is also a "tough, tough" situation in a desert country, said a U.S. official in Baghdad familiar with reconstruction issues. Pumping stations depend on electricity, and engineers now say the system has hundreds of thousands of leaks.

I am not familiar with reconstruction issues, but I think that anybody above the age of 5 may have made the connection that water isn't overly abundant in a desert. Of course, when you bomb the hell out of somebody with cluster bombs and depleted uranium you are bound to cause "thousands of leaks." Good thing the grown ups are in charge. "Re" construction means that something "constructed" was there before. Only the delusionary American mind can convince itself that putting up a building would be just as easy as bringing one down. There are three buildings in New York City that still haven't been "reconstructed" three years later. Now multiply by 1000 and you've got Bagdhad.

"Ironically, White said, the initial ambitions may have complicated the U.S. mission: "In order to get out earlier, expectations are going to have to be lower, even much lower. The higher your expectation, the longer you have to stay. Getting out is going to be a more important consideration than the original goals were. They were unrealistic."

Oh the irony. Let's just all sit around and have a big laugh about the irony. It's so damn funny it's killing me.

Iraqi Parliament OKs Constitution Delay

Did they have a choice?

Justice Sunday II

Here is my favorite quote from the knuckle dragging "My Messiah Is Bigger Than Your Messiah" hoe down in Nashville yesterday:

At the rally Sunday, Mike Miller, 54, of Gallatin echoed many of the speakers comments on judicial power, saying he believes Supreme Court justices try to create laws with their rulings instead of interpreting the Constitution.
"Activist justices — we're trying to find out what we can do to stop that activity," he said. "Our laws are based on the Ten Commandments."

Okay, Mike Miller, 54, of Gallatin, pop quiz time:

If "your" laws are based on the Ten Commandments, why are you upset that, in your words, "Supreme Court justices try to create laws with their rulings instead of interpreting the Constitution?" You already do not believe in the Constitution so why would you care how other people interpret a document for which you hold no esteem? "Your" laws are based on the Ten Commandments which, last time I checked, are NOT in the Constitution. You may want them to be, hell, you may even think they are, but they clearly are not. I'm also wondering what "your" laws are? What are "your" laws as opposed to "our" laws, and if they are based on the Ten Commandments, which have 0% legal binding anywhere in the United States, where, exactly, are they in effect? Here's another one for you -- since you are a Christian who derives "your" laws from the Ten Commandments, I'm going to go ahead and assume you support the slaughter in Iraq because as the commandment states: "Thou Shalt Kill Non-Christians," or something to that effect. In Iraq we are worried about "their" laws being derived from the Islamic faith. The conventional wisdom is that nothing could be worse than another Islamic theocracy in the Middle East. So, why is it okay to have a Christian theocracy here in the United States? Because that is exactly what you are espousing -- a Christian theocracy which derives its laws from the Ten Commandments. I guess Christian law is supposed to be better than Islamic law, but frankly I don't see much of a difference. They're like identical twins wearing different colored shirts.

Here is my last thought -- keep your Christian commandments out of "our" secular government. If you don't like it, there's a theocracy opening soon in Iraq -- you may want to check out.

Iraq Officials Delay Constitution Session

Freedom on the march!

Rachel Wacholder and Elaine Youngs KICK ASS!

Rachel Wacholder and Elaine Youngs kicked ass today over the reiging champions Misty May and Kerri Walsh.

In a truly inspirational 21-14, 21-15 domination, RW and EY truly played their best game ever. There have been rumors the Misty got some food poisoning in Austria last week.. I don't think that even matters. Rachel continues to improve each match and is a now a force to be reckoned with. Add in EY's veteran status, strong leadership and tiny body that runs on lightning and you have a perfect ying yang match.

Oh check out this blog for Pictures of the Hermosa open.

some assholes have all the luck.

Mike Tyson is considering stepping into the magic world of porno flicks.

As long as he gets paid upfront and can grasp that some words have different meanings on a movie set..

