PICK ME!! PICK ME!!

Bill O'RILEY has announced the following:

Bill: I'm glad the smear sites made a big deal out of it. Now we can all know who was with the anti-military internet crowd. We'll post the names of all who support the smear merchants on billoreilly.com. So check with us.

We hate you! Please link to us. And I am from San Francisco... the town that the President is too chickenshit to visit.

At Crackpot Press we only speak in cold hard facts. Unlike other folks who may or may not have a show


THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT BILL O'RILEY

He was the First Choice to play Opie on the "Andy Griffith Show" but had to bow out due to the mumps. In 1982, He keyed Ron Howard's car while it was parked at Chasen's.

His show is syndicated in Ireland where he is known as Herschel Sanchez.

He makes up one word a day so his audience thinks he delifabtastical.

He makes me giggle when he uses the word "pithy." It make him sound gay.

Hair is real... tie is painted on every night.

He dated the Olsen twins... before they were famous.

He launched Ann Colture's career from the floor of Penn Station ladies room.

He is one of four people in the United States who becomes less funny the higher you get. The other three are Alan Greenspan, Jared from Subway and my boss.

He is the secret owner of a family of Lassa Apsos who live under assumed names in a small town outside Plano, Texas. He does send money, but does not praise them.

He was the first man to knit a functioning rubber. It was teal.

He grew up in a "Family Bed;" WAY before it was cool.

He cannot pronounce the Number 79.


So Bill Screw you! We tell the truth!

And my crappy promotional stuff kicks your crappy promotional stuff's ASS!

Cocktails Anyone?

Crooks and Liars have this bit up and I couldn't help myself.

I am man who loves a good cocktail. On occasion, you may have found me imbued, saucy or hammered. But I also believe that there is a time and a place for everything.

World Series... a good day for cocktails.
a good concert... whip em out.
The AVP tour... sneek on over to the Poopdeck in Hermosa between matches.
Sunday afternoon at the Baja Cantina.. I'm in.

Trying to help out the Governor of Virginia win a very close election???

I think I would lay off that night.

Apparantly W. doesn't think so.

Here it is, GEORGE BUSH DRUNK!!!

It has become very apparant that this job has driven him nuts, now with Libby,Rove and Cheney slowly unraveling he is getting his Jenna on!

I believe the President should have a little fun now and again, but this man has fallen off the wagon and over the coming months he WILL be dragged behind it.

Honestly, I don't think W. purposely lied about anything (sorry Giles Weaver) I think he just reads whatever the teleprompter tells him and regurges what other tell him.

And he is about to snap.

Just wait till he realizes he is a fraud.

About the new car.

As some of you know the last coupla years have been wacky and tough.

Starving Unemployment.
Starving Underployment
Being thown into ICU... being told I had 12 hours to live.
Finding out what "Juvenile Diabetes" really meant..
Crazy moodiness.
Slutting from time to time.
Cigarettes... lots of them.
Selling myself out.
The passing of Frank..that was a big deal for me.

For all of you who I told "I am buying a Mustang"

and YOU said "I deserve it"

You are goddamn right I do.

Judd
Renee
Flysh
Deb
Philip
Suzy
Kim
Brian
Carrie
Darnell
Heinson
Karen
Lynne
Megan
Mike
Jack
Greg
Elliot

and of course...

Billy, Sharon and Steve Liubergerstein.

Thanks for getting me through this...even if you think you "did nothing"

You did something.

-Dave

"It just seemed like a girl frenzy"

Men get a lot of flack was do assholitic things.

But we have never DONE THIS.

What the hell is going in your pants?

On Monday at 8:00, this will be mine

I RULE!

Damn You Fox!!

So let's say you have a really good tv show. Critically praised, smart and extremely funny. Emmy award winner.

The ratings aren't so hot....

What could we do about that?

Here's an idea let's put it up against Monday Night Football and see if it does better in that time slot!!!

That's a formula for SUCCESS.

9/11 and Hunter Thomspon

Hunter Thompson was working on a piece similar to this when he "commited suicide"


Take a look.

