Cash Machine

I am frequently terrified of checking the balance at the Cash Machine.

With four,

no five,

one was hiding

cigarettes left.

Always give the pack a good shake before you come to any jackass conclusions.

Always check your evidence.

I bend my knees, crack my wrist blow in the fist and scream like a low stakes jack praying for craps

for gas cash

to get the fuck off of Fremont St at 4:33 on the morning before New Year’s Eve.

C’mon

C’mon

C’mon

GIMME TWENTY.

GIMME TWENTY

GIMME TWENTY!

It’s a long prayer, please be in there

I stare waiting to hear the churning scream of the tumblers starting to click and

spit it out

Spit out

Spit out.

Please.

Spit out.

Pull it together, stick your finger down your throat and

Spit

It

Out.

CRAPS!

And I count how many days till payday and think of how I can treat myself with what I got left.

I’m still four dollars short of a bottle of Two Buck Chuck.

Damn it!

It's not a happy day for a diabetic.

Dear Friend of Working Assets,Did you know your friends are supporting the radical right?They are if they're long distance customers at Verizon, SBC, BellSouth orQwest. That's because all those companies funnel millions of dollars topolitical action committees dedicated to reversing such fundamental Americanvalues as free speech, equal rights and environmental protection.What can you do? Tell your friends<http://www.workingforchange.com/textlink.cfm?notrkd=y&tcampid=208&redirect=1>

about Working Assets Long Distance.As a member yourself, you know that Working Assets supports the causes youbelieve in. And you know that 1% of your bill goes to nonprofit groupsdedicated to the progressive goals we all share.You also know that with Working Assets you get great rates, crystal-clearcalls and fast, friendly customer service.And, of course, FREE ice cream. Tell your friends<http://www.workingforchange.com/textlink.cfm?notrkd=y&tcampid=208&redirect=1> about Working Assets Long Distance and each time a friend joins, we'llgive you coupons for 6 free pints of delicious Ben & Jerry'sR Ice Cream.Simply click here<http://www.workingforchange.com/textlink.cfm?notrkd=y&tcampid=208&redirect=1> to send an e-mail to your friends.Sincerely,Michael Kieschnick, PresidentWorking Assets

We need bigger legos

Hilary suspects that the reason the rebuild of Louisiana is not a priority with the Bush admin is to drive Dems out of Louisiana...

A White House spokesman, Trent Duffy, rejected Mrs. Clinton's claims that the administration was intentionally foot-dragging on disaster recovery in the Gulf. "It's patently untrue and it's unfortunate she would suggest such a thing," he told The New York Sun yesterday.

Mr. Duffy said Mr. Bush has already directed $85 billion to recovery efforts in the Gulf. "He stands by that commitment just as he did in the rebuilding of New York City after 9/11. I think it might be best if we return to the spirit that brought New York back from the ashes," the spokesman said.

Uh, ANYONE, what exactly did the Bush administration rebuild? I know the people of New York have made some progress....

But I don't know how much credit the Bush Administration had to do with anything in New York.

Here we go again.

Apparantly big bad George is playing the liberation card in Iran.

It's going to be a staple of the SOU address tomorrow. Here's a quote :

And in speaking to the people, my message is this: You know, we're not going to tell you how to live your life, but we would like you to be free. We would like you to be able to express yourselves in the open, so without fear of reprisal. We want you to be able to vote and elect," he said.

Now here is the problem... IRANIANS CAN VOTE!!! They elected a nutjob, just like Americans did.

Can you hear the bombs flying yet?

The Grand Dame

Well looks like big old Bad-Ass George is a-feared of Little Old Ladies as well.

Why Spying is Bad.

The Government wants to looks through your emails, listen your phone and find out what you are searching for the web.

Here is one reason they should not read your emails.

I have confided in many of you that even though (new girlfriend girl) is great for me, she is a Bushie, but I am gonna go with it for now who knows maybe I change her. (Note to Women: Can you ever change them?

