Thursday, November 10, 2005

These Punk Kids Today

I am currently watching "The Apprentice." They have to put together a Star Wars display in a Best Buy.

When I was 17 I worked in a video store. In fact, most of the people of my generation that I consider "Geniuses" worked in a video store at some point or another.

How hard is it, really, to put together a DISPLAY IN VIDEO STORE--- FOR STAR WARS!!!!

Except for one of the remaining contestants... they all looked at each other like Star Wars was some obscure french film where aging cousins request butter for no reason. The women were shaking in their Jimmy Choos they wrestled some other bitch for on discount day.

Then I remembered something. On my 30th birthday I resolved that I would not date any woman who was born after the initial release of "Star Wars", 1977. Throughout the remaining 6 years I have held steadfast to this ... as long as you don't confuse "Hanging Out" with "Dating."

These punks kids are young.. they don't know Star Wars.

They don't understand the passion behind Star Wars. They don't know standing in line 10 times to see Star Wars in a Summer. Must have been great for my folks. Need an afternoon off from parenting.. drop the brat off at Star Wars.. he'll just sit there and watch it over and over and over again.. that's like nine hours of free time....take a nap...

And this was before Star Wars became "Geek Culture" When it first came out, it was "I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO FUCKING AWESOME IN THE NINE YEARS OF MY LIFE." It kicked the Astrodome's ass. It was such a pure thing that no filmmaker will ever duplicate... remember, at this point technology was PONG.. it was all done with models. There was so much passion, so much excitement. I'm guessing it's the similar to the a generation of teenage girls who went to go see Titanic over and over and over again. Usually alone.

So how the HELL can 8 so-called smart people not SELL FUCKING STAR WARS.

It's a slam dunk. Put an ad up on craigslist.

I've said this over and over again. What sells is passion. One picture of Princess Leia in the Gold Bikini will get more Gen-X men to buy anything. When that Rolling Stone cover came out... jesus mary and joseph... once again.. something I had never seen before. I think I had a boner that entire summer.

If you don't have passion... fake it, make it up, FIND IT.

Okay so the accountant speaks, here is what I have would have done:

A) Pictures from EVERY STAR WARS movie... This one ties it all together. Gold Bikini is important. You get the new and the retro all in one.
B) Perhaps some sound clips. Scent is the strongest of the senses. Audio is also important. There is no one my age (you know, the guy with wallet) who doesn't get a low vibration somewhere from the abs to the nads when they hear they hear the Star Wars opening anthem. Everytime I hear that... I am nine years old again. Especially if it the words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" proceed it.
C) Get Darth Vader there in person.. I believe he is with the Gersh Agency. 310-274-6611
D) Sell discounted "Empire Strikes Back" DVD's with purchase.
E) Not one of these jagoffs had a light saber present. Pay ten bucks and get one.. pay twenty and get two... then ya got a fight. People like pretty lights and shiny things.
F) More sound clips... If someone hears "deep breathing" they will listen.

I will now leave you with words of Giles Weaver's wife. She went to see Star Wars with him.

She fell for the actor playing Darth Vader. She said "He had me at 'We can rule the Galaxy together'"

If you want to rule... then RULE!


totolehero said...

hey hey hey !!!
i was born in 1980, and i am very very familiar with Star Wars..
c'mon, do not put us all in the same bag !!! that's insulting!!!

Crackpot Press said...

As the years go on I am beginning to think of amending the rule to include those bornup until "Return of the Jedi"

Tina said...

I think I was about 3 when Star Wars came out... about 5 by the time it finally came to cable... and my big sis was just "in love" with Mark Hamill, and I remember checking out Han Solo and thinking: "Luke WHO??? Who eats Alpo when ya can have a fine-ass steak?" Yeh... those early childhood memories so stick with ya.

Crackpot Press said...

I never got Luke, he's kinda gay.

Wait, I mispoke.. the AWESOMENESS was duplicated with a little flick called RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK!