Sunday, October 30, 2005

Gettin some Botox

Hey we are doing a few changes... so if you seem some stuff on the site that seems a little.."odd" simply forget about it. Didn't happen. We're figuring it out...

We have never been about the "PRETTY"

CP and GW

Friday, October 28, 2005

Why Chicks Who Dig Sports Rock.

Why Chicks Who Dig Sports Rock!

I got into a conversation with a platonic female friend the other night. She had been doing some internet dating and it seems the guys she would browse all wanted a girl who was into sports; a Requirement. She wanted to know why. So now I am telling.

1. Low Maintenance… For beginners You understand “No Bullshit Shopping Trips” in the Post Season.

2. You understand that ALL sports bars have hot waitresses. I will occasionally gawk and I know, that while you won’t admit it, you are staring Tom Brady’s ass. We understand each other. You know I am going home with you.

3. You know the appropriate time to make funky noises.

4. You understand that competition should be on the field. Not in the bedroom… unless it’s a 3-way. In that case, knock yourself out.

5. You plan Thanksgiving dinner at an appropriate time. I’ll have the bird ready.

6. You look hot in a Jersey, especially mine. I don’t care how cute you thought those shoes were…a jersey will bring a boy down.

7. It is sexy when you bring me a beer during the game. Almost equally sexy: If I go to the fridge for a beer and you say “Honey, while you’re up?”

8. Choosing a team is a commitment; Even if it’s the evil, evil Yankees or Cowboys. If I can keep the peace with you, you who roots against me, you are a keeper.

9. You can order appropriately from a Sports Bar Menu without making a scene (i.e. Bitching about “no tofurkey”). You love the shrimp at Hooters.

10.You make me watch Tennis; I make you watch the AVP. Everybody wins.

11. You know the importance of the “Thrill of Victory, Agony of Defeat” Blowjob. It's the only way to cure a broken heart. It's the best way to celebrate a victory.

12. I don’t come home drunk after a night of watching sports with the boys. WE come home drunk after a night of watching sports with the boys.

13. Cooperstown is an appropriate vacation destination.

14. When my team loses, you call me “ A bitch.” (except in the post season) When your team loses… I find a different adjective, like “Sugar” or “Sweet Pea” and see the opposite of Rule 11.

15. You can hang in the nosebleeds.

16. You told me that Janet’s boob fell out. I missed it. Yeah, you were watching Justin’s ass.

In short, you rock!

Merry Fitzmas... Bitch...




Scooter Libby got nabbed, Rove may plea bargin...

Oh screw it just go to Raw Story.

SAT Quiz

This




















is to this













as this



















is to WHAT?



Send your answer to Crackpot@crackpotpress.com


Answer Phrased in a picture will only be correct.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

ARNOLDS NEIGHBORHOOD

Sunny Days... everything A-OK!

Such a guy.

Great Piece Giles...(see below)

I went to the grocery store last night and ended up in the check yourself out lane.

I had only beer and bacon.

Life is good.

The Circle of Life

I was going to post tonight about the Chicago White Sox winning the World Series, and about how the entire city of Houston can kiss my Enron hating ass, and how nauseating it was to hear the Astros manager slam his own players after Game #3 when he is in charge and how that reminds me of the entire Bush Administration, and how all his idiotic decisions during the series was the real reason they got swept in a beautiful and embarrassing fashion, and how I was so happy that the blue state team kicked the ass of the red state team, and how they all deserved it since, I'm guessing, at least 75% of Astro fans voted for their hometown village idiot in 2000/2004, and their pathetic performance was cosmic karma, and how they can all eat smog for all care, and how every single person in the entire Astrodome was fat white men with no hair or ugly women with too much hair, and how Texas should go ahead and secede for the benefit of the REAL states who have to subsidize their miserable failures, and how I was hoping every second that someone would lose their grip on a baseball bat and it would go flying into Barbara Bush's ever present face and smash it into a million pieces for bringing death loving monsters into the world, and how the moron Astros fans will probably blame the fact that they left five hundred men on base on the open dome, and how Texans actually believe that the Bushs are from Texas, and how Ken Lay is still at large, and how I'm still wondering why they have that stupid grass ramp in the outfield, and how it was a complete disgrace that World Series had to besmirch it's entire history by having to play in Texas, and how absolutely pathetic Oswalt really is, and how I want to kill every company that advertised ad nauseaum with the same dumb commercials every single night, and how I hope that a big black hole suddenly appears and sucks the entire lame city of Houston into hell -- but I'm just not that kind of person,

Instead, I want to say this. Every second the clock is ticking, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's always moving forward. You can either hitch your life to the second hand and see where it takes you, or you can try and turn it back and live your whole life at midnight when it's really 12 noon, and if you do that you may just get stuck in an eighty-eight year old rut, or you can say it just doesn't matter and, just like the Boston Red Sox, forget coventional wisdom and say "this year is our year" and absolutely crush your opponents by going 11-1 in the post season history be damned.

