Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Well I have already told my closest friends what do after the Huge "Burning Man" (literally) type ceremony that will be my funeral. Some of my more criminally minded friends have been instructed to put my ashes in a grocery bag and then dump them in the Bellagio Dancing Fountain Pool, preferably to a Dean Martin tune.
But this is a good idea too!
Monday, November 28, 2005
One of the MOST under-appreciated bands outta Oakland, opened for him the "Disposable Heroes of Hiphopcrisy"
Billy Bragg brought all three opening acts on stage for his finale. Even the comedian that looked like Ron Jeremy.. and is less funny than anyone I grew up with.
Including Chris Keegan.
The comedian played the cowbell.
Billy said something like this:
"You know I was going to end the show with 'The Internationale' or 'Red Cross' and we could all stomp our feet and raise our fists and leave the Filmore starting the 'New Socialist Revolution'
and you would go home to your roommate and say 'Billy ended the show with 'The Internationale' or 'Red Cross' and we all stomped our feet and raised our fists and left the Filmore starting the 'New Socialist Revolution'
And your roommate would say "Yeah, well that's great... really"
I want you to go home, tell your roommate what happened... and you roommate says, 'HE DID WHAT?"
If you can't dance, you can't be in my revolution"
Billy then breaks into a half hour version of "The Groove is in Your Heart"
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Last night I went out with an old pal for "just a couple of drinks." Friday after Thanksgiving, everyone is still a bit tired, a little lethargic, It would be a mellow night of beers at El Coyote.
El Coyote is old school Hollywood hot spot known for their "scratch Margaritas" and possibly the worst mexican food in the entire southland. If you want to eat go to El Cholo. It's quite sad that Sharon Tate had her last meal there.
Anyways he lays a bombshell on me. Now if it was my bombshell I would spill on this. But since I am the first person he told, I'm keeping to myself. I'll give you hint... we've all been there.
This is when our plan for "just a couple of drinks" goes horribly awry and leads to a frantic trip through old school Hollywood. The Formosa, Coach and Horses, Jumbo's Clown Room and, of course, Crazy Girls. We found a coupon in the street. Also, my pal was nearly killed by a Mini Cooper, fortunately I pushed him away at just the right moment.
Needless to say I was quite hungover this morning. And for some reasons I wearing someone named "Bruiser's" Pet Tags
Fortunately, the Saturday after Thanksgiving is a perfect day to just lounge, slack, loaf, read magazines and books, surf for Finance and Accounting Jobs (I am looking) and porn (new girlfriend is out of town). I flip on the tube and they are running a Spin City Marathon. I go to the gym to try and burn off the hangover. I come back, it's still on. I have been working on some household chores and had the whole damn marathon on. I tried out other channels, but it wasn't a good fit. I tried to watch some football, but it wasn't taking, tried to read Raw Story.. my own writing couldn;t even hold my attention. I kept wathicng more and more Spin City. An above average sitcom ("Average" would be like "The Golden Girls" or "Everyone Love's Raymond") I found myself quite entertained going from the Michael J. Fox years to the Charlie Sheen/Heather Locklear years. I found myself that this above average show was able to keep up the chemistry after losing it's star. What did get annoying was that commericals were the exactly same every commerical break. "Dude Where's My Car (A flick I like much more than I admit) on DVD/TV, Nip/Tuck, malpractice lawyers, Cash Call and Fox Sunday night.
Good work Spin City.
On an another note, I just had the most boring celeb siting ever. I just went to the 7-11 and Jay Mohr and a girlfriend or wife in a "inner beauty" mode buy stuff at 7-11. They got a gallon of milk, some magazines and some Mountain Dew. She was wearing a ring, he was not. He did grab her left buttock in a cutesy way. Earlier in the year I saw John Goodman at the same 7-11, we sang "People Like Us" from his film "True Stories."
By the way, neither of us have figured out to spin "we can't take you out next Saturday.....yet"
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Many years ago I worked at the Talent Agency that repped Johhny and June Carter Cash.
I didn't get it... Johnny was still too much of an influence from my Pop. I thought of Johnny Cash as a tough guy poseuer.. like my Pop. My grandaddy was a badass.