This all stemmed for an email conversation while we first seeing each other in October.

I had written something about Texans being liars or the Houston Astros were doomed in the World Series was being played on Enron Field etc. As I tend to do.

Her email response:Actually I like our president. I am not from Texas, I was born in Oklahoma

My email response: Ya know that Bush thing is usually a deal breaker. But letÂ’s see how this works out.


I get internally furious, how could she have hidden this tterrible terrible fact from me. I finally meet someone with potential, who likes Baseball and now she is a REPUBLICAN!!!! One of them? A member of the Rice Squad? A Chimp Sheep? Am I getting into bed with the enemy? Is it time for a blindfold and a last cigarette? Are my phones going to be tapped? Am I gonna have to stop watching the AVP every Sunday Morning at 10:00 am on FSN to go to CHURCH!!! FUCKING CHURCH!!! No, I only pray to Rachel Wacholder. (the Patron Saint of Crackpot Press--The Saint of Golden Calves) . Our perhaps she is just trying to blow me off.

But pretty much every calculated step I have ever taken in every relationship has been wrong. So I decided to go for it (Ala George Costanza), the red and the blue bandanas can fall where they may.

Political talk is kept to minimum. There are lots of other things to talk about. Sure, I watch the Sunday Morning Shows but she usually keeps to herself with the New York Times Crossword Puzzle.

I get a call from her last weekend from Sundance Hey you will never guess who I just met. Here's a hint: YOU voted for him?Meaning AL Gore.

So last night, we are flipping around the channels and I stop for a second to listen to Rummys press conference on CNN. She was bitching about Rumsfeld. I knew she didn't like Him.. So I said "Hey's he's your boy's boy"

Well after hemming and hawing she tells me "How the HELL did you think I like Bush?"

We went through both of our emails and neither of us could find the original.

Apparently, what it was SUPPOSED to say was:


Actually (no I) like our president (COMMA) I am not from Texas, I was born in Oklahoma. (He was born in New England).

So there you go folks, a serious travesty averted.

So that's why certain emails shouldn't be scrutinized.

Let's say you were at Ann Colture's website and it said something like:

"I want to Blow Bush"

At the word "up" in there and you are in serious trouble.

Now with all of that said and all of this nonsense out of the way and understood and now everyone knows that New Girlfriend Girl has only ONCE voted Republican in her life (Guiliani) there is only one questions remaining!

Am I still on "Getting Groovy" restriction?

Rumsfeld MATCH game!

Apologies for the Picture, I am at work on the fly and couldn't readily find one of Rumsfeld. So you get this.

This report comes out on CNN from the Pentago that Troops are "Stretched to the breaking point"

Rumsfeld replies:

Not overextended "They are 'BLANK'"

Guess first, or for the cheaters you can click here.

Via Raw Story: Harry Reid Speech

Harry Reid is giving a speech today.

Okay the deems have blown it again. I've been a registered Dem since the the Dukakis campaign... I remember doing signs for that campaign... now I am not even sure if I spelled his name right. Frankly, I was more impressed when I met Sam Donaldson that year.

But we please get Reid and, for that matter, Pelosi out of leadership positions? Why? They're vanilla, they're bland. Now this speech is good, some nice Orwell references (I guess he has been Reading Agitprop) and a couple of good smackdowns. Here is my problem.

Reid is going to deliver it. This man is so bland and passionless in person that any quality writing will be lost in his murmur. When I flip on the TV I don't get excited. Pelosi same thing, except she has no charm, she comes off as condescending, and there is something about her appearance that drive me nuts... its looks fake like she's had work done or was a Mary Kay Rep. Both of these folks need to take some acting classes or speech classes or smoke some dope or something before delivering. When I see Ken Melhman on TV, I can understand why the right can get fired up. He is simple and he is fiery.