On Fitzmas Eve, we need to adopt the same attitude that swept the White Sox into their ultimate victory -- history be damned. This is OUR year. And our five year rut can be erased by the courage and fortitude of those who have, and are ready, to pursue the truth. America is a great and miraculous gift to those of us who are lucky to be born here. For all of our internal problems, we still live off the fat of the land, the fat of history, the fat of all of human civilization. It's time to share the wealth. It's time to redirect our power for, first, the common good of ALL of our citizens, and all of the world. Does that sound idealistic? I'm too old to be an idealist, but I'm not too old to know what can be achieved. Just like the White Sox. In closing, Carthage must be destroyed.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Fitzmas Eve!

My wife and I bought presents for each other today for Fitzmas. I'm not sure what I'm getting, but barring a home full of naked women with liberal blue state values that will ultimately destroy the country, it can't be as good as what Fitzgerald is going to give me! Hope.

Merrry Fitzmas!

With only a few shopping hours left till FITZMAS!

I pick up this little goodie at Crooks and Liars.

Ho, Rove, Ho

UPDATE: FOX NEWS IS SAYING AT LEAST ONE MORE SHOPPING DAY TILL FITZMAS.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Always answer a question about a lie with a lie.

Today in the White House Press Briefing: Scotty "where is Jeff when I need him" McClellan really walked into a trap. The Press Corp should be getting ready to tear him apart at any given moment.

The whole bit is below, but here is the “MEAT”

Q Does Vice President always tell the truth to the American people?
MR. McCLELLAN: Yes.

Q The President then stands by the Vice President's account in September of --

MR. McCLELLAN: I think it's a -- frankly, I think it's a ridiculous question, Terry, because --

Q Well, no, we now have reports that there are documents that directly contradict the public statement of the Vice President of the United States.

MR. McCLELLAN: (with disdain**) Reports. The Vice President, like the President, is a straightforward, plainspoken person.

Now most of us know that this simply not true. This plainspoken man lies ALL the time.

To say ANY politician tells 100% of the Truth 100% of the time is a falsehood in itself.

So I thought I would go around to a few of my favorite news sources and collect up some “Greatest (s)Hits” in regards to Cheney. Now these are just the big ones.

The bigger question here is why would ANYONE in the White House Press Corp believe anything Scott McClellan has to say…

Maybe they should just stop showing up.


On Halliburton
“Since I left Halliburton to become George Bush's vice president, I've severed all my ties with the company, gotten rid of all my financial interest," the Vice President said. "I have no financial interest in Halliburton of any kind and haven't had, now, for over three years.” MEET THE PRESS

Except for this 8 million bucks I forgot about. (Raw Story/Think Progress)

Here is Great one from BuzzFlash in regards to the debates.

Lets not forget this Classic from the Daily Show… linked from mmeisner’s

What’s your favorite?