The first two albums I listened to over and over again, till I knew every word.. "Live from San Quentin (not Folsom)" and Sinatra's "Songs for Swingin Lovers." When you are six, your options are limited. It's hard to get high on your own supply. It took me 8 years to figure out what the "bleep"was when Johnny sang "I'm the sunofableep that named you Sue" meant.
A MASH episode cleared that up for me.
I let my friend Glenn take an autographed picture of Johnny and June from the file.
The last one.
I met them both. We shook hands. 10 years ago I had no idea I was meeting two legends. Looked like two people who were important "Once upon a Time" to me.
So I am a jackass.... bummer.
Here is something I didn't know.
Johnny was a bad ass. This is fact even amongst the most ignorant of men.
June was badasser.... she wrote "Ring of Fire"
My Pop thought he was... My grandaddy.. just was...
Cherish that Glenn.
Always know who the badass is.
Look for the one who is blocking the exits.
Monday, November 21, 2005
As most folks know I enjoy reading the White House Press Briefing daily.
Now lately I have been picking up on something odd. The Briefing
transcripts are taking on almost "middle school play" type endings.
Scotty BoyToy has been out while the President is out of the country,
so others have been taking over.
What bothers me is the way these things have been wrapping up.
For Example (these are all from the last week or so):
Press Briefing on the President's Visit to China by Mike Green,
Special Assistant to the President for NSA and Faryar Shirzad,
Deputy Assistant to the President and Deputy NSA for International
Q Is that what they said to you, that they didn't feel the stories
MR. GREEN: When the story came out, we talked to our counterparts
on the other side- they called us to say, this story doesn't
capture where we are, we'll put out a statement to make it very
clear what our policy is with respect to Iraq, and that we're
committed to the mission,and that we're, in fact, going to go
to the national assembly to get clearance to extend the troop
THE PRESS: Thank you.
The entire press corp chimed together for a collective
"Thank You"? That's a little odd. Helen, David and the
Rest all stood up and said this?
SECRETARY RICE (after an overlong answer to a question on
: South Korea
Thank you very much.
Q Good to see you again.
SECRETARY RICE: Nice to see you, too. Good to be with you. Take care.
Q But that will still be in there, right?
MR. HADLEY: We'll see what he says tomorrow. I've said all I can say.
MR. JONES: Thank you.
Stephen Hadley: Anything else? Okay, thanks.
THE PRESS: Thanks a lot.
identified by a “Q” not an actually name be it “Mr. Jones” or "The Press."
Assuming Mr. Jones is Bill Jones of the Executive Intelligence Review, (Editor Lyndon LaRouche author of “Soldiers of Satan” which is a look at Dick Cheney) this kind
of ass-kissery is completely out of whack.
There is something fishy going on here. The normal video of the press conferences has been dismissed as of late. Maybe it’s because the speaker mouths are less pretty than Scotty’s. But we can’t actually watch it anymore… this too is odd.
To me, there is a lot of bad news going on, especially for the Republican Party. Are they just trying to end the press briefings on a high note. Look at any of the Scotty Boy transcripts, they don’t end on this upbeat greeting from the press.
And they had the video to back it up.
Let’s keep an eye on it and see what happens.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Have you ever had one really great week?
Monday through Sunday...
A really great week?
A "got that place I always miss when I'm shaving" kind of week?
A " I read something that really got to me" kind of week?
A "72 degrees at 6:00pm on a Sunday evening in November" kind of week?
A "Good friends, good football, the good guys won" kind of week?
An "I found a dollar" kind of week?
A "God dealt me an ace" kind of week?
A "Have I lost weight?" kind of week?
An "I discovered a great new band" kind of week?
An "I got paid after a long time" kind of week?
An"I feel alive" kind of week?
An "I roller skated" kind of week?
An "I bought ice cream from a truck" kind of week?
The "that other B.S. doesn't matter this week" kind of week?
I'm saving this week, for a week where it ain't "That kind of week"
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
I lost my phone.
Now it was there yesterday sitting on my desk,during my occasional lunch hour nap.
I called it at both my job and at my house. Can't hear it anywhere. Checked the pants I wore yesterday.
