Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Dave Howard: Center of the Universe

Coupla Dead People this week. I feel extremely fortunate that I saw James Brown live. Sure I saw him do two songs at a taping of the Arsenio Hall Show in 1992 with this NBC page I was trying to sleep with.

I thought it an odd choice that he did "It's A Man's Man's Man's World"...


I think my over enthusiastic response to the song selection sunk my chances with sleeping with the NBC page.

Last night. I took my Mom and girlfriend to go see Dreamgirls in Rancho Mirage, California along with every nellie in the Palm Springs area.

It's really great to see a flick when it has a home field advantage.

At the same moment I watched Dreamgirls, just down the street, Gerry Ford was gasping his last gasp.

I also saw Gerry Ford live.

Sure he didn't do the leg splits at the Walnut Creek open air mall that is the last reminder of the small town it used to be. The thing I remember, that even though it was a typical 85 degree California fall, he took off his coat.

"This will really upset the Secret Service" Gerry quipped.

That's the only thing I remember about that day.

I do remember having class election later in the year. Everyone wrote Ford/Dole or Carter/Mondale on a slip of paper in crayon and placed in a red or blue coffee can.

The final tally was 8-1 in favor of Ford/Dole.

I voted for Carter.

What can I say? At 8, I was a fan of peanut butter. All right, HUGE FAN. Still am.

There was little bad you can say about Ford. He got a thrown into a REALLY CRAPPY GIG.
He made the best of it.

James Brown got thrown into a Crappy World.

He made the best of it.

OW! heH! Jump back.... kiss myself.

Living in America.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Thoughts on Peter Boyle

About ten- twelve years ago, Jerry Garcia (or maybe his estate) decided to make a line of Grateful Dead Boxer Shorts and Ties. Giles Weaver and I went to the premiere party (or whatever the hell they call it when you start selling undies and neckwear) in this hanger in the Santa Monica Airport.

Great goodie bags. The "Sugar Magnolia" silk boxers didn't hold up to my manliness, but I still have my "Ramblin" tie.

Just about every Los Angeles power hippie was in attendance. Hopper, Nicholson, Alred, Fonda, Beatty. The atmosphere was both festive and (ahem) fragrant.

However, amongst all these power players was Peter Boyle at cocktailing at the bar.

I remember Giles and I surveying the scene and then both seeing him and in unison saying "Holy Shit... Peter Fuckin Boyle is here"

We were both a bit too stoned to actually go up and talk to him and so we just stood near him and went back and forth on "Where the Buffalo Roam" quotes.

In 2001, Trusty DC found himself having dinner with Peter. He was dating somegirlwhodidsomething on "Everyone Loves Raymond," so he went to the Xmas Party and got "assigned" to Peter Boyle's table. Turns out he was a helluva guy.

Made me pissed off we didn't say anything in that hangar.

Some really awful television

I recently heard that there had been a STAR WARS XMAS SPECIAL in 1978. Now as a ten year old this would have been a pretty big deal... yet I have no recollection of this whatsoever.

So good soul has done us the favor of condensing the extremely painful 120 minutes into a merely stinging five minutes.


Thursday, November 30, 2006

Jamie Masada is fucking asshole.

Jamie Masada has banned the word "nigger" from the Laugh Factory at the Sunset Strip.

Think about it.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Crackpot Press Special Guest

On Monday or perhaps Tuesday Crackpot Press will welcome a very special Guest Crackpot..

The world's one and only...


Mojo will be talking to us about his two new shows on Sirius, the Death of Nasville and Barbara Bush's clit.

Hmmm Mojo Nixon talkin politixin... what would be the best name of that show?


Thursday, November 09, 2006

Gem from the Dollar Bin


This is the Holy Grail of the Dollar Bin. For years, I have been looking for this on Amazon, E-Bay and troll-lurking used record stores. Shit, finding the image on Google was a bitch. Released in 1986, this was the antidote for the touchy feely “We Are The World.”

In 1985 someone in Sperry topsiders invited me to an Anti-Apatheid Rally in East St. Louis. Being from California, I assumed it was some Cesar Chavez save the farmer’s kind of thing.

Yes, I assumed Apartheid was something our government was spraying on poor farmers.

I was right.

Of course, Apartheid was the repression of the black majority in South Africa.

Unlike ‘We Are the World” there was no gutless music and lyrics (Sorry Quincy) . Rather
than the ultra positive, “We Are the World” that spawned countless self-important
imitiations; Sun City was tough, simple and poignant. Unlike, “We Are The World” it
actually invited artists FROM Africa to participate. Written by Little Steven (for the Old
Folks: the guy with bandanna from the “E-Street Band,” for the young ... he was on the
Sopranos”) the lyrics are straight to the stiletto point.

"We ain’t gonna play Sun City."

In a Reagan world where Rap was a New Ghetto Thang and the Punk had been reduced
to a haircut, the ragtag Run DMC, Lou Reed, Bruce Springsteen, Joey Ramone, Afrika
Bambaattaa, Miles Davis, Pete Townsend, George Clinton and Jimmy Cliff made a united
front. A bunch of guys who, at that time, weren’t even allowed to share the same chart on
the back page of Rolling Stone. A young suburban kid got the message and felt some of
the pain. It was the first time for me that rap meant more than grabbing your dick.

A group protest song that was not something to listen to. It was something to get angry

I tried to impress girls with my sensitivity with “We Are the World”

I needed to get something done when I heard “Sun City”

To this day, it is the only “Mega artist” collaboration that was a part of eliminating the
problem. It raised my awareness. I became a part of it.