These Punk Kids Today

I am currently watching "The Apprentice." They have to put together a Star Wars display in a Best Buy.

When I was 17 I worked in a video store. In fact, most of the people of my generation that I consider "Geniuses" worked in a video store at some point or another.

How hard is it, really, to put together a DISPLAY IN VIDEO STORE--- FOR STAR WARS!!!!





Except for one of the remaining contestants... they all looked at each other like Star Wars was some obscure french film where aging cousins request butter for no reason. The women were shaking in their Jimmy Choos they wrestled some other bitch for on discount day.

Then I remembered something. On my 30th birthday I resolved that I would not date any woman who was born after the initial release of "Star Wars", 1977. Throughout the remaining 6 years I have held steadfast to this ... as long as you don't confuse "Hanging Out" with "Dating."

These punks kids are young.. they don't know Star Wars.

They don't understand the passion behind Star Wars. They don't know standing in line 10 times to see Star Wars in a Summer. Must have been great for my folks. Need an afternoon off from parenting.. drop the brat off at Star Wars.. he'll just sit there and watch it over and over and over again.. that's like nine hours of free time....take a nap...

And this was before Star Wars became "Geek Culture" When it first came out, it was "I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO FUCKING AWESOME IN THE NINE YEARS OF MY LIFE." It kicked the Astrodome's ass. It was such a pure thing that no filmmaker will ever duplicate... remember, at this point technology was PONG.. it was all done with models. There was so much passion, so much excitement. I'm guessing it's the similar to the a generation of teenage girls who went to go see Titanic over and over and over again. Usually alone.

So how the HELL can 8 so-called smart people not SELL FUCKING STAR WARS.

It's a slam dunk. Put an ad up on craigslist.

I've said this over and over again. What sells is passion. One picture of Princess Leia in the Gold Bikini will get more Gen-X men to buy anything. When that Rolling Stone cover came out... jesus mary and joseph... once again.. something I had never seen before. I think I had a boner that entire summer.

If you don't have passion... fake it, make it up, FIND IT.

Okay so the accountant speaks, here is what I have would have done:

A) Pictures from EVERY STAR WARS movie... This one ties it all together. Gold Bikini is important. You get the new and the retro all in one.
B) Perhaps some sound clips. Scent is the strongest of the senses. Audio is also important. There is no one my age (you know, the guy with wallet) who doesn't get a low vibration somewhere from the abs to the nads when they hear they hear the Star Wars opening anthem. Everytime I hear that... I am nine years old again. Especially if it the words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" proceed it.
C) Get Darth Vader there in person.. I believe he is with the Gersh Agency. 310-274-6611
D) Sell discounted "Empire Strikes Back" DVD's with purchase.
E) Not one of these jagoffs had a light saber present. Pay ten bucks and get one.. pay twenty and get two... then ya got a fight. People like pretty lights and shiny things.
F) More sound clips... If someone hears "deep breathing" they will listen.


I will now leave you with words of Giles Weaver's wife. She went to see Star Wars with him.

She fell for the actor playing Darth Vader. She said "He had me at 'We can rule the Galaxy together'"

If you want to rule... then RULE!

"THE REVOLT BEGINS" or "Arnold gets ICED!"

The people of California have voted against all eight prop measures. This should go as a warning to the right... we're on to you. The puppet show don't play in CA.

Your bullshit attempts to change the rules as you go... are OVER!

Can I have the $80 million you spent on this back?

I want to thank all the Californians who stood with the Crackpot Press and said NO to special elections.

I thought it may show a change in the Republican mindset when Arnold said this:

On a Beverly Hills stage Tuesday night next to his wife, Maria Shriver, Schwarzenegger pledged "to find common ground" with his Democratic adversaries in Sacramento.

"The people of California are sick and tired of all the fighting, and they are sick and tired of all the negative TV ads," he told supporters at the Beverly Hilton. He did not concede, saying instead that "in a couple of days the victories or the losses will be behind us."

And it's just not in CA, across the country the People are SMASHING DOWN on Republican Arrogance.