As bloggers we read things, everyone else watches things. On Paper it's great... On TV it's gonna blow and be forgotten immediately after the State of the Union. Which people do watch. Which will be delivered by someone who knows how to deliver a frickin speech with enthusiasm and fire. And again the simple folk will be hoodwinked, the second he says "The State fo the Union is Excellent!" and everyone claps.

Im not saying Reid and Pelosi are bad representatives. But can we get some more camera friendly folks here? Or at least call Queer Eye? Or at least folks who don't look like PTLers?

Jan 22

January 22 was the 33 anniversary of Roe vs. Wade decision.

In his contuning attempts to re-write history W has proclaimed Jan 22 as National Sanctity of Human Life day.

He has no plans on settling the Iraq conflict at this time.

I know Marketing.

So I have been trying to bring more folks into the genius that is Crackpot Press.

This requires Search Engine Marketing. I read through all my keywords.

For some reason these are the highlights

"Burt Convey"
"Rachel Wacholder Nude"
"precious metal financing"
"Clip on man eating loins"
"hymenoptera extermination"
"Italian Facist Gile"
"Wanna Fuck in Modesto?"
"Fuck Dr. Troy"
themes of all my sons, by arthur miller

I need to expand to a broader market. Peoples who buys shit and understand our genius.

In Los Angeles, C. Thomas Howell has a radio show on 97.1. It sucks. I can name 5 people (who are all employed.... in the rhetorical sense by the Crackpot Press) who are funnier and more insightful than this jackass. As Meatloaf said "If I am gonna be damned, then I a gonna be damned.." Fuck C. Thomas Howell. Which if it shows up on my Search Engine Marketing.... we'll know who searching... C. Thomas Howell.

In fact I can name five waiters, bartenders and lawyers who specialize in prempro lawsuit,s who are funnier than this guy.

C. Thomas Howell is not funny and that's insulting. I guess that's why they cram into two hours on a Sunday night.

Fucker... the Crackpot Press Staff is more fun and sure we have crappy haircuts. We are insightful... Our haircuts are not (except for Karen... you look fab.. Mike.. lose the mullet.. Greg and Philip.. what's up with the bowl cut.. how much do you pay for that?") Clooney-esque.

We're better than this jagov.

We dont even need a bong... but donations are always welcome.

Aw Crap!

As most of you know I have been seeing someone new. It's going pretty well. Lots of team spirit going on here. So I am sitting here, getting some work done and look up at my Women of the AVP wall calendar... only to realize something...

Valentine's day is coming up and I will actually have to DO something for it.... (note: Carrie Busch is February)

Due to my somewhat Philandering past, I managed to work out being dateless on Valentine's Day for about ten years. It's a monumental achievement. Except for getting my teeth knockeed out by someone who was a bigger "lonely loser" than I was in 2004.

But this year I will actually have to DO something; Something Dazzling. For Valentine's Day men are on the spot. If you blow it, the last couple of weeks of February can be freezing, even in Los Angeles. I do a quick Google search there are sites for Valentine Flowers, gift baskets and I freeze up when I stumble upon diamond engagement rings. (That one I nixed immediately, It's way too soon to even be checking out that site out... so I go back to AVP site.)

Gift Baskets--- that's a good one. This relationship is new and it's caring (I really like her) but not too over the top, so here is where the pressure comes in. What kind of gift basket? Teddy Bears are too cutsey.. she does have a sweet tooth. The Pressure is building... then it hits me.

It's January... The playoffs are on.. why I am sweatin this?

Aw Crap. I'm sweatin this.

Okay folks it's your Big Chance!

Win a chance to debate Bill O'Reilly

Yes you can have a chance to get set up and sat down with Big Bad Bill.

This is is the biggest setup ever, they are going to get some boob, with some left wing spurting website to come on the show and look like and idiot.

I better start working on my talking points.

Jill Carroll

I was raised in a devout Christian Scientist home and went to a pretty strict Christian Scientist Boarding School. The Christian Science Monitor was the first newspaper I ever read regularly.