I am sure there is still racism, but there is no more apartheid. Farm-Aid is still around.
People are still starving in Africa. AIDS is still available.

Guess that’s why the album is so hard to find.

and it was in the fucking dollar bin.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I just braved the 95 Degrees here in Studio City California to go vote. I just realized a friend of mine from high school is running for my congressional district on the Green Party. Odd because we both went to highschool in St. Louis. So if you are the Mighty 28th district, Vote for Byron Delear and send Howard Berman packing. He's one of "them"

Naturally I wanted to see how my pal was doing, so I check the the local website.

First of all they don't list Green Party Candidates. However more shocking is that FOX has already proclaimed Richard Mountjoy (R) defeating DIANE FEINSTEIN???

Click on the picture of California.

Also John Jones (R) has defeated Mike Thompson (D) in District one


Look I think we all know that Fox News has never truly been on the up and up... but this takes the cake... the polls don't even close for 8 and half freaking hours.

I guess FOX news is really done pretending.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Special Guest Crackpot

Hey I was cleaning out the Crackpot Press submissions folder and I ran across this bit that was submitted to me.

Also I rant on Aaron Sorkin and Greg talks about delicate surgery.

Check it out!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Friday, October 13, 2006

Go to the Main Site

New Look, new stuff over on the main site...

The Giant Robot Interview
The Return of Daze Strange
Agitating the Sleep
Me, on the Gays
Half Remembered Reviews
The Crappy Gig
The Flight to Brindisi

and a whollatta other crap.

check 'er out

Friday, September 29, 2006

Spelling and Such

I stumbled across this "I Hate Murtha" site.

Why do I half a harde tyme takeng theese folks seriouslee?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Today's Spin

So the moderates shut down the right wing....

Remember the right wing.. they are the opposite of us pot smokin' Benny Hill watchin' masturbating types...

So the moderates, facing Career nihilation... have finally decided to re-define POPULAR!!!!!!

But it is funny what the right wing blogs are running for their news...

Cos... they got nuthin'.. and as Gershwin said.. "Plenty O'" it. Yet I had $12.59 on the 2006 summer temps.... DAMMMIT!!!!
They are obviously trying to alienate us POPEYE fans...

What will they do next?


In case you have forgotton, this is what a REAL TEXAN does.

Still can't believe that Texans are still falling for the New England Yankee.

COme to think of it... did Bush ever get diction lessons for that Twang?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Coincidence? I think not...


I think that mainstream America may be waking up.

First I go over to Media Matters where they have this report . Or if you wanna cheat it's just gauging that since Katie Couric (Delta, Delta, Delta, can I help ya? help ya? help ya?) has taken over at CBS news the right wing guests far out number the left leaning guests.

Then I was checking the Drudge report where they post this little bit on Katie's ratings... going in the toilet.

Coincidence? It looks like CBS is throwing a bone to the right over that whole forged memo thing...

But could it be that the right wing cotton gin is losing some steam?

Are the great undecided.... making a decision to check out the latest syndicated 1/2 hours? A little VOD maybe.. people working later?

Or maybe it's her hair... or maybe people don't yet take cutey Katie seriously

Battle for the Ages

The best Pro Beach Volleyball match of the year..

Once Champion Partners, now bitter enemies.. Rachel Wacholder takes on Elaine YOungs for the first time.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Hey Folks!

So I looked at this and I haven't done anything new in weeks!

I have been working on the new Crackpot Press site

Still healing but I am getting some feeling back in my right hand.

Also I offer up the first piece THE ONION did after 9-11.

It's one of the best pieces of satire writing I have ever read.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

People need the HOBO CODE

I stumbled upon this recently.

I thiknk we should all stand by this.

This Hobo Code.

s inscribed in the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America held on August 8, 1894 at the Hotel Alden, 917 Market St., Chicago Illinois;

1.-Decide your own life, don't let another person run or rule you.

2.-When in town, always respect the local law and officials, and try to be a gentleman at all times.

3.-Don't take advantage of someone who is in a vulnerable situation, locals or other hobos.

4.-Always try to find work, even if temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.

5.-When no employment is available, make your own work by using your added talents at crafts.

6.-Do not allow yourself to become a stupid drunk and set a bad example for locals treatment of other hobos.

7.-When jungling in town, respect handouts, do not wear them out, another hobo will be coming along who will need them as bad, if not worse than you.

8.-Always respect nature, do not leave garbage where you are jungling.

9.-If in a community jungle, always pitch in and help.

10.-Try to stay clean, and boil up wherever possible.

11.-When traveling, ride your train respectfully, take no personal chances, cause no problems with the operating crew or host railroad, act like an extra crew member.

12.-Do not cause problems in a train yard, Another hobo will be coming along who will need passage thru that yard.

13.-Do not allow other hobos to molest children, expose to authorities all molesters, they are the worst garbage to infest any society.

14.-Help all runaway children, and try to induce them to return home.

15.-Help your fellow hobos whenever and wherever needed, you may need their help someday.

16.-If present at a hobo court and you have testimony, give it, whether for or against the accused, your voice counts

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Where do we go NOWOWOWOW.

I know the boomer's, as usual, have been grabbin the headlines.

Paul McCartney.. Goldie Hawn on the cover of the AARP mag.

Discussing the death of Bruno Kirby...Giles Weaver and I got into a conversation about the movie "When Harry Met Sally" ("You made a woman MEOW??"...brilliant )

I told Giles that I caught the flick on cable recently and it didn't mean as much to me, now that we are older than the characters involved. He didn't buy it. "THOSE ARE OLD PEOPLE"

The "Harry Met Sally" people are older than us.