It just vanished... without warning.
Perhaps I did something to piss it off
Perhaps it just didn't think that our relationship was working out.
Perhaps the phone just didn't think it was a good fit.
Perhaps the phone decided the girl with the huge rack next door would make it happier. In which case I really can't blame it... I would leave my phone for the girl with the huge rack next door. She has a better car and smells really good.
Perhaps the phone just needs a break or is playing some kind of "amateur hour" passive agressive game with me.
I think I am gonna give the phone just one more chance to reveal itself.
Just 24 hours more, then I will go find me something better.
After burning all the pictures of us together over the last year.
UPDATE: PHONE HAS BEEN FOUND!!! Note to self: Black car+ Black Phone = Lost Phone
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
For a long time I have been going by the Moniker of "Crackpot" or "Crackpot Press".. well here's the truth-- my name is David Howard.
Now I know you aren't supposed to give out your name. But David Howard is a pretty common name.
I did a Google Image Search and found it was quite strange that I have the same name as the following people. Dave Howard is the one that is not Sarah, Louie or Billie. So I guess if you are looking for me, you will know where to find me.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Bill: I'm glad the smear sites made a big deal out of it. Now we can all know who was with the anti-military internet crowd. We'll post the names of all who support the smear merchants on billoreilly.com. So check with us.
We hate you! Please link to us. And I am from San Francisco... the town that the President is too chickenshit to visit.
At Crackpot Press we only speak in cold hard facts. Unlike other folks who may or may not have a show
THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT BILL O'RILEY
He was the First Choice to play Opie on the "Andy Griffith Show" but had to bow out due to the mumps. In 1982, He keyed Ron Howard's car while it was parked at Chasen's.
His show is syndicated in Ireland where he is known as Herschel Sanchez.
He makes up one word a day so his audience thinks he delifabtastical.
He makes me giggle when he uses the word "pithy." It make him sound gay.
Hair is real... tie is painted on every night.
He dated the Olsen twins... before they were famous.
He launched Ann Colture's career from the floor of Penn Station ladies room.
He is one of four people in the United States who becomes less funny the higher you get. The other three are Alan Greenspan, Jared from Subway and my boss.
He is the secret owner of a family of Lassa Apsos who live under assumed names in a small town outside Plano, Texas. He does send money, but does not praise them.
He was the first man to knit a functioning rubber. It was teal.
He grew up in a "Family Bed;" WAY before it was cool.
He cannot pronounce the Number 79.
So Bill Screw you! We tell the truth!
And my crappy promotional stuff kicks your crappy promotional stuff's ASS!
Monday, November 14, 2005
I am man who loves a good cocktail. On occasion, you may have found me imbued, saucy or hammered. But I also believe that there is a time and a place for everything.
World Series... a good day for cocktails.
a good concert... whip em out.
The AVP tour... sneek on over to the Poopdeck in Hermosa between matches.
Sunday afternoon at the Baja Cantina.. I'm in.
Trying to help out the Governor of Virginia win a very close election???
I think I would lay off that night.
Apparantly W. doesn't think so.
Here it is, GEORGE BUSH DRUNK!!!
It has become very apparant that this job has driven him nuts, now with Libby,Rove and Cheney slowly unraveling he is getting his Jenna on!
I believe the President should have a little fun now and again, but this man has fallen off the wagon and over the coming months he WILL be dragged behind it.
Honestly, I don't think W. purposely lied about anything (sorry Giles Weaver) I think he just reads whatever the teleprompter tells him and regurges what other tell him.
And he is about to snap.
Just wait till he realizes he is a fraud.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Being thown into ICU... being told I had 12 hours to live.
Finding out what "Juvenile Diabetes" really meant..
Slutting from time to time.
Cigarettes... lots of them.
Selling myself out.
The passing of Frank..that was a big deal for me.
For all of you who I told "I am buying a Mustang"
and YOU said "I deserve it"
You are goddamn right I do.
and of course...
Billy, Sharon and Steve Liubergerstein.
Thanks for getting me through this...even if you think you "did nothing"
You did something.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
The ratings aren't so hot....
What could we do about that?
Here's an idea let's put it up against Monday Night Football and see if it does better in that time slot!!!
