I really need to apologize to my readers, friends and family.
I am truly embarrassed and saddened about the new Amateur Sex Tape "Crackpot Blows" that is slowly being released across these great internets.
It all started so simply. Last fall, as the Orange County leaves turned, I had invited myself to a Long Beach convention of Vioxx Lawyers (as there was free spirits and crab cakes) and after meeting one, who also was representing Nikki Hilton (who was obviously distraught over her sisters infamy last year), I was led up stairs and now that indiscretion is everywhere.
WHY DO THESE THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME????
I know this is not the person that you thought me to be.
My performance was terribly hollow and one-note. As most my readers, friends and family know, my chops hang with the "Grande Dames" of the "Flesh Arts." Perhaps it was the extra inebriates imbued that evening, but I had dropped lines and cues and the witty improv work that I have been lauded for all these years... just simply did NOT come from my throat; my not even my trademark catchphrase "Slap that ass, you filthy bitch" was naught to be uttered. I only managed to croak out a simple "Are you comfortable in the swing dear?" What was I thinking that night?
I shant blame my lovely co-stars Nikki Hilton, Tara Reid and the staple of my work the "Nutcracking Gorilla." As neophyte ingénues they were breaking new ground, taking risks.
Ah Tara, no Christy Canyon could have ever timed a deep throat/hair flip like that and only a master thespian could have taken on the Gorilla for 12 hours like you Nikki. Stella Adler is creaming in her pants just six feet below her ornate head marker.
God Bless you both.
Please do not purchase nor view this tape.. tis gut wrenching, scenery chewing rubbish.
Please forgive me. I will be cancelling my appearance on this week's "Inside the Actor's Scrotum."
P.S. Please feel free to view my master class work in THE "Nutcracking Gorilla" series "Crackpot vs. Tina Yothers" , "Crackpot Fingercuffs Kathy Najamy" and "Crackpot Duels with the 'Cute' Bush Twin."
Il Duce Speaks
3 months ago