As a nineteen year old kid, getting high off of Diane.. it meant something. These old people and their problems. In retrospect... We would be blessed to have their problems. We would also be blessed to have the "problems" of the characters in "THE BIG CHILL" who we are now also older than. Your worst problem is that you had an affair and your estranged friend killed himself... bummer...

These characters seemed like a bunch of yuppies that had a bad divorce or breakup.... BUMMER!

The folks I know..... these "Harry and Sally" people have have as much impact on my life as the 90210 kids.

People I don't know. People who have never lost a job. People who have never lost a friend prematurely.. It's the life we wished we had.

Fucking Boomers...

Boomers.. it' s time for your last chance hangover mass...

What are you gonna do? What is your legacy?

Oh and by the way... the average age of the college fresman... was born the year this song came out....

Gen X... time to make your mark.

Work on that.

I know you have responsibilities....

But what are you up for?

Saturday, August 19, 2006

So beezaree I watched it four times.

It gets better after the initial.

Those Wacky Snakes.

I won't spoil this flick at all. However, I was surprised at the smaller (yet extremely enthusiastic) crowd at the Mann's Bruin in the heart of Westwood last night.

The entrie crowd chanted along, making hissing sounds (even through the trailers) and the entire crowd chanting along with the no famous line. As a note my girlfriend refused to watch any clips of the movie prior to seeing it. Especially the now famous line.


"It would be like seeing the bride before the wedding."

However, I really think Kirk Honeycutt's review from The Hollywood Reporter really sums it up:

This represents a kind of entertainment genius along the lines of fun houses, roller coasters and tricks those Thai hookers perform with razor blades and soda bottles in Bangkok sex shows.

Well, done Kirk! Now THAT’S a flick I want to check out!

Friday, August 18, 2006

You don't get it?

Sam Jackson on the Daily Show. I called a friend yesterday to invite him and his gal to join CPG and myself tonight at the Bruin.

"I have no interest. I don't get it."


Monday, August 14, 2006



I love the fans at the Manhattan Beach Open. The Manhattan Beach Open is the Granddaddy of them all and this town knows their volleyball. This week there was a lot to talk about. Opinions and conspiracy theories about the Rachel Wacholder/Elaine Youngs split made it feel like a Kos Convention.

EY’s spins was “she wanted a taller, more athletic partner.” This makes as much sense stapling jelly to ceiling. EY has had more success on the tour with Rachel since Misty May and Kerri Walsh came on to the scene. Also that she proclaimed Nancy Mason as “temp partner” for the weekend… sems like some claws came out in France and Austria.

Then I heard Rachel’s side, which seems much more likely. Apparently at the FIVB in Paris two weeks ago, Elaine ripped into Rachel on the on the court (I’m trying to find the video). Elaine has always been a fiery player, but now she is screwing up the whole women’s league. In fact there are several new teams due to this break up. I’ll sort it all out for you in a second.

The only real winners are Kerri Walsh and Misty May who will probably not face a challenge for the rest for the season. Mostly because it will take all these new teams to get into a groove together. Also May droped 15 lbs lately due to an off season power work out "vacation" with her husband Matt Treanor, catcher forthe Florida Marlins.

But all this hoopla has had a impact on Wacholder’s playing style. EY and Rachel were very much a good cop/bad cop team. They both would play hard but Rachel was the introvert and Elaine was the digger, hell bent, often arguing with Ref’s. There has always been a time bomb in EY.

Rachel’s play this weekend was as good as she gets. But she was the one arguing and showing her temper off. The game prior to the match televised on NBC this weekend was hands down the BEST match I have ever seen in the years that I have been watching the sport.

Rachel Wacholder and Jenn Boss vs Holly McPeak and Nicole Branagh were tied at one game a piece going into the traditional Game Three 15 point face off. You need a two point marging to claim a victory. This led to a marathon of nail biting final match points.

The Final Score was 27-25 in favor of McPeak/Branagh, thanks to a bullshit call. Rachel was playing with a more extroverted passion than I had seen her play with. In the first match point which favored a poor call by the ref sent Rachel flying into in the Ref stand, pounding on his podium. Unlike most sports,in the AVP this kind of arguing can get a decision changed or at least a second opinion. All four of the women were on fire with every new point going down. I thought at any moment Branagh and Wacholder were going to lose it and rip each other throats out. Then I learned why. Just before the match Elaine had named Nicole Branagh as her new partner. Rachel had something to prove that day and she lost it on a blown call.

So here are the rumors on the new partnerships.

Elaine Youngs takes on last years Rookie of the Year, Nicole Branagh

Rachel Wacholder teams with Jen Boss, who was also her pick at the Vegas Shoot Out last year.

This leaves Nancy Mason (formerly with Boss) and Holly Mc Peak (formerly with Branagh) partnerless.

While they would be a good match up. Holly McPeak is leaning towards newcomer Logan Tom. Who knows what will happen with Mason.

A note about Holly, she one of the long standing Veterans of the beach and has been dabbling in the broadcast booth. She would have learned about Nicole’s partnership with her ex (Elaine). She did maintain her composure throughout the final games, though they were beaten badly by May/Walsh. Elaine Youngs has single handedly messed up all of the partnerships. Mason is a highly ranked player and deserves a good partner.

Here are some thoughts for her.

The Linquists (Tracey or Katie) did surprisingly well against McPeak and Branagh this last weekend. This would mean breaking up a very close sister partnership. Both of the two 5’7” sisters could benefit with partnering up with someone with height.

Angie Akers - Angie has always been a powerful force to reckon with has a history of not being able to close the deal.