Such as:
"Cut"
"Money Shot"
"Box"
"Would you like a tossed salad"
and "Bukakke"

Well Mike, that means the same as it did in prison.

GOP Condemns Arnold Schwarzenegger!

There's a headline you'll never see. Another case of Republican "family values" venom that mysteriously never includes one of their own? I'll let you be the judge.

"In a story that neatly links allegations of the governor's womanizing with questions about his integrity, the Los Angeles Times is reporting that, just a few days after he announced that he was running for office, a tabloid publisher that eventually entered into a multimillion-dollar deal with Schwarzenegger effectively bought the silence of a woman who allegedly had an affair with him."

So there we have it. Illicit affair while married, serious financial conflict of interest involving his political office, and bribery. Not bad for the "People's Governor."

I've always thought this guy was a clown and stooge of private and corporate interests (which makes him very similar to all the other politicans we have in California), but I could care less about his extra marital affair. That's Maria's problem as far as I'm concerned. However, the GOP foams at the mouth when you even mention the word "sex," but their puritanical views always take a back seat to their lust for power. This hypocritical stance makes them sound like cartoon characters when they get all self-righteous about people's private lives.

I'll post a retraction when I see that headline in the MSM. Don't hold your breath.

Cindy Sheehan Transcripts-The Apocalypse Mix

The following is a transcript from the Cindy Sheehan interview with Crackpot Press.

CPP: Hi Beautiful, How ya doin?

Sheehan: Crawford... shit; I'm still only in Crawford.... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in Vacaville. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my husband, until I said "yes" to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into Vacaville . I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission.... getting softer; every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute George squats in the brush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.

CPP: How did you plan for your vigil?

Sheehan: I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the Texas like a main circuit cable - plugged straight into Bush. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Presiden George W. Bush's memory - any more than being back in Crawford was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine.

CPP: What are your feelings about the war?

Sheehan: The war is being run by a bunch of four star clowns who are gonna end up giving the whole circus away.

CPP: Do you have a strategy? How long will you stay?

Sheehan: Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way. Kurtz, I mean Bush, got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

CPP: I heard you got a "statement" from thje White House

Sheehan: Yes.. some guy, some hunky young man in a suit came out and said "I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving."

CPP: Thats doesnt mean anything.. that's pretentious crap...

Sheehan: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!! Then they said and I quote "Hey, man, you don't talk to the President. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say do you know that if is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you - I mean I'm no, I can't - I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas..."


CPP: Thank you for your time... good luck!

Inspired by "Another Goddamn Blog"

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

Are you RRRRRRRReady to RRRRRRumble?

from the Folks who brought you God comes Justice Sunday II...

Honestly I can't think of better thing to do except drink whiskey and PTL on Sunday afternoon in Nashville in August..

Believe it or not.. Bill Frist was actually "Uninvited" because of his flip flop on Stem Cell Research.

Guests include

The Musical Stylings of

Jet Williams

James "Sponge Bob is a Homo" Dobson
Tom "Collection Plate" Delay
Zell "Rebel Yell" Miller

and the best teeth on TV.. Tony Robbins. Who strangely enough I have nothing nasty to say about.

Rumored surprise visit by "Invisible Jesus"

There is also rumored a SURPRISE RECONCILIATION
of Ashcroft/Bacon. These two have not spoken in 40 years (after a fight over "Who loved Jesus more") Well the lawsuit has been Settled... ROCK ON MEN!

Coincidentally, Ashcroft has the worst teeth of anyone performing.

Michelle Malkin Is An Idiot

The blogsphere, and slowly the pathetic MSM, is aflame with the travails of Cindy Sheehan. Predictably, anti-war organizations are lining up to support her Crawford vigil, and even more predictably the insiduous chickenhawk talking heads on the right are brandishing their knives (until Michelle Malkin is carrying an M-16 through Falluja she can shut the ^&$# up!).