Being a member of a small, (dare I say) "minority" religion (as opposed to Catholics, Jews, Mormoms, Baptists, Jehovah's Witness's and Scientologists) can really put a target on you. The Catholics were the worst when I was growing up. Sure, I have never been beaten for it or had my house burned down, and since no real violence has ever been perpetrated on Christian Scientists, most folks have absolutely no problem attacking the believers. I have been Chiara Oscuro GRILLED by members of other religions till the wee hours of the morning about the faith I was raised in. Sure, that whole "not going to doctors" thing is odd to most folks, but I have seen Christian Science work. I have also seen it fail. How perfect is your religion? Does anyone recall the name of Jesus's doctor?

No matter what you consider your faith or your principles they will be put to the test one day and you can go "all in;" which can mean losing all of your chips.

I am not a practicing Christian Scientist and have even mocked them myself. Shit, Jackie Mason made a career mocking his religion. I do subscribe to many of their philosophies, it is an unerasable part of me. Whether I agree with them on everything or not is not the the point. They are my people and I will always defend their right to practice as they wish to practice.

There is a Christian Science college as well in Elsah, Illinois. While the rules of Christian Science are expected to be upheld... It's a walk in the park compared to Oral Roberts University.

Some facts about Christian Science:

1.) Christian Scientists have never waged war in the name of Christian Science.
2.) Christian Science is one of three major religions founded in America; to my knowledge the only one founded by a woman. At the time it was founded, this woman was considered VERY
progressive. While Mary Baker Eddy was never directly involved in the suffragette movement, her work would never have been created without the suffragettes. I believe her work had a direct influence on those who did.
3.) Christian Scientists have no official "party line" on homosexuality. It's never mentioned. Not once. However, they do believe that sex should only take place within marriage. From the younger Christian Scientists I know it is now more of a "guideline." The older ones are more tolerant as the years go by. Well, as tolerant as a parent can get anyways.
4.) The Christian Science Monitor is a pretty straight forward newspaper in the classic journalistic sense and is considered one the best newspapers in the world. There are religious editorials. There are op-ed opinions. And the editoralizing is where is belongs... near the back of the paper... not on the front page. You ain't getting that in any newspaper that bears the Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Mormon.. etc by-line.
5.) There is no hell. There is no sin. There are no "holy" people. Jesus was just a man, all of us can rise to his occasion. If God made humans in his image, all humans are the offspring of God. For most of us, it just takes a lot of work to be as accomplished as our know-it-all show off older brother.

From what I have seen, until today there has been very little coverage of the Jill Carroll abduction in Iraq. I can't help but think it is because half the nation "tunes out" when the word "Christian" is used and the other half tune out when the word "Science" is used. Unlike Fox News, The Christian Science Monitor employs writers that are talented, regardless of who they pray too. I guess I could have just written "the Christian Science Monitor only employs talented writers."

Personally I have been trying to find out if Jill Carroll is one of "my people," did she attend the same boarding school I went too? Did she have her first kiss on "the lawn" after a dance? Did she watch the football games? Did she eat a cafeteria diet of MidWestern "you want some more fat with your fat"? I can't find any bio information on her. I can't even find a photo other than "the hostage" photo. And I won't print that.

I don't know, I don't care. Jill Carroll is a person and regardless is "one of my people." She may even be on my team. She is in trouble, and she needs help. I like helping people. If a friend that I haven't spoken to in ten years needs a hand, I will lend it. Regardless of how we left it. No questions asked. In this case, I just wish I could help out. I haven't felt this way about the other hostages that have been taken and flaunted on Al-Jazerra. From now on, I think I will.

I know it doesn't look good for Jill. But what I have been able find out is that she loves people and loves writing. The Marines "never leave a man behind." Let's stop leaving people behind.

Here are a couple of articles she has written.