Suzanne Stonebarger- An up and comer showing a lot of potential.

Tammy Leibl or Denise DeNecochea gave an impressive 2 game spanking to EY and Mason over the weekend. They would both be great with Mason, however after this weekend a break up between the too seems unlikely. As the last week has shown, strangers things have happened.

The only thing I can guarantee is that the early matches over the next few weeks are gonna the most competitive in Women’s AVP Action. Get ready for the slugfest.

For you New Yorkers… get over the Yankees… it’s gonna be a awesome on Coney Island this weekend.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Ice on Manhattan

On my way to the AVP Manhattan Beach open, I stopped at Shellback’s Tavern. The Ultra Festive Peanut Butter Jelly People were in one corner noshing on a breakfast of fried what not and vodka shots.

They have added some new gals to the clan and there alterations to the PBJ uniform were indeed a pleasant surprise. Rosie’s Raider’s, ever sullen, were on the other side of the beach front tavern (“a proper bar,” as my friend Greg would say) grumbling profanities about the bartender and sucking down Budweiser’s. All was right for 10:00 on a Friday morning. Even the bartender was wearing wearing a “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” t-shirt.

But all was not right. There has been an ice storm spread over the the jovial sport of Pro-Beach Volleyball. After I down a quick one I ran smack dab into it. There on court two was Rachel Wacholder with new partner Jenn Boss.

Rachel and Elaine Youngs split surprisingly this week. As I mentioned before, it didn’t make sense. Still trying to figure it out. Jolted lesbian fantasies have been on my mind. My girlfriend has set me straight.

She tells me it is a figment of my over-hormoned mind. But what does she know about sports?

Also in attendance was the new coach , who’s name I don’t know.

An older scallywag of a man, he seems like the perfect gentleman to swap stories with at the PoopDeck in Hermosa.

He looks like the veteran pro-beach volleyball player with one good play left in him. Rache and the Boss haven’t quite found their click yet. They won in two tight matches against Logan Tom and Brooke (formerly Niles) Hanson. You may remember Logan from her Olympian FHM Spread.

Prior to the game, I ran directly into Nancy Mason, Elaine Young’s new partner. I apologized and like the ex-boyfriend no one wants to talk to, I sheepishly make my way to a comfortable spot on the beach. Nancy is wearing a Frank’s Red Hot’s Visor. That’s Rachel’s old sponsor. I got cross.

It was then that Nancy and EY start doing drills in the Crocs’ Court.. usually reserved for children. Then the power play-- EY and Mason start drilling in the court right next to the game. Almost as if to say “You want to see skills? WE GOT SKILLS!!” Yes that is the THIN WHITE BEAST behind them.

At this point, I am thinking I am over-imagining everything. Look everyone loves a feud. We all know that it doesn’t make sense to break up that team up at this point in the season.

Rache and the Boss take down Tom/ Niles-Hanson in two. Rache and the Boss go back to their coach area and start talking to him. EY and Mason take the court and this is where the Ice Storm begins. There are no handshakes, there is no eye contact. The scent of Black Licorice is in the air. It might not be what I thought it was, but it smells of fued, the nonsensical type of feud-- Which my girlfriend does know about.

In the coach’s corner there is some conversation, the players dress themselves in sarongs and move to the big board. And Rachel seems alone. I wanted to talk to her, but as a 37 year old man… that would be creepy. At my age and wearing a brace there is a thin line between enthusiastic fan and fucking creepy guy. It was compounded by Liz Masayakan’s (EY/RW coach’s) appearance. Apparently, Liz has taken sides…

On the flip side, the Linquisdt sisters gave EY and Mason a run for there money. I love this sister team. They took them to four or five match points in Game 2. I have a hard time telling them apart so forgive me if I screw up the details.

Nancy Mason bolted a far shot in one of the match points. Katie L. ran KrazEE and dove after it bolting a shot skyward. Her sister Tracy, nearly out -of-bounds and with only one hit to get it over the net plays slugger and jolts the ball off of her wrist (Kirk Gibson style) to get it over the
net. F-ing brilliant. I’ve been saying it for years, these two sisters are DUE!

There was also a turn in fandom. The crown clearly favored the Linquisdt sisters over EY and Mason. AVP fans tend to prefer the underdog. Kerri Walsh was right behind me during the match. Even one of the best players in the game wants to know what’s up. EY and Mason came off as bullies. Even after the sisters lost there was a big hand for the two. For short girls, they play tough. We like that.

So here is the deal. Tomorrow, roughly 8:30 or 9:00 am… Rache and the Boss face off with EY and Mason. Unless there is some kind of weirdo upset, this could possibly be one of the greatest AVP matchups of all time. I know it’s early for Saturday. But show up.

The four of them will.

Update: AW CRAP! They both got knocked down to the losers’s (oh wait CONTENDER’S ) … Everyone is gonna be ultra pissed off in the morn….

It’s time to get your war on!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

She's Back!

Man I guess she is really serious about this.

Mary Carey is trying to get on the ballot for this November's Election. Check out her new Platform.

Hannity Sucks ASS!

What could be on the back of the Ned Lamont Sign?

Here's a Hint....

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

What happened?

What happened?

You want shocking, I’ll give you shocking.

Nope has nothing to do with Joe Leiberman, Mel Gibson or even Britney.

One of the greatest sports franchises has split up. The winning combination of Elaine Youngs and Rachel Wacholder have gone splitsville.

There was no reason given for the split. They have done well beating the seemingly unstoppable Kerri Walsh and Misty May twice this year. Elaine Youngs will be matching herself up with Nancy Mason and Rachel will be teaming up with Jen Boss.