Here is the whole exchange

But in terms of public trust, if it is true that Scooter Libby learned of Valerie Plame's identity from Vice President Cheney in June of 2003, would that not mean then that the Vice President made a false statement three months later when he said he didn't know who sent Wilson to Niger?
MR. McCLELLAN: I appreciate that. A couple of things. One, the question you bring up is relating to a matter that is under investigation. And secondly, as I pointed out, there is a great deal of speculation that is going on right now, and I would urge you not to engage in that speculation. But certainly, you are pursuing this story as you should. We will wait to see what the special prosecutor does and learn more about the facts at that point.
Q Are you not commenting on whether this report is accurate or not? Will you comment?
MR. McCLELLAN: No, I'm not going to comment because it's relating to an ongoing investigation; the story that you're referencing relates to an ongoing investigation.
Q Given the fact that the Vice President did say publicly in September of 2003 that he never knew about Joe Wilson or who sent him, as John points out, and now there appears to be information to contradict that, how do you explain that contradiction?
MR. McCLELLAN: Again, there's an ongoing investigation. There are many facts that are not known. I would encourage you not to engage in speculation. And on top of that, if there's any additional information that the Vice President's Office wants to provide you, you can direct questions there. But the policy of this White House has been not to comment on this investigation while it's ongoing. And it has been that way for some time.
Q Does that mean that if you had information that could help clear this up and perhaps make it look like something other than what it is, which is a contradiction, would you provide that, or would you hold that just because you don't want to --
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I said -- I mean, if you want to ask any more from the Vice President's Office, you're welcome to do that, but --
Q Have you done that?
MR. McCLELLAN: -- our policy has been that this is an ongoing investigation, we're not going to comment on it. The special prosecutor is the one that has been gathering the facts related to it. But just because I'm not commenting on it doesn't mean you should read anything into that one way or the other.
Q Have you attempted to clarify it with the Vice President's Office?
MR. McCLELLAN: No, this is an ongoing investigation, and what the President directed us to do was to cooperate fully with the special prosecutor. And so, as part of doing that, we've been carrying out the President's direction from the White House. That means -- we're not doing that ourselves, the special prosecutor is doing that.
Q So that's, no, you have not sought clarification?
MR. McCLELLAN: So, no -- no.
Q Does Vice President always tell the truth to the American people?
MR. McCLELLAN: Yes.
Q The President then stands by the Vice President's account in September of --
MR. McCLELLAN: I think it's a -- frankly, I think it's a ridiculous question, Terry, because --
Q Well, no, we now have reports that there are documents that directly contradict the public statement of the Vice President of the United States.
MR. McCLELLAN: Reports. The Vice President, like the President, is a straightforward, plainspoken person.
** I added that part…it’s how he sounded anyways.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Dodgeball

I spent two and half hours playing Dodgeball today.

I am working on a new piece about it, it could be my PAPER LION!

But I will give you some info. When I first arrived I met a woman named Claire. Claire is a very attractive, a delicate flower of a redhead. She is very friendly, one of the warmest receptions I have gotten from a sober woman in Los Angeles.

During one of the many games (at times reaching to 20 vs. 20 in number) it became apparent these folks play a lot together and some friendly hazing of the new guy was in order.

I wasn't paying attention as I was still learning, I haven't played Dodgeball in 20 years.

And I look down and hear the hollow thud that all men dread; the thud of a red dodgeball landing square in your nuts.

I haven't had a square, literal, hard hit in the nuts (figurative one's show up regularly) in
years. Good GOD man it hurt. Short breath, blood rushing, church bells through a hangover blast.

Truly, I wanted to roll over and cry like a sissy.

I kepy my composure. And there was Claire... grinning from ear to ear and pointing at me.

"Hey 'new guy,' you're out."

Out I was.

Once the pain subsided, I etched her pretty, pretty face in my brain.

I have a new nemesis. Her name is Claire.

And when I have completed my training in the Dodgeball arts... she is going down.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Mud Pride!

By now I hope we've all heard about the hottie NAZI pre-teen girls Lamb and Lynx, whose musical stylings are all the rage in the American white nationalist movement. There's nothing like underage blonde twins crooning about Rudolph Hess to get the white blood pumping is there?

When Lamb and Lynx aren't entertaining white nationalists, they like to wind down like most pre-teens: by dancing around a swastika or playing a vido game called ETHNIC CLEANSING. In ETHNIC CLEANSING white people storm through "the ghetto" and blow away African Americans, Hispanic Americans, and I guess anybody else who Lamb and Lynx affectionately call "MUD" -- anyone who is not white.

I remember when I was a pre-teen and it was already pretty difficult to rap up hot white blond twins. If I saw Lamb and Lynx I'd have the added issue that in their spare time they're blowing "me" away with shotguns in a video game. I'm not African American or Hispanic, but I'm sure as hell "MUD." It's weird to think you are the "enemy" in a video game. I think I now understand why the Somalis aren't very thrilled with the (mainstream) video game BLACKHAWK DOWN. I'd say "What's next? Aushwitz: the Game?" But there's probably already one, you've just got to know where to find it.