In Pennsylvania, 8 of 9 school board members were given the AX by the voters for forcing the myth of intelligent design on our kids


Repubs: Work with us, not at us.

And Arnold... your movies suck. Magic ticket my ass.

I'm SO BACK!

I was once a very powerful studio exec at Columbia/TriStar Pictures. God those were good times.

It was a while ago but I had it all; pink diamond rings, Psychotherapy T Shirts, Jay Maloney's AND Don Simpson's beeper numbers on my speed dial. Kaye Popofsky and Jackie Marcus still returned my calls, all four hungry for a three blowjob deal.

It was a simpler time.There was no internet, no expanded home markets mortgage rates were at an all time low, no one had ever heard of vioxx lawsuits and my penis was coveted.. by the best.

I still have the thong that Elizabeth Berkley gave me... in a meeting. It now hisses the scent of spoiled gouda.

I was taken down by my own arrogance. I insulted the chef at the Rita Hayworth dining room, the studio could live without me, but not without his legendary egg white, avocado, eel southwest tex mex scramble. He works at Lion's Gate now... bitch.

But now I am BACK!!! BACK I SAY!!!

I HAVE PUT TOGETHER THE MOST EXCELLENT MOVIE EVER. Sure it's a remake... but damn if it isn't the feel good movie of the year. I wept (down there) the moment I first read it. Jack and Shelley remembered me from that thing with the thing..you gotta hand it to that guy... most loyal manI have ever met.

Shelley could still use a sandwich; A CRACKPOT Sandwich.. BowBowBow.

You can view the trailer here.

I'm SO Back. Lizzy, I need some new panties.

-CP

How a Smog Test is ruining the only Relationship I can maintain.

For once in my life, I wish I lived in Texas...

The California Smog Test is the biggest fricking scam job in the world. I drive a 1996 Chevy Lumina and it's has been a good, reliable car for me. Sure it's hitting around 100k miles but in very good shape. I am trying to get the damn thing registered ($125) and have to get a Smog Check... WAIT not just a smog check but I SMOG TEST. A smog test requires going a special "Test only" place. This means they can test the car
but if it fails, they aren't allowed to fix it.

I know it's an instant fail if the service engine light is on. So I take it to the first guy and he tells me the spark plugs aren't firing right. He replaces them and some coils ($250), but the car runs a little better now.

So off to Smog Test Guy, the Lumina fails, not by much, but fails nonetheless. (that'll be $50 dollars, please)

However this guy can't tell me what to do next.

So I take it to a Smog Specialist ($80) who tells me a computer is misfiring and that's the reason it's failed.

Bad News... He can't fix it... Gotta get it to the dealership.

I bring my detailed report to the Dealership. He has to run his own diagnostic ($100) to then realize that it is not the computer --(which I think is a lie by the way) but the car needs a ($200) tune up.

Okay I am REALLY pissed off now. But the one thing that is free is a second test.
Which I fail, with nearly the exact same results.

Back to the Dealership, what the hell do I do NOW???

They are saying the Catalytic Converter ($800) needs to be replaced. So for those of you math geniuses (you know, the folks who understand about Mortgage Refinancing and current gold prices) have figured it out already... $1600 of work for a car worth $2200-ish maybe.
Oh and fixing the Catalytic Converter doesn't mean it will pass.

So fair Lumina, I think it is time for us to part ways.. It's been a good 7 years, but I need to trade you in for younger sexier newer model. Maybe a little more low maintenance, a little less costly, a little more fun. It's not the years, it's the mileage.

Someone interviewed me.

You can check it out here.

For the Canadians.... there is no picture of me in a suit.

However, enjoy this 1986 Prom Photo. I can no longer grow bangs.

If you look closely, you can see part of her diamond watches collection.

Catherine , Nice Gal.

I stalked her down right before my ten year reunion. It was nice to know she was doing great. Really.

It was all very scandalous, because I was in co-ed boarding school at the time and we weren't supposed to date girls from other schools. Especially Catholic Girls.