The pairings make sense. They are all fierce players. However there is one weird unwritten rule about women’s beach volleyball



Elaineyoungs RachelWacholderFIVB.jpg

See a pattern? One Blonde, One Brunette. I am not aware of any redheads in the sports.
I think it has something to do with skin cancer. There are only three teams I can think of that break this rule.

Even odder is the timing of this split. EY and Rachel vs. Kerri and Misty have been the Yankees and the Red Sox of women’s sports. 9 out of 10 times it is a fantastic matchup. With the Grandaddy of them all, the Manhattan Beach Open this weekend and the next tourney being Boulder (both EY and RW get a lot of support from their hometown crowds) the timing seems weird. There is something suspicious going on here.

There is something going on here. Something more than “we need to do something different”.

And what becomes of their coach Liz Masakayan , perhaps the most talented coach in women’s sports? The three of them together are the most awesome, tenatious Chinese Fighting fish combination I could think of.

No disrespect to Boss and Mason, but these new teams are not gonna click. EY and Rachel I would not sit next to each other at a dinner party. Rachel has speed. EY is is a fierce dominator. As the years have gone one it's obvious they have taken on a lot of each others qualities. On paper they don’t make sense. On the beach, they do.

None of it makes sense. What could have happened?

Monday, August 07, 2006

Manhattan Beach Open!

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Sunday, August 06, 2006


Okay so I don't do Britney news. BUT.

I find it funny that the movie that Britney wants to go see is SPUN. Regardless that this is terrible pretentious look at people who do WAY too much meth. It is shot at the world famous STARGARDEN... which is right down the street from my house. In fact, there are many scenes in this movie that are shot in and around my neighborhood.

So I guess it confirms... Britney is Valley Trash too!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Are you in it?

So... here's the deal...

I posted a certain video of self importance recently (see below). And I got some flack.

They didn't post their comments; they emailed me at

Hurtful emails.... "I shouldn't take N.O. so lightly"... "Im a bitch" yada yada

Officially, This is the only cause I am for...


This and stem cell research.


Your crippled crackpot consierge (shit, I hate alliteration it like when a guy makes a you tube video on new superheroes... so easy)

Gives the mic to Giles Weaver.


Lee Salem is the President of Universal Press Syndicate. They distribute Ann Coulter’s hateful columns. Mr. Salem wants to preserve his profit margin so badly that he even penned a defense of Coulter in response to a critical article of her at Editor & Publisher (which can be read here: So, who is the more disgusting human being: Lee Salem, the man in charge of pimping out her hateful and absurd rhetoric, or the pathetic mean-spirited Ann Coulter herself? I say that both of them are equally responsible for lowering the discourse in this country to venomous and inaccurate attacks on anything and everything. Coulter is the embodiment of the shallow, embarrassing, and futile direction the conservative movement has taken this country, and men like Lee Salem, and their never ending quest to make a buck, enable this treacherous moron to continue to hold up intolerance and idiocy as a virtue. It is impossible to counter people like this with silly things like facts, historical perspective, and common human decency. I wonder if Lee Salem would be defending Coulter if he were the target of her calls for execution? My answer is NO, because in the end, Mr. Salem is the worst kind of coward. Why don’t you ask him?

Lee Salem:

And remember – be as nasty, crude, mean, and brainless as you can. I’m sure he won’t care because that’s how this jackass makes his money. Ask him if he has any 14 year-old daughters that our Marines can “get to know?” Tell him you know where he lives (since the right wing bloggers are posting NY Times writers addresses on the internet and he is their defender I think that’s called ‘”parity”). Ask him if he believes the editors of The Wall Street Journal should be executed as well? Ask him why the government hasn’t filed charges if they’ve done anything illegal, and if they haven’t, why does he let Coulter call for the death of fellow American citizens? Tell him nobody in his family is safe. Let’s see how fast he changes his mind when I crank out one article every single day calling for his immediate and swift death by firing squad.

If anyone out there has any respect for the “mainstream media” anymore, then you don’t even deserve to live here. Ann Coulter and Lee Salem certainly don’t.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Hunka Hunka Hunka steaming

Does this rank as one of the most self important moments ever?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Old Letterman Show.

A CPP writer recently put David Letterman in one of his RAD PEOPLE of all time piece.

Would Stewart or Colbert welcome this freak....?

The Old Letterman show was something special.

Daddy... why are the Pogues so boring?

Michael Brown in Playboy.

Now as it is with my most jobs. You're boss probably blames you fora lot of stuff that his fault.
And stuff that's your fault as well.

My recent temporary unempl0yment is a testament to that.

So it's fun for the common man to hear Michael Brown say these words in upcoming Playboy.

Via Raw Story:

Still, Brown saves his harshest words for Congressman Taylor, who accused Brown of being disconnected from the realities of the disaster. "For that little twerp to claim I didn't understand death and suffering," Playboy is set to publish, "he can just bite me, for all I care."

And now because I am talking about Playboy, it also give me a shameless opportunity to attract new readers by showing this picture of Pam Anderson and titling it as I like.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Where the hell is Crackpot?

Well the truth is I broke my collarbone a few moths ago and as a diabetic, the road to recovery is long. I will continue to be in a harness/brace thing for a few more months. No, I don't look like Joan Cusack in 16 CANDLES.

Compounding this has been a brutal gig which involves a great deal of typing. With the injury,
this has left me typeless by the end of the day.

However! I quit this gig and am entering the freelance lifestyle! Ah working from home with my own hours.... so CPP Blog will rise again...