There isn't really anything I can add to this debate, as everyone has the right to express their opinion on the matter. Our village idiot President even said that today. Got that Michelle? Even your WASP wet dream thinks Cindy can express her opinion because, you know, we're supposed to be able to do that here in America, just like you were able to express your sadistic and offensive belief that the Japanese deserved to be rounded up and stuck in camps after Pearl Harbor(which, by the way, you're NOT supposed to be able to do here).

What I would like to add is this -- while Cindy and Georgie sit in Crawford Iraq is sliding into civil war:

http://www.juancole.com/

When it does, and it will, the game will be over. It won't really matter what sleazy vacuous slimebags like O'Reilley, Limbaugh, and Malkin have to say. They can turn their guns on people like Paul Hackett and Cindy Sheehan, but nobody will be listening anymore. There will be no way to validate their cruel failures. Even Americans, who are most likely the most ignorant people on Earth, have a threshold, and that threshold is being crossed right now -- August 2005. The time of reckoning is here, and nothing Malkin says will stop it.

Radical Judical System

A Judge has decided that Mike Ovitz deserved the $140 million dollar severence package for doing nothing for a year.

The Judge further added "I just got some NEW pictures taken! Call me, MIKE!"
He then handed him a flyer for a performance of "Danny and the Deep Blue Sea" now showing in North Hollywood. (Warning: Full Frontal Nudity)

Why?

I have two prevailing theories about why Congress, and by extenstion the media, consistently pass terrible bills then fall all over themselves with congratulations:

1. Americans are so stupid and gullible that they don't realize they're walking the short flight of stairs to the gallows.

2. The machinations of our capitalist society are so demanding that nobody has the time to actually follow what's being done in our names.

The latest boondoggle is the engergy bill. America use to be visionary about the direction in which our society is heading. If that were the case today, this bill would have never seen the light of day. It does nothing for "the public" but gives plenty to the oil companies which are already drowing in record profits. As a piece of public policy it's already a decomposing corpse, but from the media coverage you would think a watershed moment in American energy policy had just occured. It's worth nothing. If you think gas prices are going to come down please see #1 and #2 above.

Other bills that fall into this category courteousy of the 108th & 109th Congress:

1. Medicare Bill
2. Bankruptcy bill
2. CAFTA

All of these are horribly bad bills for "the public," (in the case of CAFTA the American public AND the Central American public) but, as always, they are gifts wrapped in golden bows to the corporate lobbyists who bankroll political campaigns and actually write our legislation. Joe Biden and his predatory lending vampires out of Deleware come to mind (Bankruptcy Bill).

Hem and haw about "Right" vs "Left" all you want. We're all getting screwed by both sides of the aisle. The U.S. government is a bad joke and a living nightmare.

GW

Marilyn Monroe Licks Mommie Dearest?

Marilyn Monrone passed away 43 years ago... but everyone knows that....

What you don't know is....

The LA Times ran a front page article recently, revealing new transcripts of conversations between Marilyn and her shrink.

The LA Times claims that Joan Crawford and Ms. Monroe had a good old fashioned lick fest, but the LA TIMES online omits her quote about it. C'mon... isn't the promise of lesbian love between America's Boner



and America's Shrivler,






the kind of stuff that bloggers go all ga-ga about? And yet NOTHING in the NON-MSM!!!


So. here's what it says in the hard copy version:

"On her one-night affair with Joan Crawford, she said

'Next time I saw Crawford, she wanted another round. I told her straight out I didn't much enjoy doing it with a woman. After I turned her down, she became spiteful'

Ya know I've been in Hollywood for a while now.... I'm glad that I am not the only one Marilyn considered a lousy lay.

And like Joan Crawford, I too became spiteful. It was like being on the Oprah show where she gave away all the new cars....only to find out my car didn't like the way I went from 0 to 60 in four seconds.

Here's a picture of us together in Paris.

NAZI YAHTZEE!!!