That's a formula for SUCCESS.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
When I was 17 I worked in a video store. In fact, most of the people of my generation that I consider "Geniuses" worked in a video store at some point or another.
How hard is it, really, to put together a DISPLAY IN VIDEO STORE--- FOR STAR WARS!!!!
Except for one of the remaining contestants... they all looked at each other like Star Wars was some obscure french film where aging cousins request butter for no reason. The women were shaking in their Jimmy Choos they wrestled some other bitch for on discount day.
Then I remembered something. On my 30th birthday I resolved that I would not date any woman who was born after the initial release of "Star Wars", 1977. Throughout the remaining 6 years I have held steadfast to this ... as long as you don't confuse "Hanging Out" with "Dating."
These punks kids are young.. they don't know Star Wars.
They don't understand the passion behind Star Wars. They don't know standing in line 10 times to see Star Wars in a Summer. Must have been great for my folks. Need an afternoon off from parenting.. drop the brat off at Star Wars.. he'll just sit there and watch it over and over and over again.. that's like nine hours of free time....take a nap...
And this was before Star Wars became "Geek Culture" When it first came out, it was "I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO FUCKING AWESOME IN THE NINE YEARS OF MY LIFE." It kicked the Astrodome's ass. It was such a pure thing that no filmmaker will ever duplicate... remember, at this point technology was PONG.. it was all done with models. There was so much passion, so much excitement. I'm guessing it's the similar to the a generation of teenage girls who went to go see Titanic over and over and over again. Usually alone.
So how the HELL can 8 so-called smart people not SELL FUCKING STAR WARS.
It's a slam dunk. Put an ad up on craigslist.
I've said this over and over again. What sells is passion. One picture of Princess Leia in the Gold Bikini will get more Gen-X men to buy anything. When that Rolling Stone cover came out... jesus mary and joseph... once again.. something I had never seen before. I think I had a boner that entire summer.
If you don't have passion... fake it, make it up, FIND IT.
Okay so the accountant speaks, here is what I have would have done:
A) Pictures from EVERY STAR WARS movie... This one ties it all together. Gold Bikini is important. You get the new and the retro all in one.
B) Perhaps some sound clips. Scent is the strongest of the senses. Audio is also important. There is no one my age (you know, the guy with wallet) who doesn't get a low vibration somewhere from the abs to the nads when they hear they hear the Star Wars opening anthem. Everytime I hear that... I am nine years old again. Especially if it the words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" proceed it.
C) Get Darth Vader there in person.. I believe he is with the Gersh Agency. 310-274-6611
D) Sell discounted "Empire Strikes Back" DVD's with purchase.
E) Not one of these jagoffs had a light saber present. Pay ten bucks and get one.. pay twenty and get two... then ya got a fight. People like pretty lights and shiny things.
F) More sound clips... If someone hears "deep breathing" they will listen.
I will now leave you with words of Giles Weaver's wife. She went to see Star Wars with him.
She fell for the actor playing Darth Vader. She said "He had me at 'We can rule the Galaxy together'"
If you want to rule... then RULE!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The people of California have voted against all eight prop measures. This should go as a warning to the right... we're on to you. The puppet show don't play in CA.
Your bullshit attempts to change the rules as you go... are OVER!
Can I have the $80 million you spent on this back?
I want to thank all the Californians who stood with the Crackpot Press and said NO to special elections.
I thought it may show a change in the Republican mindset when Arnold said this:
On a Beverly Hills stage Tuesday night next to his wife, Maria Shriver, Schwarzenegger pledged "to find common ground" with his Democratic adversaries in Sacramento.
"The people of California are sick and tired of all the fighting, and they are sick and tired of all the negative TV ads," he told supporters at the Beverly Hilton. He did not concede, saying instead that "in a couple of days the victories or the losses will be behind us."
And it's just not in CA, across the country the People are SMASHING DOWN on Republican Arrogance.
In Pennsylvania, 8 of 9 school board members were given the AX by the voters for forcing the myth of intelligent design on our kids
Repubs: Work with us, not at us.