And it will be coming soon!

and there is some great new stuff on the main site!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

And now... feeling MO betta

You feel better already.

Say what ya want about Michael Jackson.

Don't fuck with the Jackson 5!

You feel better already....

You're welcome.

Friday, July 21, 2006

From the American Diabetes Association

"This is a memorable day for Americans with diabetes and other debilitating diseases, and we thank the bipartisan group of Senators who voted to allow scientists to pursue the most promising avenue to find a cure and better treatments for diabetes. Unfortunately, today's sense of hope will be shattered for the 20.8 million American children and adults with diabetes -- and those who love and care for them -- if President Bush vetoes this legislation.

"A veto -- his first ever -- would be a devastating setback for Americans who are affected by diabetes and other debilitating diseases. The President has a responsibility to the 70% of Americans who support embryonic stem cell research. This is a historic opportunity to advance scientific research and it shouldn't be squandered," Smith said.

Diabetes is one of the nation's most prevalent, debilitating and costly diseases. Nearly 21 million American children and adults have diabetes, up from 18 million when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention last measured diabetes prevalence in 2003. If present trends continue, one in three Americans, and one in two minorities, born in 2000 will develop diabetes in their lifetime. The cost of diabetes in the U.S. in 2002 was at least $132 billion.

The American Diabetes Association is the nation's leading voluntary health organization supporting diabetes research, information and advocacy. The Association's advocacy efforts include helping to combat discrimination against people with diabetes; advocating for the increase of federal diabetes research and programs; and improved access to, and quality of, healthcare for people with diabetes. The Association's mission is to prevent and cure diabetes and to improve the lives of all people affected by diabetes. Founded in 1940, the Association provides service to hundreds of communities across the country. For more information please call the American Diabetes Association at 1-800-DIABETES (1-800-342-2383) or visit Information from both these sources is available in English and Spanish.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

How a real tough guy talks.

"I have no fans. You know what I got? Customers. And customers are your friends."

"Those big-shot writers could never dig the fact that there are more salted peanuts consumed than caviar."

(On Mike Hammer) "See, heroes never die. John Wayne isn't dead, Elvis isn't dead. Otherwise you don't have a hero. You can't kill a hero. That's why I never let him get older. "

"Hemingway hated me. I outsell him and he was steamed. One day he wrote a story for Bluebook berating me. So I'm going on a big TV show in Chicago and I don't get it, that's sour grapes... I mean if you can't say something nice about someone why say anything at all? "

"Hemingway hated me. I sold 200 million books, and he didn't. Of course most of mine sold for 25 cents, but still... you look at all this stuff with a grain of salt. "

-Mickey Spillane

Monday, July 17, 2006

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I quit my mutherfuckin job.

Okay many of you may remember I took another job some four months ago.

It turned out to be a gig that was so Evil Dilbert, that I couldn't even look myself in the mirror at the end of the day.

I had high hopes for this gig. On Monday and Tuesday, things were really clicking. I had my best week since joining up. I was making people money. Then my boss calls me in to give me an hour long ass kicking from 5:45 to 6:45. I don't know what kind of heat he is under, I get that. But don't take it out on me. On my best week. I was going to walk during the "meeting" but I got scared about not having health benefits.

I gave notice on Thursday.

I'm not a pussy. I have had some rough gigs. My resume reads like a who's who of ass kickers.

I worked for Michael Jackson's Publicist, the first time the little boy thing came around. He threw staplers at me. Until I told him he threw like a girl.

I replaced the guy at Columbia who left to write and direct SWIMMING WITH SHARKS.
(Ya know SHUT UP, LISTEN AND LEARN). I worked for one of the guys who the movie is based on. I got to talk to Han Solo daily...

There was one guy I worked for who is a notorious Zen Ass Kicker..Big Producer now.
His hazing was to give you a karate kick to the face... his shoe an inch away from your nose, he wanted to see if you would flinch. Of the ass kickers, I liked him the most.

But nothing like these folks. A grind that would haunt me to midnite every night. Asskicking upon asskicking from a bunch of F-listers.

I am looking into jobs at the library.

I think working at the library would be fun.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

T-Shirt Contest!

What the hell is this?

I see this commercial all the time....Winner gets a Crackpot Press T-Shirt!

Winner decided by me.

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT DO? And what happens if you put it on your nipples? I'm curious.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Fifth of July

Hope everyone had a good ole time on the Fourth. I spent the evening at a small town picnic and fireworks display. I ate these chocolate cookies with red white and blue frosting. While I am diabetic, these particular cookies were labeled as "Patriotic!" so I just did some extra insulin to do my part on fighting the war on terror.

I took out each cookie, one by one.

They had it coming.

Look folks, I know about all this Kim Jon shit has everyone all rattled up, so go on over to the main site ( for all the facts on Kim Jon.

Short people... they always crack sooner or later.

In any case if you want to see a story about something else, check out this bit about a bear going all Dukes of Hazzard on the Fourth of July.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Ah, to Condescend in June.

The worst kind of Photo OP.

The first thing that sprung to my head were the words that ended every "X-Files" episode.


Saturday, June 24, 2006


Why is it when I post a video, I can never edit the entry...

Hat tip to: The Humanity Critic

And now some words from Mark Cuban.

I like Mark Cuban.

Mark is one of the few Pro Owners where passion drives his life.

He wrote this piece which is some great thought regardless if you are a millionaire or have been looking for that place in life where you fit.

Check it out.

Friday, June 23, 2006

This is not a Video Blog

But with the broken collar bone, I found a great new thing. When you are diabetic... it takes twice as long to heal.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA on me.