I know this is not going to be a very popular sentiment but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway -- risking the wrath of sane people everywhere: I like white people. I know! I know! But I do. Hell, I even married one! Believe me when I say it doesn't get any more white than Mrs. Giles Weaver, except perhaps Lamb and Lynx. I even like Crackpot and Nude Fat Man and those are some weird whities! In fact, all my brothers and sisters married white people too. I guess we're just ADDICTED TO WHITE PEOPLE. Perhaps we collectivelly have a major problem that is not solvable through the marvels of modern science or idiot theories like "intelligent design" (the Earth is 6000 years old --- HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But I digress).

Speaking of the age of the Earth, I don't blame Lamb and Lynx for their racist songs. They are truly too young to understand what's going on. I think they just like being on stage and singing. Not to mention that as soon as they turn 18 I'm IN! As mentioned before, I like white people -- especially female ones who can sing. It's a terrible weakness.

I have two more things to mention: The first thing is that I love being MUD. I'm part of one of the oldest and most honored civilizations on Earth. Eat that whitie! The second thing is that every single person currently living, including snackie Lamb and Lynx, can be traced to the very first woman through mitochondrial DNA. This is not some crackpot theory. It's a fact and there's nothing anybody can do about it. And tracing mitochondrial DNA back through all the generations and MILLIONS of years that Man and Woman have ruled this fair planet reveals one irrefutable fact: we all came from MUD! If you're interested in knowing more about that, check out THE SEVEN DAUGHTERS OF EVE by Bryan Sykes. It's spooky and perfect for Halloween!

So arise, MUD version of Lamb and Lynx! Rise snackie MUD GIRLS! Take guitars in hand and crank out some MUD PRIDE! You've got millions of years worth of experiecence to draw upon (and as your lawyer I should mention that short skirts never hurt anything).

I've got to go now. I just got a new video game called "WHERE ALL THE WHITE WOMEN AT?"

Friday, October 21, 2005

Arnold Hires Model to Play "Firefighter in Favor Union Busting Prop 75 #1"

“MODEL” portrays “Firefighter Supporting Prop 75 #1”

In recent years, the image of the “Firefighter” has become synonymous with “heroism” and “sacrifice;” and for good reason. Even prior to 9-11, here in Southern California wild fires come every October and every year the firefighters throw themselves in harm’s way. It’s one of the most selfless jobs out there.

And now Arnold is attempting to exploit this valiant image. The Governor’s has a new Voting Pamphlet on Join Arnold.com in which he gives easy-to-follow instructions on how to vote “Correctly.” Also some nifty suggestions like sending this pamphlet off to everyone on your Christmas Card list.

When one gets to Page Four of this document there is some detail about Prop 75. This Proposition allows union members to be asked permission before their union dues can be used for Political and other means.

Per the Pamphlet:
Proposition 75 gives rank and file government employee union members THE RIGHT to give their permission before union bosses can take money from their paychecks and use
it for political contribution.

This is some clever wording “money from their paychecks” means UNION DUES. So in effect using DUES to protect the Union is terrible. Now, I don’t recall anyone asking me if my Tax Dollars could be used to support an 80 MILLION DOLLAR SPECIAL ELECTION!!!!

And there is a picture of rugged looking fireman with a very serious expression. Wow, Fireman support this proposition? That seems odd. This is where the crap piles up. So

I check out CDF Firefighter’s page.

Proposition 75

IMPACT ON CDF FIREFIGHTERS:

An egregious initiative designed to limit your participation in the political process, this initiative will put all public employee organizations, including CDF Firefighters, at a serious disadvantage to private employee organizations and corporate special interests, in the realm of supporting and opposing state and local political candidates and ballot measures.

I checked a few other firefighter union sites. They aren’t so happy with this one, now THAT makes sense.

Then it hits me. There is no name in the caption. Outside of a generic circle on the helmet, there are no insignias on the helmet or uniform. .

Here is a picture of a REAL California Firefighter



The Uniforms clearly don’t match. The Insignia is on the side of the helmet with a Bright Yellow Uniform. The “firefighter” in the pamphlet is wearing a dark jacket.

Does that even make sense? If you are surrounded by black smoke in a burning office
building, would you rather be wearing a dark jacket.. or bright yellow? Ya know so the other firefighters can see you?

Here’s my conclusion... This is NOT a Firefighter in the pamphlet. It’s a model PAID to look like a firefighter. Like we have an actor paid to look like a governor. I would like to see if one Firefighter knows this guy in the picture. Once again another ploy by politicians to tug the heart strings in order to sway the balances of power. If Prop. 75 is good for our public servents, why not get a REAL fireman? That’s easy; THEY HATE HIM... just flick on pretty much any T.V. station in California.