I used to sneak out and climb over fences and snuggled under barbed wire to see her.


My mom came in for a visit and fell in love with her.

Mom signed a permission slip so I could see her whenever I wanted.

Anyways we got bombed this night, spent the night in a Ramada Inn (which was extremely tame yet I still have the garter) and then I took my SAT's the next morning, scored a 1450...

Go figure. It didn't end well...what teenage thing does?

It's weird to think that next spring is 20 years later. She got married 6 years ago. I am still single.

She is still the "gold standard" that I judge any other woman by. She truly had every quality I look for in a woman. These qualities all go far beyond looks. There was something soulful there. Something adventurous. something 32 at 17 and 17 at 32. I have fallen in love a few times since then...but it's not the same thing... there wasn't "the magic" or "the simple." All the "what are they thinking" bullshit corrupts the emotion.

The girlfriend after this and I got into a fight. I remember saying "Goddammit Catherine." My girlfriend's name was Diane.

True love is a simple emotion. It's a base emotion, no different than flipping someone off in traffic. It's easy and heartfelt. Over the years cynicism, suspicion,insecurity, mysoginy and the Sex in the City synonym taint this true emotion. It makes it hardest emotion to express; a crystal pitcher of dirty martinis. True Love is selfless, the hardest emotion. I dare you to let your guard down.

Guess Catherine was one in a million... or at least in a hundred.

She is the only woman I ever fell in love with AND didn't sleep with.

More reasons to hate Hippies.

I don't wear suits often. I've been told often that I look smashing in them and, of course, THEY are usually right. I look in the mirror at myself in a suit and I just feel like I look like a little boy in his Dad's suit.

I don't have any reason to wear a suit. My job doesn't require it. I live in Southern California... I can't understand why I have to wear pants at all.

But I put on a suit today. No one died or got married or nuthing. Just had a job interview 10 miles away. And today I really looked like a man. Armani Tie, good haircut, shined shoes, starched white shirt. In fact I starched it just north of comfortable. I 've worn this suit before... but today for some reason.. I look like a man.

On the way to the interview, I am unusually irritable. It was one of those "National Drive like Crap" days. I notice a missed shaving spot. So I stop at the Ralphs and buy some razors and get to work on myself in the Ralph's bathroom. Scrrrrrappee... the dry shave is always a bad one yet Salt Wound refreshing..ripping skin cells off.. but I don't manage to cut myself.... a good thing going into a job interview.

My Internet date calls and cancels.. whatever.

I do the interview... 4 half hour one on one interviews. 3 of the 4 were terribly boring. I mean toothpicks in the eyes (not the eyelids) dull. Are you aware of the New SEC Sederis testing method... with the lyrical Ben Stein drawl....

How the fuck did I become an accountant? I have been lapped danced by the starlet du jour. I've smoked pot with rock stars. I puked on Gwen Stefani's shoes in Tiajuana. These people are dull... not enough "U"'s in dull to tell you how dull they are.

But the gig pays well... so I go with it.

I complete my two and half hour job interview and slam right into rush hour traffic.

And then there are these fucking Hippies...who have shut down Wilshire Blvd and there are thousands of us stuck in our cars trying to get on the freeway.

They hate Bush. Who doesn't? I will stand toe to toe with any nasty ass dumb witted Bush shrub.

So hippies, I empathize with your message. I know you don't have to get someplace.. but I am hungry and I want to go home.

Can I PLEASE go home now?

and please, shower.

Why are these places praised?

San Bernadino is praised in the song "Route 66." San Bernandino is an awful place. Fires, Mud Slides, David Drier-- it's all terrible.

For that matter why is "Victory Blvd" praised in "I Love L.A." With the exception of the Stargarden, there is no reason to go to Victory Blvd...

Show me the Elvis Dust.

I got this email from the King of Pussification today.

The Democratic Party
-----------------------
Thank Harry Reid for forcing the Senate to talk about Iraq
and manipulated intelligence:
http://www.democrats.org/fightback

Dear Crackpot,

Late this afternoon my friend Senator Harry Reid forced the
Senate into an extraordinary closed session to discuss the
manipulation of intelligence on Iraq and subsequent cover-up
that led to the indictments last week.