And Arnold... your movies suck. Magic ticket my ass.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
It was a while ago but I had it all; pink diamond rings, Psychotherapy T Shirts, Jay Maloney's AND Don Simpson's beeper numbers on my speed dial. Kaye Popofsky and Jackie Marcus still returned my calls, all four hungry for a three blowjob deal.
It was a simpler time.There was no internet, no expanded home markets mortgage rates were at an all time low, no one had ever heard of vioxx lawsuits and my penis was coveted.. by the best.
I still have the thong that Elizabeth Berkley gave me... in a meeting. It now hisses the scent of spoiled gouda.
I was taken down by my own arrogance. I insulted the chef at the Rita Hayworth dining room, the studio could live without me, but not without his legendary egg white, avocado, eel southwest tex mex scramble. He works at Lion's Gate now... bitch.
But now I am BACK!!! BACK I SAY!!!
I HAVE PUT TOGETHER THE MOST EXCELLENT MOVIE EVER. Sure it's a remake... but damn if it isn't the feel good movie of the year. I wept (down there) the moment I first read it. Jack and Shelley remembered me from that thing with the thing..you gotta hand it to that guy... most loyal manI have ever met.
Shelley could still use a sandwich; A CRACKPOT Sandwich.. BowBowBow.
You can view the trailer here.
I'm SO Back. Lizzy, I need some new panties.
Monday, November 07, 2005
The California Smog Test is the biggest fricking scam job in the world. I drive a 1996 Chevy Lumina and it's has been a good, reliable car for me. Sure it's hitting around 100k miles but in very good shape. I am trying to get the damn thing registered ($125) and have to get a Smog Check... WAIT not just a smog check but I SMOG TEST. A smog test requires going a special "Test only" place. This means they can test the car
but if it fails, they aren't allowed to fix it.
I know it's an instant fail if the service engine light is on. So I take it to the first guy and he tells me the spark plugs aren't firing right. He replaces them and some coils ($250), but the car runs a little better now.
So off to Smog Test Guy, the Lumina fails, not by much, but fails nonetheless. (that'll be $50 dollars, please)
However this guy can't tell me what to do next.
So I take it to a Smog Specialist ($80) who tells me a computer is misfiring and that's the reason it's failed.
Bad News... He can't fix it... Gotta get it to the dealership.
I bring my detailed report to the Dealership. He has to run his own diagnostic ($100) to then realize that it is not the computer --(which I think is a lie by the way) but the car needs a ($200) tune up.
Okay I am REALLY pissed off now. But the one thing that is free is a second test.
Which I fail, with nearly the exact same results.
Back to the Dealership, what the hell do I do NOW???
They are saying the Catalytic Converter ($800) needs to be replaced. So for those of you math geniuses (you know, the folks who understand about Mortgage Refinancing and current gold prices) have figured it out already... $1600 of work for a car worth $2200-ish maybe.
Oh and fixing the Catalytic Converter doesn't mean it will pass.
So fair Lumina, I think it is time for us to part ways.. It's been a good 7 years, but I need to trade you in for younger sexier newer model. Maybe a little more low maintenance, a little less costly, a little more fun. It's not the years, it's the mileage.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
For the Canadians.... there is no picture of me in a suit.
However, enjoy this 1986 Prom Photo. I can no longer grow bangs.
If you look closely, you can see part of her diamond watches collection.
Catherine , Nice Gal.
I stalked her down right before my ten year reunion. It was nice to know she was doing great. Really.
It was all very scandalous, because I was in co-ed boarding school at the time and we weren't supposed to date girls from other schools. Especially Catholic Girls.
I used to sneak out and climb over fences and snuggled under barbed wire to see her.
My mom came in for a visit and fell in love with her.
Mom signed a permission slip so I could see her whenever I wanted.
Anyways we got bombed this night, spent the night in a Ramada Inn (which was extremely tame yet I still have the garter) and then I took my SAT's the next morning, scored a 1450...
Go figure. It didn't end well...what teenage thing does?
It's weird to think that next spring is 20 years later. She got married 6 years ago. I am still single.