Maybe Arnold could introduce us to this MODEL at his next bullshit special election drive-by speech.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Prayers for Fitzgerald

Several years ago, during Dark Term One, a friend signed me up to receive emails from some kind of religious organization that forced children to pray for our President. I can't remember what its called but I do remember that it entertained the hell out of me. What a bunch of quacks. But I digress.

If our President, who must be doing a lot of praying for himself these days, can have a group of adolescents pray for him, I don't see why full grown adults can't do the same for one Patrick "Bulldog" Fitzgerald. I'll start:

I pray that Patrick Fitzgerald, first and foremost, doesn't meet with some kind of "accident" before he starts indicting the criminals we ELECTED.

I pray that Patrick Fitzgerald does the right thing, and by that I mean bring the American warlords to their knees.

I pray that Patrick Fitzgerald has the strength to see his job through to the end, and the widsom to understand how many people are counting on him to finally expose one of the gravest political crimes in American history (and I'm not talking about Plame!).

I pray that Patrick Fitzgerald is protected from the vicious assault that will be taken up against him once the ugly truth starts to trickle out and an entire ideological base finds itself in a purgatory between delusion and destruction.

I pray that Patrick Fitzgerald realizes he is about to become the central figure in a political play worthy of Shakespeare.

I pray that Patrick Fitzgerald understands that Lucifer, encased in ice in Dante's Ninth Circle, has many empty mouths waiting to be filled with the warm flesh of deposed traitors, and that he will send them there. Names that will ring through eternity with the same stench as Judas, Brutus, Cassius -- Libby, Rove, Leeden, Novak, Miller, Cheney, Bush... to name a few.

I pray that Patrick Fitzgerald unties the knot, and what unravels is so putrid that not even Presidential pardons will work (Iran-Contra anyone?).

And most of all, I pray for this great nation to weather its coming shame, to atone for its sins, and to return, finally, to sanity.

Mr. Fitzgerald, its time for your curtain call. All of history is waiting.

An Apology

I really need to apologize to my readers, friends and family.

I am truly embarrassed and saddened about the new Amateur Sex Tape "Crackpot Blows" that is slowly being released across these great internets.

It all started so simply. Last fall, as the Orange County leaves turned, I had invited myself to a Long Beach convention of Vioxx Lawyers (as there was free spirits and crab cakes) and after meeting one, who also was representing Nikki Hilton (who was obviously distraught over her sisters infamy last year), I was led up stairs and now that indiscretion is everywhere.

WHY DO THESE THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME????

I know this is not the person that you thought me to be.

My performance was terribly hollow and one-note. As most my readers, friends and family know, my chops hang with the "Grande Dames" of the "Flesh Arts." Perhaps it was the extra inebriates imbued that evening, but I had dropped lines and cues and the witty improv work that I have been lauded for all these years... just simply did NOT come from my throat; my not even my trademark catchphrase "Slap that ass, you filthy bitch" was naught to be uttered. I only managed to croak out a simple "Are you comfortable in the swing dear?" What was I thinking that night?

I shant blame my lovely co-stars Nikki Hilton, Tara Reid and the staple of my work the "Nutcracking Gorilla." As neophyte ingénues they were breaking new ground, taking risks.
Ah Tara, no Christy Canyon could have ever timed a deep throat/hair flip like that and only a master thespian could have taken on the Gorilla for 12 hours like you Nikki. Stella Adler is creaming in her pants just six feet below her ornate head marker.

God Bless you both.

Please do not purchase nor view this tape.. tis gut wrenching, scenery chewing rubbish.

Please forgive me. I will be cancelling my appearance on this week's "Inside the Actor's Scrotum."

Forgive me,

Crackpot

P.S. Please feel free to view my master class work in THE "Nutcracking Gorilla" series "Crackpot vs. Tina Yothers" , "Crackpot Fingercuffs Kathy Najamy" and "Crackpot Duels with the 'Cute' Bush Twin."

Don't you get it?


I read that Bush is doing a fundraiser across town at the Beverly Hills Hotel tonight. Doing the Reagan Library tomorrow.

Don't you get it?

YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA!

California has never been in the Bush column. Even Arnold hates you now.

Why?

Well for starters you let Enron steal millions of dollars from us and still have done nothing to speed up their court dates.
When the Sillicon Valley collapsed and hundreds of thousands were laid off.. you did nothing.