BLAH DONATE BLAH MONEY! BLAH... and THEN!

Enough is enough and we're ready to lead.

Thank you.

Governor Howard Dean, M.D.

YAHOO! Isn't leading what I pay you for? NOW you are ready to lead?????

In 2001 I was laid off and have been underemployed ever since. I watched as our Demo Gray Davis did nothing. I watched as W. did nothing. I watched as Feinstein and Boxer did nothing.

I moved onto a friend's couch.

I lost everything.

And you want me to give you money?

Politicians got paid do the same thing I did when I was out of work... they got paid to do NOTHING! (FULL DISCLOSURE: I did not get paid to do nothing.)

I'm not giving you money to grow a pair.

I had to grow them on my own. With a Chia Pet kit and Bic 4 pack as my only friends.

Howard Dean is a homo (but not in the "gay way")

UPDATE: Howard Dean is a "Nancy" not a "Homo" My semantic linguistics have been corrected.

Wait my Aunt's name is Nancy.. Howard Dean is now a "Phyllis"

UPDATE: Howard Dean is still the "King of Pussification"

Where is Johnny Cash when you need him?




-CP

Gettin some Botox

Hey we are doing a few changes... so if you seem some stuff on the site that seems a little.."odd" simply forget about it. Didn't happen. We're figuring it out...

We have never been about the "PRETTY"

CP and GW

Why Chicks Who Dig Sports Rock.

Why Chicks Who Dig Sports Rock!

I got into a conversation with a platonic female friend the other night. She had been doing some internet dating and it seems the guys she would browse all wanted a girl who was into sports; a Requirement. She wanted to know why. So now I am telling.

1. Low Maintenance… For beginners You understand “No Bullshit Shopping Trips” in the Post Season.

2. You understand that ALL sports bars have hot waitresses. I will occasionally gawk and I know, that while you won’t admit it, you are staring Tom Brady’s ass. We understand each other. You know I am going home with you.

3. You know the appropriate time to make funky noises.

4. You understand that competition should be on the field. Not in the bedroom… unless it’s a 3-way. In that case, knock yourself out.

5. You plan Thanksgiving dinner at an appropriate time. I’ll have the bird ready.

6. You look hot in a Jersey, especially mine. I don’t care how cute you thought those shoes were…a jersey will bring a boy down.

7. It is sexy when you bring me a beer during the game. Almost equally sexy: If I go to the fridge for a beer and you say “Honey, while you’re up?”

8. Choosing a team is a commitment; Even if it’s the evil, evil Yankees or Cowboys. If I can keep the peace with you, you who roots against me, you are a keeper.

9. You can order appropriately from a Sports Bar Menu without making a scene (i.e. Bitching about “no tofurkey”). You love the shrimp at Hooters.

10.You make me watch Tennis; I make you watch the AVP. Everybody wins.

11. You know the importance of the “Thrill of Victory, Agony of Defeat” Blowjob. It's the only way to cure a broken heart. It's the best way to celebrate a victory.

12. I don’t come home drunk after a night of watching sports with the boys. WE come home drunk after a night of watching sports with the boys.

13. Cooperstown is an appropriate vacation destination.

14. When my team loses, you call me “ A bitch.” (except in the post season) When your team loses… I find a different adjective, like “Sugar” or “Sweet Pea” and see the opposite of Rule 11.

15. You can hang in the nosebleeds.

16. You told me that Janet’s boob fell out. I missed it. Yeah, you were watching Justin’s ass.

In short, you rock!

Merry Fitzmas... Bitch...

Scooter Libby got nabbed, Rove may plea bargin...

Oh screw it just go to Raw Story.

SAT Quiz

This




















is to this












as this



















is to WHAT?


Send your answer to Crackpot@crackpotpress.com


Answer Phrased in a picture will only be correct.

ARNOLDS NEIGHBORHOOD

Sunny Days... everything A-OK!