She is still the "gold standard" that I judge any other woman by. She truly had every quality I look for in a woman. These qualities all go far beyond looks. There was something soulful there. Something adventurous. something 32 at 17 and 17 at 32. I have fallen in love a few times since then...but it's not the same thing... there wasn't "the magic" or "the simple." All the "what are they thinking" bullshit corrupts the emotion.
The girlfriend after this and I got into a fight. I remember saying "Goddammit Catherine." My girlfriend's name was Diane.
True love is a simple emotion. It's a base emotion, no different than flipping someone off in traffic. It's easy and heartfelt. Over the years cynicism, suspicion,insecurity, mysoginy and the Sex in the City synonym taint this true emotion. It makes it hardest emotion to express; a crystal pitcher of dirty martinis. True Love is selfless, the hardest emotion. I dare you to let your guard down.
Guess Catherine was one in a million... or at least in a hundred.
She is the only woman I ever fell in love with AND didn't sleep with.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I don't have any reason to wear a suit. My job doesn't require it. I live in Southern California... I can't understand why I have to wear pants at all.
But I put on a suit today. No one died or got married or nuthing. Just had a job interview 10 miles away. And today I really looked like a man. Armani Tie, good haircut, shined shoes, starched white shirt. In fact I starched it just north of comfortable. I 've worn this suit before... but today for some reason.. I look like a man.
On the way to the interview, I am unusually irritable. It was one of those "National Drive like Crap" days. I notice a missed shaving spot. So I stop at the Ralphs and buy some razors and get to work on myself in the Ralph's bathroom. Scrrrrrappee... the dry shave is always a bad one yet Salt Wound refreshing..ripping skin cells off.. but I don't manage to cut myself.... a good thing going into a job interview.
My Internet date calls and cancels.. whatever.
I do the interview... 4 half hour one on one interviews. 3 of the 4 were terribly boring. I mean toothpicks in the eyes (not the eyelids) dull. Are you aware of the New SEC Sederis testing method... with the lyrical Ben Stein drawl....
How the fuck did I become an accountant? I have been lapped danced by the starlet du jour. I've smoked pot with rock stars. I puked on Gwen Stefani's shoes in Tiajuana. These people are dull... not enough "U"'s in dull to tell you how dull they are.
But the gig pays well... so I go with it.
I complete my two and half hour job interview and slam right into rush hour traffic.
And then there are these fucking Hippies...who have shut down Wilshire Blvd and there are thousands of us stuck in our cars trying to get on the freeway.
They hate Bush. Who doesn't? I will stand toe to toe with any nasty ass dumb witted Bush shrub.
So hippies, I empathize with your message. I know you don't have to get someplace.. but I am hungry and I want to go home.
Can I PLEASE go home now?
and please, shower.
For that matter why is "Victory Blvd" praised in "I Love L.A." With the exception of the Stargarden, there is no reason to go to Victory Blvd...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
The Democratic Party
Thank Harry Reid for forcing the Senate to talk about Iraq
and manipulated intelligence:
Late this afternoon my friend Senator Harry Reid forced the
Senate into an extraordinary closed session to discuss the
manipulation of intelligence on Iraq and subsequent cover-up
that led to the indictments last week.
BLAH DONATE BLAH MONEY! BLAH... and THEN!
Enough is enough and we're ready to lead.
Governor Howard Dean, M.D.
YAHOO! Isn't leading what I pay you for? NOW you are ready to lead?????
In 2001 I was laid off and have been underemployed ever since. I watched as our Demo Gray Davis did nothing. I watched as W. did nothing. I watched as Feinstein and Boxer did nothing.
I moved onto a friend's couch.
I lost everything.
And you want me to give you money?
Politicians got paid do the same thing I did when I was out of work... they got paid to do NOTHING! (FULL DISCLOSURE: I did not get paid to do nothing.)
I'm not giving you money to grow a pair.
I had to grow them on my own. With a Chia Pet kit and Bic 4 pack as my only friends.
Howard Dean is a homo (but not in the "gay way")
UPDATE: Howard Dean is a "Nancy" not a "Homo" My semantic linguistics have been corrected.
Wait my Aunt's name is Nancy.. Howard Dean is now a "Phyllis"
UPDATE: Howard Dean is still the "King of Pussification"
Where is Johnny Cash when you need him?