It's been a while since we have had one of these. We love keeping track of who is calling who a Nazi. Why? Because calling someone a Nazi is the worst form of debate. When you call someone a Nazi it's like your six shooter is spurting it's tenth blank.
If you play the NAZI card.. you have NO Argument.

This time around it is World Famous, Preacher, Unofficial Lobbyist and regular Hannity and Colmes Towel Boy, James Dobson, from Focus on the Family. Play the songs Glenn Miller played...

And he compares STEM CELL RESEARCH to putting Human Beings in Ovens... I swear to God I hope Nancy Reagan comes over and kicks your hating ass and fella, she can do it. The Right has the WORST record ever of curing any kind of disease from Polio to AIDS... DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE!!!!! Even JESSE HELMS regrets ignoring AIDS.


Sincerely,

GOD

CNN Suspends Novak After He Walks Off Set

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now all they need to do is suspend the rest of the jokers on their network and we may actually be getting somewere...

How the Law Works

Kenneth Lay rips of millions of Californians (Full Disclosure: I am one of the people who got ripped off. Kenneth Lay is Dick Head.)
Ken Lay has yet to be tried 5 years later.


Karl Rove, Scooter Libby and John Bolton out CIA operarative for political gain in a time of war. There is no real investigation going that I have heard about.

But test positive for STEROIDS and Baba-Boom.. The US Government needs to get to the bottom of this IMMEDIATELY.

Took them less than 48 hours!

My favorite part is when Rep. Tom Davis, R-Va says "As a practical matter, perjury referrals are uncommon," Davis told The Associated Press. "Prosecutions are rare. But this is a high-profile case, so I think it will get an honest look-see. I don't think anyone can avoid it.

"If we did nothing," he added, "I think we'd look like idiots. Don't you?"

Yes you still look like and idiot.

On the Lighter Side

George Bush's new credit card accidentaly goes to the wrong person.

This really just brings the teenage boy out of me.

Ohio Marines Dead, GOP Congresswoman Elected

Headline juxtaposition II:


Ohio Battalion Loses 20 Marines in 2 Days

BROOK PARK, Ohio - The rash of violence in Iraq this week has taken an especially brutal toll on a Marine battalion based in this working-class town: Twenty members from the unit were killed over two days.

GOP Wins U.S. House Election in Ohio

CINCINNATI - A Republican former state lawmaker has claimed a seat in Congress by narrowly defeating an Iraq war veteran who drew national attention to the race with his military service and a series of harsh attacks on President Bush.

Ohio -- you reap what you sow. You can't cry about your war dead one moment, and vote for a GOP congressmen who smeared the service of one of your soldiers the next (not to mention that creative coin scheme your impressive GOP has created). This war, and the lives its claiming on both sides, is a tragic mistake, but Ohio has proven over and over again at the ballot box that it supports the foreign policy of this administration, and thus the war in Iraq. If you don't like your boys coming home in wooden boxes, you may want to think about that the next time an election comes up. Otherwise, start taking design submissions for the monument to honor your dead.

GW

Let Them Eat Intelligent Design

The debate about teaching intelligent design in our schools amuses me. Science with a capital "S" should stop being such a coward. I say let them teach intellligent design in school. Let each student of this fair nation be presented both cases...

1. Intelligent Design (can somebody explain to me how death is intelligent?)
2. Science

... and let them determine for themselves what is right and what is wrong. I have full faith that the Intelligent Design crowd will lose more students than they gain. Here's why: Intelligent Design is a bunch of snake oil and Science is not. Science isn't perfect but when's the last time the "supreme being" crowd put a rover on Mars?

Think of two photographs -- one of Rachel Wacholder (Science)



and one of Margaret Thatcher (Intelligent Design).




Now choose. If you pick Rachel Wacholder, congratulations, you are a) heterosexual, b) scientific. If you pick Margaret Thatcher, my condolences, you are a) right wing, b) Intelligent Design. More people are going to pick Rachel because she looks hot in a bikini, and once people see Science and Intelligent Design side by side they're going to choose the academic discipline that looks hot in a bikini -- and that hardbody is Science.