Now that I think of it there are too many reasons to go into as to why you are simply not welcome here.

Now this is where I may get into some hot water. In early 90's, your pappy came for a visit to San Francisco. The gay community was insulted by your presence. The city was in near riots, the warm glow of effegies were hanging everywhere. Toilet Paper, bottles and pretty much anything they could get there hands on were thrown at your Dad's motorcade. Remember now, this is back when you guys thought it was immoral to cure AIDS (oh nice photo op with Bono yesterday.. who you trying to fool?")

The Gay community had a simple message ... "You don't FUCK with the girly men!"

and I think they expressed their message appropriately. Eye for an Eye.

To my knowledge, a Bush has never step foot in San Francisco again.

Now the LA Gay community is much more mellow...and I encourage them to rise up and stage the largest Un-Welcome Mat there has every been. Who better to call upon to throw a killer Halloween Party on short notice?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hollywood Filth


Not sure what SEASON PASSES to program into your Tivo? Fear not. The Parents Television Council (a group of parents who want to be parents to EVERYONE whether they like it or not) has done the heavy lifting for us all. Their list of worst "Hollywood filth" is in! And wouldn't you know it -- FOX is the big winner. Here are the top 4:

1. The War at Home (I wonder where the War in Iraq fell?)
2. Family Guy (STEWIE FOR DICTATOR OF THE WORLD!)
3. American Dad (Brilliant!)
4. The O.C. (Well... they may have a point here)

I take offense to the Parents Televison Council (not their list, the Council itself) because if there are two things in this world I like it's a) Hollywood and b) filth. People like L. Brent Bozell need to realize that Hollywood is not set up to entertain his idiot children, or the idiot children of the other Council members. Hollywood is set up to rake in money by the truck load and the last time I checked children don't have any money. Parents have all the money and parents like FILTH! YEAH FOR THE PARENTS!

However, I do find a certain beautiful irony in the fact that FOX is the producer of Bozell's worst nightmares as its people like Bozell who worship FOX News, not realizing, perhaps, that they're all the same company. So while Fox News corrupts our entire democratic process, Fox Entertainment is busy corrupting our youth with all sorts of juicy sex, bad language, and violence.

So let's review: MORONS watch Fox News which rakes in truck loads of advertising dollars. Those advertising dollars are in turn used to produce filth like "Family Guy," which the MORONS then protest presumably not realizing they've paid for it to be produced by hanging on Brit Hume's every lie. "Family Guy" brings in more advertising dollars which are used to buy Rupert Murdoch more television stations on which to broadcast the filth the MORONS protest.

Yes, Virginia, Hollywood IS beautiful! And the Parents Television Council is not.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

BILL. BILL. BILL

Welcome RAW STORY, BELLACIAO and Buzz Flash Readers. Cocktails on the left. The HT vs SM article is below. We like to flip back and forth between the Absurd and the Absurder.

I like Bill Clinton. For my money he was the best president of my lifetime. and shaping up to take Jimmy's place as "Best Former President." Granted there ain't a whole lot of good from LBJ on....

Time will tell.

BTW I may be a little "two weeks ago" with this piece but I have been vacationing in New England on the Conneticut river, attempting to connect with the common man.

So I go to the RITE-AID by my house, it's a source of non-fumigant oddities. I look down to see this picture



On the cover of the Ladies Home Journal. Now Bill, buddy, bubba..

I know you need to hit your target audience.. BUT the FUCKING LADIES HOME JOURNAL.. to discuss IRAQ????? C'mon Bill you should at least be doing COSMO! Right between the designer watches ads and the article on "How to Rope a Married Lawyer Through Better Fellatio"

I've done some pretty desperate things to get laid... but c'mon...

Helen Vs. McClellan Round #239

Everyone's favorite Old Bat Helen Thomas took a switch to rich kid Scotty McClellan today. It reminds me of this little piece of brilliance I stumbled upon last month.

Turns out we killed 18 kids in a airstrike today and Helen was trying to get some answers from our "err on the side of life" administration. Especially take a good look at Scotty's response at the end... the lines between "us" and "them" are blurring. Perhaps Scotty would care if these people were already dead or at least white.



Q Dispatches from Iraq said that yesterday we killed 70 people in Iraq, near Ramadi, including 18 children. I want to know what the President thinks of that.

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, first of all, I think you need to talk to the military, because the military --

Q No, I'm talking here.