Mourning Marla (From the Christian Science Monitor via AlterNet)
Letter from from Baghdad: What a Way to Make a Living (From the American Journalism Review)

Good night, Good Luck and God Bless,

CP

When you're hot, you're hot.

I went 0 and 4 on my football picks this weekend. I suck. You don't do that during the playoffs.

And one Giles Weaver is probably full of gloat and bong loads somewhere.

Just so people don't think I am total loser; I did "get groovy" on Saturday night.

However, the re-run of the Larry King/James Frey interview was on in the background.

I'm hot.

Dr. Phil DUMPS Perfectmatch.com

Dr. Phil who, last year, was sloppin between the sheets with Perfectmatch.com has unceremonioulsy dumped them in favor of doing a deal with Match.com. This is a good thing.

Now to some of the newer readers of Crackpot Press this may seem like a "who cares?" kind of update.

Until of course... you check out THIS stellar piece of investigative journalism. This is the very first article ever to appear on Crackpot Press and the story of the debaucle that was my experience on the Dr. Phil Show.

Of course, there was this follow up as well.

Way to go Dr. Phil!

So a Muslim, a Jew and your kid walk into a bar

Feeling stressed out about your kid being in Iraq? Yuk it the fuck up!

I've read this article three times.

There is no way that this coud be true. I'm speechless.

Really Speechless.

Now tip your cocktail waitress.

Israel to Robertson: SCREW YOU!

If you are like me you get very frustrated that folks can just spew any old verbachunks out there, Quietly retract it a few days later and there is no kind of recourse taken.

Well good old Pat Robertson has gotten his comeupance. A few days ago he made some pretty crappy comments about Ariel Sharon, while the guy had just gone in to a coma!

However, Israel has smite him with vengence and hit him in the only place he feels it.

No, not in the nuts, but in the wallet.

Remember that bit I did on Pat Robertson taking 700 Club Hoe-Down to Israel.

The deal is off.

I do think the Magdalene Chop Shop would have down well. There is only one place to get a Crackpot Dog, now and that's right here.

See, you really watch what you say, could cost ya millions!

In other news there is some cool new stuff up at the Main Site!

Training Wheels for the Right

Well, I have finally figured out a way to rid the world of the Right Wing.

Next Xmas, Give them all bikes!

or perhaps a nice class would be in order.

My apartment gods are cocksuckers.

Okay so let's say you find yourself living in a crappy apartment off of Melrose, and some homeless guy breaks in while you are in boxers and hungover on a Saturday at 8:00 am and you fight him off and decide that you are not cool enough for Hollywood anymore and move to Studio City.

Let's say you move to Bluffside Terrace Apartments on Bluffside Drive, right behind the Ralph's on Vineland and Ventura. Right next to the Archstone, a favorite for porn actors and Universal Studio Executive Mistresses and whatever the gay equivilant is. The pool area is a good looking bunch.

Think again!

You have a whole new criminal to deal with.

So my dishwasher is making some noise. A cat in heat being dry humped kinda noise. So I call the fuckers in charge and they say they will fix it. THREE MONTHS later they do.

And Today, I get a bill in the mail for $95. Apparantly there was some glass or some shit in it and so it's my fault. Apparantly the "imbeller" is broken.

My dishwasher is a 24 inch ROPER brand Washing Machine. ROPER BRAND??? What the hell does that mean???

While trying to figure this out, I muse on some of the things the BLUFFSIDE TERRACE APARTMENTS off of Ventura behind the Ralph's has done for me.

I live in a so-called "Security Building" looks like an okay joint.

My next door neighbor, and then Landlord, was bludgeoned to death by two hustlers he met at "Apache's" and promised speed to. I heard the noise but was too tired to get into a fight that night. The police report mentioned "an act of true anger"

My car was broken into two years ago and all my Xmas Presents were stolen. Including a West Wing Fleece blanket at buddy scammed for free from Warner Brothers. Priceless.

My house was broken into after returning my Father's funeral. My cell and home phone were the only things stolen. They also rifled through my CD collection. Apparantly, not big Elvis Costello and Social Distortion Fans.