Teaching Intelligent Design in our schools also helps us weed out those in society who are too moronic to serve any useful function. Students who choose Intelligent Design over Science are telling us not to expect too much from them in the future.

For example, look at our President, who said just yesterday, "...You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, and the answer is yes..." Unless, I suppose, that idea is evolution (or that Iraq is a mess, or that government is to serve the people, etc). That's what amuses me the most about this debate. The Christian right that supports Intelligent Design has had 2005 years to shove their religion down our throats (and swords if that didn't work), yet Darwin's theory of evolution has only been around 150 years. If anything, the concepts that form the core of Intelligent Design have enjoyed two thousand years of saturation advertising and billions and billions of people have rejected it. Teaching Intelligent Design in our schools is going to expand the number of people exposed to this bogus nonsense and, subsequently, the more people will reject it. So I say, in the words of our Intelligent Design President, "Bring 'em on."

GW

Marines Dead, Bush Goes on Vacation

Time to poke the Hive of Rubes with a stick again. This week's headline juxtaposition:

14 Marines Killed Near Syrian Border

BAGHDAD, Iraq - A Marine amphibious assault vehicle patrolling during combat operations in the Euphrates River valley hit a roadside bomb Wednesday, killing 14 Marines from the same Ohio battalion that lost six men two days ago. It was the single deadliest roadside bombing of U.S. troops in Iraq

Vacationing Bush Poised to Set a Record

WACO, Tex., Aug. 2 -- President Bush is getting the kind of break most Americans can only dream of -- nearly five weeks away from the office, loaded with vacation time.

The president departed Tuesday for his longest stretch yet away from the White House, arriving at his Crawford ranch in the evening for a stretch of clearing brush, visiting with family and friends, and tending to some outside-the-Beltway politics. By historical standards, it is the longest presidential retreat in at least 36 years.

Looks like the only people who get longer vacations than our "President" are the men and women dying in Iraq. I, for one, believe he deserves this unprecedented vacation time as it must get very tiring signing corporate welfare bills, gutting civil liberties, oppressing minorities, approving the latest torture techniques, covering for Turd Blossom, and sending other people's children to their graves. Sure he gets 12 hours of sleep a night, but when you are God's emissary on Earth you need a lot of relaxation if you are going to defeat the evil doers (i.e. everyone whose last name is not "Bush" including you). Of course, if I had his approval ratings I'd want to hide on my fake ranch too. "Cameras ready?" "Ready to clear brush, Mr. President?" "OKAY -- ACTION!"

GW

Open Letter to Karl Rove

Dear Karl Rove:

I think it’s terrible that you outed a CIA operative. It’s really bad that you are a traitor to our country. You are a disgrace.

However, on the upside, there is a NEW Crackpot Press up! We update every now and again now (every coupla weeks). Check the archives for the stuff you missed.

I know you have been busy undermining American Security and haven’t checked us out in a while, but we have tons of new crap that you might bring a chuckle to your sweaty, cherubic jowls.

Has anyone ever told you, you are sexy in the Ned Beatty kind of way?

If not, here’s what we got cookin’ on the Bayou BBQ!

Greg introduces us to America’s Greatest New Excersize-O-Craze!!!

Giles crosses the nation to Boston to check out the Pops on the 4th of July in “The Red White and Blue State Shuffle”

Karen enjoys the Summer Vacation by seducing a Young Boy!

Daze goes to Cooperstown for the Hall of Fame Inductions!

Cool shit ya don’t gotta pay for!

AND we gotta whole new look… BLING GA BLING! Some new links too. Check out Deep End Dining!

Oh and we retire Stanley Kubrick’s number… and Karl, we got some new shirts and stuff that will make you the alpha male of the cell block.

Love ya, mean it! Gawd, yer mouth is purdy.

Crackpot