MR. McCLELLAN: Yes, and as I'm responding to you, the military has said otherwise at this point. Now, the military has review mechanisms in place and when there are questions raised, they look into those matters, and so that's something that, obviously, they will look into. But, beyond that, you'd have to talk to the military about where that stands. Now --

Q Eighteen children --

MR. McCLELLAN: -- in terms of our United States military, our military goes out of the way not to target --

Q Why were 18 children killed?

MR. McCLELLAN: Our military goes out of the way not to target innocent civilians.

Q I'm not saying they were targeted --

MR. McCLELLAN: Our military goes out of the way to target the enemy, and to --

Q Why did they say 18 children?

MR. McCLELLAN: -- bring to justice the terrorists and those who are seeking to prevent democracy from taking hold, through violent means, to justice. And that's what our military does. And they do --

Q Seventy people were killed by an air strike.

MR. McCLELLAN: Helen, please let me respond, because I think it's important to point this out when you're bringing up a question like this. We fully support our men and women in uniform. They're doing an outstanding job to defend our freedoms and to help the Iraqi people move forward on a free --

Q I'm not saying -- I'm saying why did they kill 70 people?

MR. McCLELLAN: -- to move forward on a free and peaceful future. I think everybody in this room would like me to have the opportunity to be able to talk to you about this question. And you're assuming things that people have different recollections about right now, or have characterized very differently. And that's why I said the military has review mechanisms in place, when situations like this arise, and they look into those matters. That's why you need to talk to the military, to see where that stands.

Q Are the figures wrong in all the newspapers?

MR. McCLELLAN: The military is looking into the matter, Helen. I don't have any more information at this point.

Q If I could follow on Helen's question, though. Whatever the facts of this particular situation are, war is an inexact business, and children do get killed. And what I think she's asking is for a response from the President about children who may have been killed as a result of American action.

MR. McCLELLAN: Look, I don't want to assume, because this is an incident that's being looked into.

Q I'm not assuming. I'm not assuming.

MR. McCLELLAN: And I want to also make the point -- and I think you can go back and look at this -- yes, war is always the last resort. It's not something that's pleasant. But it is a decision that sometimes the Commander-in-Chief has to make in order to protect the American people. And he made the decision that we were going to go on the offensive in this global war on terrorism that we're engaged in, and that's exactly what we're doing, and that we're going to work to spread freedom and democracy in a part of the world that is in need of hope. And you have to recognize the struggle that we're engaged in.
And there are people in Iraq, terrorists, who recognized how high the stakes are, and they're seeking to do everything they can to stop the democratic process from advancing. And there are attacks carried out on some of our troops. And when those attacks are carried out on our troops, you have others that respond to that. And we appreciate all that our men and women in uniform are doing when it comes to defending our freedoms abroad.

Now, in terms of any innocent people being killed, we mourn the loss of any innocent life that is lost. We have seen that the terrorists have no regard for innocent human life. That's the difference between the enemy and between those in the civilized world who are committed to spreading freedom and peace. We target the enemy; they target innocent civilians. And there's a stark contrast in how we go about waging this war on terrorism. They carry out cowardly acts against innocent civilians. We go after those who seek to do harm to those innocent civilians.

China is important.

Don Rumsfeld heads to China under suspicisions that they might be underreporting their defense spending. Real Quote: "China is an important country in the region; it's a country that's increasingly important in the world," he said.

No shit? That tiny, fledgling country of China is important? I don't believe it. I don't know much about China but I hear their chop suey is the best in world. I also liked the movie a lot. I had no idea Jack Nicholson was Chinese.

But there is more:

The Chinese, however, denied Rumsfeld's request to visit the Western Hills command center, an underground facility that serves as a national military command post. No foreigner is believed to have been inside Western Hills.

Rumsfeld told reporters on Monday that he was not disappointed that he would not see Western Hills. Of his hosts' decision not to permit the visit, he said, "It tells something about them."

Once again these Defense Department Blockheads are insinuating something but I am not sure what it is... could it be that the Chinese don't want another company, I mean, country to see the War Room, see the "Big Board?" Rummy won't even let us take a peek into the Halliburton books.

Note to the Chinese: Rumsfeld is partly responsible for putting this country in the financial crapper in regards to Defense spending. Don't take any advice on Debt Consolidation

Friday, October 14, 2005

Curses are meant to be broken

The 1919 Black Sox have done their time.

