Friday, January 06, 2006

My apartment gods are cocksuckers.

Okay so let's say you find yourself living in a crappy apartment off of Melrose, and some homeless guy breaks in while you are in boxers and hungover on a Saturday at 8:00 am and you fight him off and decide that you are not cool enough for Hollywood anymore and move to Studio City.

Let's say you move to Bluffside Terrace Apartments on Bluffside Drive, right behind the Ralph's on Vineland and Ventura. Right next to the Archstone, a favorite for porn actors and Universal Studio Executive Mistresses and whatever the gay equivilant is. The pool area is a good looking bunch.

Think again!

You have a whole new criminal to deal with.

So my dishwasher is making some noise. A cat in heat being dry humped kinda noise. So I call the fuckers in charge and they say they will fix it. THREE MONTHS later they do.

And Today, I get a bill in the mail for $95. Apparantly there was some glass or some shit in it and so it's my fault. Apparantly the "imbeller" is broken.

My dishwasher is a 24 inch ROPER brand Washing Machine. ROPER BRAND??? What the hell does that mean???

While trying to figure this out, I muse on some of the things the BLUFFSIDE TERRACE APARTMENTS off of Ventura behind the Ralph's has done for me.

I live in a so-called "Security Building" looks like an okay joint.

My next door neighbor, and then Landlord, was bludgeoned to death by two hustlers he met at "Apache's" and promised speed to. I heard the noise but was too tired to get into a fight that night. The police report mentioned "an act of true anger"

My car was broken into two years ago and all my Xmas Presents were stolen. Including a West Wing Fleece blanket at buddy scammed for free from Warner Brothers. Priceless.

My house was broken into after returning my Father's funeral. My cell and home phone were the only things stolen. They also rifled through my CD collection. Apparantly, not big Elvis Costello and Social Distortion Fans.

My Dishwasher says "made for the Roper Corp of Kannakee, Ill." Now I look up the ROPER brand on Google.

Guess what?!? The Roper Corporation of Kannakee, Ill was bought by Whirlpool in 1987....
My guess is that had this dishwasher had it been newer would have said WHIRLPOOL on it.

Considering this dishwasher was built during the Reagan Administration, this is normal wear and tear, right!

Also to buy a new one it's only $200.

What a bunch of cocksuckers.

Editor's Note: This post is in no way meant to discourage anyone from sucking a cock.


Neil Shakespeare said...

"Nightmare on Bluffside Drive", huh? Will there be sequels? Prequels? Sounds dangerous out there. Seriously, that's a bummer. Never trust a dishwasher from Illinois.

Alicia said...

Dude, you're scaring me... I used to live in that apartment complex.

Crackpot Press said...

Did you know Jim , the forementioned apartment manager?

Tina said...

"Never trust a dishwasher from Illinois."...... is this similar to what Jake Blues said to Elwood Blues: "Nazis in Chicago? I hate Illinois Nazis."

"The police report mentioned "an act of true anger"...... yeah, that was REAL top-notch detective work, eh? The guy was BLUDGEONED.

A dishwasher since the Reagan yrs? Sheesh... And I thought it was bad when we bought our home in 2001 and our dishwasher clearly needed replaced and it was purchased by the previous homeowners in 1991.

And of course Crackpot, it goes without saying that sucking cock is never discouraged. In fact, I'm willing to bet you'd happily pass out cock-sucking coupons.

Helen Wheels said...

I'M FROM KANKAKEE! I lived there for 17 years & the parents still do. My best childhood friend's dad worked for Roper, and when Whirlpool took over, Roper closed and he lost his job.

I am not making this up. I was sitting here reading your post, and laughing (you are hilarious) and suddenly I see "Roper." HA!!!!

Oh man, that is my story for the day, alright.

On another note, I live smack dab in the middle of Los Feliz, in the urban area, in a rent-controlled building that is old, so I have a really LOW rent. But I've never been broken into or had anything ever stolen from me.

Maybe it's because I have big dog!