Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Just As Predicted! Fun Times Come to Baghdad!

It is a small world after all. In a post some years ago, that I am too lazy to find, we predicted a Godfather II-esque cut up of Iraq. And now it has come true.. Disneyland is coming to Baghdad!

Okay so it's more aof a Zoo style park.. but what if it was the real Diasneyland.. can it really be that far behind?

But which Mickey fans will show up?

Ah Mickey and Minnie in matching flak jackets humming along to Uncle Remus' favorite tunes. The hourly electric fence parade, except at Xmas when it becomes the snow blown Christmas Parade!

Won't this brash Splash Mountain of Americana become an immediate target? Or will this finally be the snuggliness that will force the Iraqi's to treat us as liberators? Or will this become merely another reason for a bunch of Mickey Freaks to enlist? After 9-11 Bush told us to go to Disneyworld." Is this what he meant?

In any case, this is the first sign of a permant American presence. Who's next?

Trump Plaza ?
The Hustler Casino?

or more than likely... the Ford Motor Company...

Let the outsourcing begin!!

New Crackpot Press on Fridays

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Wilshire Blvd Closed! Local Media Panics!

So Wilshire Blvd is closed today for an Earth Day festival downtown.

And the local media panics as if there were three drops of rain falling! That happens in LA. The news media panics.

You'll never get around it!
Your commute is hopelessly blocked!
Delay! Mayhem! Tie-Ups! Crashes!


I sat on the couch and thought to myself:

Why doesn't the media suggest you take a bus to get around the Earth Day Celebration?
or walk?
or ride your bike?

Why panic?

It' s Earth Day... chill.

Sterotypes Attempt to Buy My Company.

I work at a mini-studio that makes movies.

Walking out into the lobby, I spy three Japanese men in their 50's wearing well-tailored suits.
All of them are perfectly coiffed and maincured. Each of them has a determined inner confidence about them. Each has an "evil" appearance equal to that of George Takei on Heroes.
Immediately I freak...

Are we being bought?

Have the Japanese foreign markets come into my lobby to buy out the joint, montblancs a-blazing? Movie producers never really retire.. they just move on... usually without me.

I work myself into a bit of a frenzy, smelling impending doom... I just got this frickin' job!
What I am gonna do? If they buy the joint and can everyone... what will happen to my health benefits. My girlfriend wants a ring.. will that be post-poned (again!) for God knows how long? My car needs a couple of hundred dollars of work.. where the hell is that going to come from?

These former Japanese Banzai soldiers (despite they are way to young to have been in WW2) are coming for revenge!

Then I learn we are doing some kind of action flick and the bad guy is some Japanese Business "The Man" type.

So I got frightened by some unemployed actors in most likely borrowed suits.

Lesson learned about sterotypes, I retire to my cubicle and attempt to juggle my bills.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Temporary Presence...

We have heard for years now that the US will be in Iraq for a temporary amount of time.

What defines temporary? Well anything that is not permanant. In fact, "for just a 100 years" is temporary.

But now we have a luxury embassy in Baghdad complete with our own Olympic Size Swimming hole. Also it has room for 19 resturants of McWOW! All it needs is a movie theater and some kind of casino (with buffet).

This is the largest Embassy in the world... a boastful, take charge, momument to arrogance shines with good ole fashioned American ingenuity. We ain't goin' nowhere...

In other news, there is still a hole in the middle of Manhattan and ruins in Nawlins. And no one seems to take either very seriously.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Miami Opening Day!

Last weekend's Miami AVP Open offered few surprises. EY and Nicole actually took one from the reigning champs Team Terror, Misty May and Kerri Walsh. 

Rachel and Tyra Got knocked out in the semi-finals as did Team Crackpot (formerly known as Team Spoiler) Jen Boss and April Ross. Sure enough this is the first tourney and my master predictions of a Boss/Ross Olympic bid will come to fruition.  They took Angie Akers and Holly McPeak to advance to the semi-finals. Earlier on they also swiped one from May/Walsh.  

Huh? 1,2,3,4 just like they were ranked.  The lower rankings there were a couple of shakeups, this is where the sport is at its most fun.  Leilani Kamahoahoa (from Seattle?) and Catie Mintz managed to overcome a 22nd seeding to land in 13th. The always over media-hyped 13 seed Team Gorgeous ended up in 17th after they fell victim to the Under-hyped Whitney Pavlik / Jennifer Snyder. Initially seeded at 19 this somewhat unknown duo is the real Cinderella of the tour.  Pavlik is relatively new to the tour and this an awesome start for her. Perhaps TG need to spend a little less time adjusting the makeup in rear view and actually who is in that mirror. Don't spend that $800 prize money in one mall, ladies. 

Perhaps I am just bitter because their team nickname is everything that the sport is not supposed to be. It really brings out the bim stereotype of the sport.

Lame . Lame. Lame.

They could use a lesson or two from Team Lindquist, the hardest working short girls in the league.  Team Lindquist ended in a deserved 9 seed, despite the fact that both of them are about half a foot shorter than Kerri Walsh. The two are the mad scrap dogs of the beach and it usually pays off for them. 

But the dig is in and I guarantee there will be more Shakeups in Dallas this weekend. 

Saturday, April 12, 2008

A literary stink

Jesus, people really stink at the library.

I've been told to keep out of the way for the day. Work is blaring it's deadline harpie siren and I need to get to crosswalking. FIne... I run some errands in 100 degree heat. I run.. West Hollywood to Santa Monica to Northridge to downtown... with no air conditioning because I am trying to balance out the $3.77 a gallon I just paid. I give up on on downtown the collusion of blaze and it's corrupt pal traffic.

Ah, the library..I can finish my newest piece of genius political saritizmo and the leave the Ms. to her own distractions.

I stink. I've been sweating through the fabric lining of a black 2003 mustang for the better part of three hours. Genius strikes.. on this jamp packed errand day.

I sign up on comp PUB07 for the two o'clock time slot in an hour. Zoom down Sunset to the gym (where stinky people are welcome). Do a quickie squat jump thrust then dowse in shower... and BAM! a new me enteries thew close confines of the livrary computer system.

This is where I am still currently making my mistake. The smell from the rows of computers is nauseating. By nostrils absorb the lambada that is Los Angeles. But who is the offending typer?

These description are a little tricky as everyone who I am describing are easily within glancing distance.

The first usual suspect is the homeless guy, a very large homeless guy. Grit unshaven, free of spray and stick, he checks his Gmail on the 15 minute express computer. Can I deal with another 8 minutes before unconsciousness? It doesn't matter
he logs out and leaves. Taking only a portion of the smell with him....

The second easy choice is the White Rastafarian Grad student. Probably from a family of privilege, he grew his hair long two years ago after discovering LEGEND. He now basks in a A/C less studio apartment on Cochran and refuses to bathe to keep it real, Today he is wearing a heavy knit Jamaican turban over two feet of blond dreads.

I stare at the LAPL RULES OF CONDUCT posted by the computer. It bans smoking sleeping AND BATHING! It shoudl set up a fricking delousing center right next to the metal detector.

In its defense the ROC also states that they can kick out folks who lack good hygiene. Where are the volunteer library cops? C'mon there is a retirement home a block away of former strike breakers who have been looking to bust someone's head since 1938. They lusted to go after the writers... and they hope for a SAG strike as they have been wanting to get piece of Richard Belzer for 10 years... not mention Rosemary Clooney's do gooding kid..

The White Rastafarian leaves and takes a piece of the smell with him.

That just leaves my immediate surrounding... a 50 year old man of Indianish decent pursuing tax incentives for small business men. A punk kid rappng and beating on the table about getting laid on the beach. Where is the "Shhh"person? The old hippie woman on
I can't take it anymore and I just say to hell with it... my genius will have to wait.

The smell is

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Ah, Opening Day.

Every year, the Dodgers grow on me just a bit more.

It was harder this year too. I've lived in LA now longer than I did in San Fran. The girlfriend loves the Dodgers, especially now that Torre is here. I've been homesick for a hometown team and the camaraderie that comes one feels with victory and defeat. The Dodgers have been great with my local charity.

Yesterday at opening day they were some definitely touching moments as they introduced the surviving Dodger Greats.

Duke Snider walked boldly into center field. This 80 year old still had that 24 year old swagger still swimming around inside trying to get out. Even from the bleeders you could see the young sprig attempting to spring.

Tommy Lasorda came out, waved at the fans and then refused to leave the dugout. He still has shit to do. It delayed the game as they attempted to get him out. I believe he was baited with a pretzel with the good mustard on it. Sandy Koufax kissed and made up with the organization now that FOX is no longer in the mix. For those who don''t recall FOX alluded to the idea that he might be gay. Koufax swore he was done with them and pledged his support to the Mets. When he threw out the first ball (a strike from the bottom of the mound) a reconciliatory hush blew across the Ravine. For the baseball purist it is the greatest of all days. Koufax even threw out the first ball. Fernando Valenzuela was brought to tears during his announcement.

Sitting in front of me where the three crazy old ladies (one wired for sound) with their Dodger gear and scorecards. Each strike, run and out was meticulously recorded. Next to me sat one of the finest of all traditions-- a grandfather, a dad and a son had all blown off work and school to get to the game. Of course, my gal snatched the binoculars to get a closer view of near virginal basepaths (at least in regulation), the various fans in the crowd and,of course, a glimpse of the very tan and rested Torre. The new SoCal brownish hue on his skin contrasted perfectly with the Dodger Blue and White. She was thrill to peep him and then dug up some addition stats and fact I am a truly lucky man to have a gal in my life that passed the Baseball 101 long ago and doesn't need an explanations for the neophytes. She understands that baseball is not boring... it's just meticulous. It is a thinking man's sport. Even if that man is Larry Bowa.

There was a ruckus around the seventh inning with several folks milling and pointing. Here it comes I thought, the traditional tossing of a Giants Fan hat over the railing.. but it was the MAyor. The fricking Mayor of Los Angeles, took a moment to come hang in our bleeds for awhile. This guy is a rock star up there. Consumed by a crowd of "grab and pic fans," the security cards laid off and let the mayor do people thing. With no media in sight, one behemoth fan, bald headed gang-tattooed approached the mayor. What he said was inaudible, but it took the Mayor on to a heartfelt, soul searching answer.

For the first time in awhile I felt connected. For the first time in awhile I felt welcome in Los Angeles. For the first time in awhile I was a part of history.

Mostly connected to Royalty of the team legacy, connected to my gal, connected to the people that make up Los Angeles.

I felt like a fan.

My best gal waited heroically for me in the beer line. It was beaut of day and noth