Go White Sox!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Al Qaeda in Iraq says Zawahri letter is fake: Web

The United States government would never knowingly release false information.

(Pause for dramatic effect)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That letter was so full of Republican talking points I can't believe that Al Qaeda even bothered to deny it.

Now look at the post below for renewal of purpose.

THE VOTES ARE IN!




Most Valuable Player
Misty May-Treanor

Team of the Year
Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh
Defensive Player of the Year
Rachel Wacholder
Offensive Player of the Year
Misty May-Treanor
Rookie of the Year
Nicole Branagh
Most Improved Player
Rachel Wacholder

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

My brother has a one eyed cat.

and they call him "Wink"

Yes, really.

PORN SUNDAY!

For those who feel that fundamentalist Christians never have anything interesting to say, here comes PORN SUNDAY! Praise Jesus.

http://www.wtol.com/Global/story.asp?S=3957338

UPDATE:

Hi Giles, nice to have you back. I couldn't help but adding this link from a Christian message board I thought you would appreciate.

I have to wonder how "Nicole B." would respond to this filth

-Crackpot

The Angels Can Eat It

The Anaheim Angles can kiss by Egyptian ass. They are not from Los Angeles, they do not represent Los Angeles, and they sure don't lose baseball games like Los Angeles. But I would rather watch the REAL Los Angeles team -- the Dodgers -- lose for a thousand generations than pull for that dumb Mickey Mouse team for one second. When Connecticut starts a baseball team and calls themselves New York you'll know what I mean.

GO WHITE SOX!

GW

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Art of the Choke

Before reading this, keep in mind: I hate the Angels and have been living down the choke the Giants had in 2002 FOR THREE YEARS NOW. I want to see the White Sox crush them.

My Dad has rarely passed down words of wisdom to me. One of the top ranking Fortune Cookie Philosophies is "The is no better team to watch lose than the New York Yankees, except for the Dallas Cowboys."

Truer words have never been spoken.

The last few years the Yankees have made "The Art of the Choke" some of the most priceless sculpting one could ever wish for.. Whenever they lose it all it instills in one that perfect emotion similar to when the Delta's topple the Omega's.


So Smug. So Arrogant. So "Don't have it" when it is time to rise to the occasion.


Last's year's choke
against the Red Sox was indeed an experiment on "Arrogance vs Tenacity" And the Good guys won.

Did anyone see that too cool for the dugout aqua velva smirk when Jeter hit that home run late in the game tonight against the Angels? Did he realize he was still down by three?

These guys are simply not gamers. They aren't gutsy. They don't have "it"

A-ROD is the worst deal ever. The highest paid player in baseball went 2 for 15. Matsui a dangerous player in the regular a season went 4 for 18...

Okay I'll say it A-ROD is a jagoff... just like anyone who used to work for the Texas Rangers.

Ya know what the number one rule of Little League is.... call "I got it!"

Arrogant Yankees forget this.

The Yankees are beginning to prove that having a lotta cash and throwing it around...
can't beat heart. They were beaten by a rookie pitcher, 22 years old making first year maximum. Now that is FIRE!

So let's all pitch in and buy these pampered Aqua Velva Men a bouquet of Fire and Ice Roses

They could use some "Fire" and they... got.... ICED!

Need a New Gig?

So sometimes it feels like you would need a gps system to find a new gig...Thankfully the Republican Party has come up with a great new website to find that job you are oh so entitled to!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Back from Conn.

I am tired.... really tired.

I have spent a week with the old school drinking old school cocktails.

The geriatrics drank me under the table.

So here is an article from Harper's....

Enjoy... Click on them they get bigger. OR print them.. dont care... Im tired.




Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm in Conneticut.

I am in Conneticut right now... and falling in love with it quite quickly.

Why do I live in Los Angeles?

I'm in the part of Conn that looks exactly like the postcard. I am sleeping in a 19th century canopy bed (which is surprisingly not "sissy" at all,) in my uncle's house that was built during the Jefferson Administration. It's right down the street from Nathan Hale elementary. Named that way because Nathan Hale used to teach there. It houses the country's oldest bell crafted in 815 AD. I am currently staring at the Conneticut River and it's truly an odd feeling to feeling to be surrounded by a world that I thought was LONG gone covered in concrete.

Any ways enough blogging for today.. I got to get back to the old world.

And I got a brand new Red Sox hat for $3.99!