So writing time is limited. But here is an interview George Bush would never do...

Ladies and Gentleman---

Al Gore meets MOS DEF!

Get this video and more at

Hat tip to: The Humanity Critic

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Hope is Emo.

The worst kind of Bigotry

I was furious when I saw this.

Is there anyone else out there who has faced this kind of discrimination?

Feel free to email me at

Don't hate because I'm beautiful.


Sunday, June 04, 2006

Jesus is my Clean Up Man.

For those of you left wing crackpots who "tune out when I talk about sports," (ahem, Helen Wheels) stick with it, I'm going somewhere with this.

One of the reasons it took so long for the Red Sox to win the World Championship is not just because of the "The Curse" but because of Boston's terrible record on integrating the sport. As with the Celtics, Boston was a decade behind on enlisting people of color into their ranks. When they did win, ironically, they won with the Bible Thumper Curt Schilling leading the charge.

Now I am not gonna go into "people of color are better players" thing. Statistically if you limit your team to a small pond of talent, when everyone else gets to chose from an ocean-- you are limiting the talent available to you. It's bad team management. You want to choose from the biggest pool of talent out there.

Now the Colorado Rockies are going public with their preference of "selecting players who have accepted Jesus Christ as their saviour." These people are prefered on the home team of Adolph Coors Field.

This can't be completely philosophical. There is only one NCAA College Football team with a major network deal. Every week, millions tune in to watch Notre Dame. Could it be that Colorado is phishing for the same thing? Ticket sales and beer aren't enough to sustain a franchise. Especially a small market team like the Rockies.

In any case here are some folks that wouldn't cut it at Adolph Coors Field. I start with the Future Hall of Famers.

Helen, the two unlabled ones are Sandy Koufax and Hank Greenberg. I HIGHLY recommend the documentary "The Life and Times of Hank Greenburg." As a Jew playing in the times he did, little is known about him.

He was a hell of a ball player.

Oh, and there is Billy Beane

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Crackpot Press Voting Guide

I have done my research as this election in California approaches.

In fact, my friend and fellow lefty Kate, has her own thoughts on it.

It's a great piece on the "amount of friends" each of the folks on their myspace pages. I am on the other side of the spectrum as far as endorsements go.

The radio ads for all the candidates, as can be expected, are going more
negative as the election approaches. FOr the first time, Dems are getting called on for being Bush/Enron lapdogs.

I think all of these candidates have some great experience. I think they are all pretty qualified.

However, there are a few things that are sticking in my craw.

Once you get to the big game, you got nothing. You need creative out of the box thinking.

So the Crackpot Press is endorsing STEVE WESTLEY for governor. I really like the fact that he is a big environmetalist and that he was one of the reasons E-Bay has done so well. E-Bay could have failed as easily as and E-Toys. Sure he tooks some kickbacks from Barnes and Noble. Phil Angelides did nothing about Enron. This former treasurer just watched as California saw billions escape. I think Phil Angelides returns us to a Gray Davis mentaility. I don't think there should have been a recall election. But Gray Davis was one of the worst governors California has had... I'm not sure if he was worse than Pete Wilson. Also of all the candidates, Westley inspires me... actually makes me feel like California could move forward. Innovative thinking is refreshing.

I am also supporting Jon Garamendi over Jackie Speier. Again Jackie is an Enron Democrat and it is time for California to rid of ALL of those folks. This is a vote against Jackie Speier.

I realize that I am breaking all ranks with Babs and Di on this, but they are looking out for their best interests.

And here in Studio City, I am voting against Rep. Berman.. why? He votes with the Republicans on most War related issues. I am endorsing Chuck Coleman. Here is some more info on him here

Also, like most Congressmen, Berman hasn't done anything that I am aware of on the gas price front,the war and also let Enron walk all over the State of California.

I think everyone agrees the Democratic Party needs some new blood... this is my solution.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Win a Free Dinner at the Olive Garden.

I got a banner that said "Win a Free Dinner at the Olive Garden!"

Then you click on a "Yes" or "No" Question..

"Is Bush a Good leader?" This is usually an easy answer.

Then thoughts start swirling....

Okay... "Free Dinner" is a good thing..Olive Garden or not

I've never been to the Olive Garden. Is it any good? What market are they plying to answer the question?

Olive Garden (according to "Old School") is a fabulous meal. Married couples love it... they clean up after the kids... Priceless.

I'm not quite a married couple, yet not quite a single man.. How important is the free meal...

CPG has been out of town for quite some time now.

Fabulous meal I don't have to make... I have a broken collarbone. I have been living off of things you don't have to "lift"or "spread"... Goddammit I WANT MY FREE FABULOUS MEAL!!!

Family resturant... I want to say yes. "Yes" will get me the free fabulous meal.

It is a moment of selling out.

I finally click on "YES"


Yes Bush is is good leader!!!!

But then I have to go through all these steps and refer friends and realize...

I'm tired...

I should have just clicked no.

More Stouffer's for me.

Aw Crap! Now with Razzle Dazzle!

The other day a bunch of us were sitting around talking about how Broadway/Theater Snobs should really just eat a large bowl of "shut the fuck up."

Their Superiorness ("Oh Hollywood, is making another sequel again"); their
love of their "real art".

We sat around trying to think of a recent "new project" that Broadway has put out. Sure "The Black Ryder" looks interesting, but guess what? Broadway has also put out the Umpeeth "Limited Last Tour" of "Les Mis."

It's a quick buck... they paid for the sets and the costumes already, so let's do it again.
Yes, the intellectual snobs are driven by money as well. And they charge $150 a pop.