My Dishwasher says "made for the Roper Corp of Kannakee, Ill." Now I look up the ROPER brand on Google.

Guess what?!? The Roper Corporation of Kannakee, Ill was bought by Whirlpool in 1987....
My guess is that had this dishwasher had it been newer would have said WHIRLPOOL on it.

Considering this dishwasher was built during the Reagan Administration, this is normal wear and tear, right!

Also to buy a new one it's only $200.

What a bunch of cocksuckers.

Editor's Note: This post is in no way meant to discourage anyone from sucking a cock.

Well this won't piss anyone off.

First, Pat Robertson says Sharon is being punished for dividing God's Land.

What could possibly bring these folks together ?

Pat's gotta another idea... BUILD A THEME PARK!

Yup 700LAND is coming to Isreal for folks who find the actual Holy Lands a bit dry.

It will feature the hit show "Ezekiel- Pick'n and a Grinnin''", Revelation alley, in the arcade-- "whack-a-hom0" and, of course, from the folks at ILM "Blast to Ascention!- A Reality Voyage"

Of course, you will be able to take your picture with all of the Bible's cartoon characters.

Booze will not be served, but we understand there will be a "secret club/spa" (ala Disneyland's Club 33, hidden above the Pirates of the Carribean) named "Magdalene's Chow House". It will have more Americanized fair than bland ole jesus food; Wings, Beer, Espn and hummers-- the secret handshake is the same as at the Promise Keepers.

First served, first come.

Don't like your service? just wack em in the head. To keep things "real" slavery will be reinstated!!!

So bring some extra suinglkes and cmon down y'all!

Blog Blunder.

Hey folks, I got the comments things working away again.

I fumbled.

Much like Reggie Bush. Kiss that #1 goodbye showboat.

Thanks for tip off Tina

We will Smite Thee

Once again, California will again prove our superiority over Texas! People think Texas when they think Football. Texans think they are so tough, with their whole chaps and leather cowboy thing.

By the way in California that mean something completely different.

I hear this so much...

But tonight Texans, you are getting fistful of Hippie and Barbie all rolled into one.

Oh here's a fun fact... unlike the Texas "Bush," Reggie Bush is actually a California Native. George Bush is not a Texas Native, he's just come Conneticut Yankee you let take over your state.

Aw CRAP!

This New Year has been odd. I was sitting in Palm Springs with the new girlfriend (she is 5 weeks older than me) and watching a little SportsCenter (is she a keeper or what?).

Apparantly it was Sportscenter anniversary and they were showing the first episode,which aired in 1987.

Chris Berman comes on and talks about a Happy 19 years.

We both buried our heads in embarrasment.

AW CRAP!!!

1987 was when we both graduated high school....

Where the Hell did the time go? I don't feel old.. shit.. she is contemplating a 3 day 69 mile marathon this fall in Tahoe. I plan on being supportive.

See one of those punk kids today trying that?

Radical judges at it again.

So the Radical Judges are at it again. Throwing out a 50 year old rule.

Sandra Day O'Connor overturned a 50 (count em 50!) year old band on rain on the Rose Parade.

For 50 years no matter what the January weather was doing, it would always clear up just in time for the parade.

Not this year. Grand Marshal Sandra Day O'Connor let it rain.

Torrents splashed down on the great unwashed (mostly tourists in Longhorn Shirts) and O'Connor wouldn't even open her convertible top.



The good news is the extra water made LeAnn Rimes look even hotter. I have not been able to find a picture of LeAnn from the parade... so just use your imagination. I'm a little pissed as I have no problem finding pictures of Lance Burton.

And just to prove this is about radical judges. Can you guess who the Grand Marshall was when it rained 50 years ago?

That's right... it was Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren... who declared that it shoudln't rain on the Rose Parade every again.

Now overturned by the Radical Right.

Fuckers...