Monday, June 23, 2008

Memo to George Carlin

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Friday Afternoon F---koff

Friday afternoon is prime goof-off time at any work place. You check your Facebook and MySpace. You make final arrangements for your weekend pet projects. You can make a Youtube video bashing your co-workers and then broadcast it on Cspan.


Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich), did just that. Because the party who promises "unity" actually used the House Floor to promote division in the workplace and in Congress. Armed with a ruler and some charts he rips off an Ann Coulter bit "What Democrats Really Mean." Without half of the wit.

Now can you imagine if a Dem started defining the Republican like this? It would be everywhere... and yet this has seemed to slip on by.

While the Rep could use a a master's class in Stand-up from even the folks at Comedy Traffic School, there were two things that really stuck in craw.

He says when Dems say change we mean "The 70's." I guess that's a jab at Jimmy Carter. Has he forgotten that decade was controlled by the Republicans 60% of the time. The big Jimmy Carter fouls were the Iranian Hostage situation and the oil crunch. Has he forgotten what happened from 1970 to 1976?

I can't defend the hostage situation, but the oil prices today are so out of control.. perhaps a little 70's oil rationing is in order. Prices might go down just a bit. And Repubs created that problem.. Jimmy just had to solve it.

Now sure I could go into some easy reversal bits... like

"Morality" means deception, hate, and unnecessary violence
"Low Approval Ratings" means "No one understands me"

But just those two already make me feel uncomfortably Foxworthy.

But the other thing is "Ehy the hell are you broadcasting the fact that you are screwing off at work on a Friday afternoon? Wasting my money, not working for me?"

Just go back to your office and hide it...

like I do.

Hat Tip: Gawker folks

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

So The Question Was...

I write for this other website in addition to Crackpot Press.

The posed the following question:

What is the most egregious entry/oversight from AFI’s top genre film list?

The former San Francisco film student and bong team captain came out. Enjoy!

Dave: There are plenty of snubs.

Top Animation: “The Wall,” “Heavy Metal” and/or “American Pop”…the AFI continues to suck some serious Disney Cock. Also “Yellow Submarine” beats out most of these.

Top Western: “The Magnificent 7” and any early Clint Eastwood tops “Unforgiven.” Any western with the abbreviation “Mrs.” in the title should be immediately disqualified.

Top Romantic Comedy: “Sleepless in Seattle”… enough with the Nora Ephron girlie claptrap! “Lost in Translation” and “Heaven Can Wait” are my kind of romantic comedies.

Top Sports: As usual, the AFI continues to ignore the Walter Matthau version of the “Bad News Bears.” I blame Tatum O’Neal. “Caddyshack” is in sports? C’mon.
Top Fantasy: Again, “Field of Dreams” is a piece of crap and belongs on no list that includes the word “Best.” Their definition of fantasy seems to be “alternate universes”, so I think “Dr. Strangelove” would have been a great substitution. I do respect the “Groundhog Day” inclusion.

Top Sci-Fi—One word “VIDEODROME.”

Top Epic: “Titanic” isn’t an epic, it’s just long. “Dr. Zhivago” or “Ghandi” should have made the list. Has anyone seen “Titanic” on TV lately, the blue screen doesn’t hold up. David Lean didn’t need no special effects. Let's kill some fuckin' horses! Saw “Reds” again recently-- brilliant.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Hollywood is full of weird folks

So I just moved to spacious one-bedroom in the heart of "Glamorous" Hollywood, Ca.

I like the fact that I am walking distance to grocery stores, farmer's markets, the Chinese Theater and some bars that are somehow still surviving off of the fact that Bukowski drank there. With all the tourist attractions, I am surprised I rarely see a tourist. The locals are far stranger.

In front of the Chinese theater in the last couple of years folks have started to dress in poorly made "Hollywood Icon" costumes in attempt to hustle a few bucks from Iowan rubes.

This kind of sums it up.

If you live in the general LA news cycle.. you already know Elmo is trouble. I once saw him just after midnight in fight with some guy. Elmo was on top of him beating him with his furry red head.

I realize that these folks like to park on my street and hang out before their tribute performances.

The other day Elmo was sitting in his car in full costume sans head. It was resting on the top of his car. Elmo was torching up a spliff.

Another time I came out of my garage to see perfect buttocks leaning into their car in black spandex. If I was 16 I would have gotten wood. The spandex clad beauty flipped back and shook dark brown locks. This is when I realized it was the dude who played Darth Vader.

But today I spotted a tourist on the way to the Fresh and Easy Market. She was mid 40's curly, dirty blond curls and flabby. She was wearing those 2008 New Year's Eve fake glasses. The ones that say 2008 and the 00 are the eyeholes. She was just sitting on the sidewalk fondling one of the embossed stars somewhere between "The Simpsons" and "Emilio Estefan." It is sort of the B-List section of the Walk of Fame. The classics i.e "Gregory Peck" or "Fatty Arbuckle" are Hollywood and Vine. The Big Deals "Tom Cruise" and "Harrison Ford" are Hollywood and Orange, near the Chinese Theater. But La Brea and Hollywood is reserved for B-Lister or folks that will never get any respect.

This woman was sitting there, just sort of hand hugging the embossed star. She was weeping. Not the big tears the news like to show as entertainment. But a small weep with an understanding upside down smile. As I passed by I glanced down at the star to see who this woman was so moved by.

It was Deforest Kelly. I just learned that last week marked the nine year anniversary of his death. God bless the supporting actor.

So I know that it's dorky, but some folks mean a lot to people.

These Hollywood Tribute artists need to raise their game.

Oh and if your are planing to come to LA to see the stars... don't come to Hollywood Blvd.

Check out the Rite Aid and 7-11 on the corner of Vineland and Ventura in Studio City.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Poets Don't Know Shit About Music

So I am doing some research for work, attempting to find some poetry sites for a client.

Now this has led to a lot of myspaces pages, that have more than poetry in common.

They all have REALLY crappy taste in music. Usually some kind of Indie verion of Sarah McGlocklyn funeral durge.

I get it. You're deep.

and shit.