With the exception of "Wicked," all we could think of were the Remakes of "Sweeney Todd" and "Hairspray" and "The Producers." Mostly, MOVIE remakes.

And now these snobs have made a musical based on a FUCKING ADAM SANDLER MOVIE.

Gershwin, Porter, Even the guy that made RENT... they are all turning are turning in their fricking graves...

If you are gonna be a snob... back it up!

Monday, May 29, 2006

Kommando's Project in full swing

Check out some great weekend pictures of the Kommando Project.

Storming L.A.

The Crackpot Press Corps tackled Erhwan's Health Food Store; Then "The Grove." the Farmer's Market, the Whisper Lounge, a Starbucks and a Mobil Station, the mailboxes at my apartment complex on Saturday. But alas there was no camera...

Today, there are some more to be added... with pictures... it's a little "Where's Waldo?" but the Crackpot Press Corp is on duty! Not pictured was a deployment of a radio commander in the Toby Keith Section of Ameoba Records.

One infantry man had a terrible assignment... the rocks are out a fouintain just around the corner from this movie theater. Sgt. Camo is hiding in the red circle

This next bit is me being Ironic.

And the first rule of war? Take the Media Centers!

Friday, May 26, 2006

HYollywood Spreads Major MisInformation on Diabetes

So tonight I am preparing the Crackpot Press Corp,

I figure I will rent a flick to pass the time while I work on my Army Men. It's been a rough week at work, so I need something without preaching, something brain dead, something not too stimulating.

I like Jennifer Aninston, I want her to be much better than she really is. I think she is fun.

So I get DERAILED, which so far (I've only watched about a half hour) is a a thriller about a guy who has it all except his daughter is diabetic and it's tearing his family apart. They buy a machine to watch her condition. He faxes a bood glucose report to the doctors.

As a type-1 diabetic, I know much more about the subject matter than the average screenwriter. These guys are over-hyping idiots. I have girlfriend and a mother, who don't quite "get" the disease. While it's scary for them, it's NOTHING like what is depicted in this flick.

It's one-a those things you will never get till you have it.

And yet, the fat bastards at Miramax (who will know diabetes sooner or later) put out all this fake crap about diabetes.

#1 Clive Owen (who?) faxes a Blood Glucose Report to the doctor's. I freeze framed the report , numbers are low. Regularly in the 70's. We are shooting for a hundred here. Even the stupidest doctor would be able to see she is over-medicated. Reduce her morning shot by five to units, depending on daily activity, should do the trick.

#2 Clive Owens talks about her having Type-1 Diabetes: THE WORST KIND. There are only two kinds of diabetes. Not 300 . Don't get uber dramatic.

#3 Clive Owens mentions three kidney transplants. "Her body rejected them all" While the kidneys can eventually be damaged, The failure of the PANCREAS is what causes diabtetes.

#4 There is a scene where the daughter goes into a seizure, which can happen if your blood sugar gets too low. So they give her a shot of what looks like insulin. WRONG! That would kill a diabetic. What she needs is a coke. CPG has noticed me shaking in the middle of the night and has brought me juice. That works. She isn't a someone who has lived with it for a long time. She is just sensible.

This is a movie about fright. About scaring folks. While diabetes is no picnic, it can be managed. Not since Birth Of Nation, has one flick produced so much misinformation.

Will these people just shut up and do what they get paid to do?

Which would be "getting nekkid"

Monday, May 22, 2006

To Feel Like a Man.

Over the weekend in Santa Barbara, I picked up the local paper. To be fair there was a story about the tournament going and something about Guantamo. But THIS was the lead off story:

Ugly Dog Contest ROCKED by Voting Scandal!

The Santa Barbara Independent requires PAID membership... Fuck that. Here's an equally disturbing blog that has the story.

I didn't have the heart tyo put up the Ugly Dog photo. So here is one of the Cuervo Girls.

Apparantly, there have been people hacking the electronic voting for the Ugly Dog contest in order to fix the winner. Amazing what lengths people will do to win an Ugly Dog contest. Imagine if it was a vote for say.... something important.

This led to series of memorable quotes of the weekend.

It's good to have a guy's weekend. A bunch of mid to late thirties men staying in college town.

Men attempting to cut loose from all the responsibilties of being a man in the year 2006.

It took almost no effort.

Here are some quotes from the weekend (if you don't understand them. that's your problem)

"I need to get back to hotel. I forgot my windbreaker and my watermelon"
"That'll cost eight dollars and beach towel"
"That was a Bukowski fart"
"Don't sweat it. I cut a hole in the mattress"
"Cuervo Girl adjacent"
"Does 'non smoking room' mean bat hits are out?"
"You can tell how old those guys are... look at the women they're with"
"Are you implying I was sodomized last night?"
"You you really should have asked about the ether"
"I need your wristband" and "Buy me a Heineken"
"I'll pay you Sixty Dollars to sleep on the floor" (offer was accepted)
"Can I get some effort here? Can you at least ask my name?"
"The guy from "A Few Dollars More" (on t.v.) is laughing at you" (Editor's Note: He was)
"Peanut Butter Jelly. Peanut Butter Jelly. Umph. Umph. Umph. Umph.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

A last note.

The whole AVP event went really well. Leading up the event I wondered if there was a way I could make some cash off of this. Get a better gig? Make some cash? Do it regularly?

Doesn't matter.. we pulled it off and I got to spend some great quality time with the boys... which I just don't get to do often enough. Life gets busy. Everyone I know is on pretty much on a 24-7 work cycle all the time. They have their job and then we have life.

Anyways you can check out the whole shebang here