Basketball GOD!

Yes I am a NCAA BASKETBALL GOD.

As you all know from my football picks, I KNOW SPORTS!!!

So it should come as NO surprise that I am currently in 905455th in the ESPN tournament challenge!

I rule!

Something Strange

SAN DIEGO -- The arena for the first-round NCAA men's Tournament game between Alabama and Marquette was temporarily evacuated Thursday after bomb-sniffing dogs detected "something strange" on a food vendor's cart about two hours before tipoff.

Something Strange Smelling...?

At a stoner school..?

On a food vendor's cart?

Go figure...

Bugs not Body Armor

First Tina reports on Sharks with frickin laser beams.

And now they are making insect cyborgs to go virtually anywhere.

War Zones, Peace Rally's and Your HOUSE!

THE DOD is welcome to take any from my house to experiment on.

Call me a patriot.

Maureen Stapleton

Maureen Stapleton passed away today at the age of 80.

There is this great story about her. She had just won the Academy Award for REDS in 1981.

Now Maureen was a bit of a battle AXE and a quality drinker. She wins the award, Jack Lemmon hands it to her and the walk backstage to the pressroom.

Jacks holds her by the arm and says "So how does it feel to be the best supporting actress there ever was?"

Maureen spits out "I'd rather be remembered as the greatest LAY there ever was"

to a loaded press room.

Who never said a goddamn word. And good for them.

StatsCounter.

Hey folks,

I have become increasingly dissatisfied with Statscounter.com as my free tracker for this blog and the main site

It's not counting very well.. my back up counter (which only works on the main site) shows nearly the double the hits that Statcounter Does.

Any suggestions?

Insert Laughter

Why do I find none of this funny?

Who do you have to blow?

To get a meeting with Mary Carey?

No, I am serious...

By the way, this is the least nude image I could find, before I got caught...er I guess "distracted" is a better word.

Oh for wholesome family images swiped from Google... go see BOAAC!

But the Good news is she has lost twenty pounds!

Which is roughly $34.50 American.

thankyouverymuch...

Mary Carey has lost no one in the Iraq war.

Barry. - Updated.

According to a new book out , it looks like my boy Barry is facing new steroid accusations.

According to the book, Bonds was using two undetectable designer steroids, informally known as the cream and the clear, plus insulin, human growth hormone and other performance enhancers by 2001, when he hit 73 home runs for the Giants to break Mark McGwire's single-season record of 70 set in 1998.

Insulin??? How the hell does insulin help someone hit a baseball? Also Insulin is a legal substance. Your body makes it. Runners often inject and extra pint of blood to help them run better. I

Now I can't speak to the cream and the clear and human growth hormone... which were banned in the 2002 baseball season and were both within the rules to use at the time.

I can speak to insulin. I take it every day. The only purpose for Insulin is to break down sugar in your body. A normal, healthy non-diabetic person would die if they took insulin. I took an accidentantly overdose the other night and couldn't complete a game of Scrabble.

A normal person taking insulin would immediately feel sweaty, dizzy and have absoulutely no chance what so ever of hitting a baseball.

I think that these members of the media (who Bonds has not been good to) are reaching for substances that need to be injected to prove a loose case. If they had the facts on steroids, why add something that really can't help you out that much and the effects can be immediately dangerous.

So what the hell are these people talking about?

In addition, there is this new article

Like the previous article, the evidence is speculative. Also if you note the tone of the article is VERY villifing. IF this evidence is true, why hasn't Bonds be arrested? Why hasn't McGwire been arrested?

What I am saying here is we don't know. How many folks were hoodwinked by Judith Miller?

The Bastard Strikes Again

Ever need a nice tidy list of of all the fuck ups of the Bush Administration.

Check out the Bastard of Arts and Commerce

A man, a myth amd a collector of Cheap Wedding Favors.

Dubai and Dubya

Is there really that much difference?

Today word is punditry. I know what the word means.. it means guy on T.V. talking about shit with the passion of a team of malpractice lawyers and one bextra lawyer negotiating for Easter Gift Baskets like a forgetful father 17 minutes before service starts.

It’s amazing what one desperate man will do for 49 cents worth of Peeps. What acts he will commit.

I have always thought of Easter as the “greatest comeback ever”.. your friends betray you.. you spend several days on nailed,not stapled but NAILED, to a cross, your only entertainment is admiring your mammouth African penis and wondering why you never cut your long blond locks. It’s hot up here..

Your friends give up on you and throw you in a cave and roll a boulder over the entrance..

Miraculously you recover and are so undernourished and pissed off you roll away the stone, then take your vengeance on your disciples who gave up on you… Each of the nine to twelve “Disciple” murders are accented with a CD-R of “I’m your Boogeyman” left by your mangled body. Mangled in the Uber-Pissed off Son of God way.

A young Chuck Norris plays Jesus. Jesus kicked ass… just like the last reel of LONE WOLF MCQUADE.. but he was no Billy Jack.

Brilliant.

But more on punditry.

Wikipedia (No I don’t own a dictionary.. or a Zagats… homo) defines “Pundit” as

In the English-speaking West, pundits are those who are the presiding experts on a subject; and write signed articles in newspapers or appear on radio or television to opine on current events. Television pundits are sometimes called talking heads.

By extension, the term pundit is also used to refer to individuals that express opinions in the media without necessarily being a recognized expert on a particular subject matter. Pundits are often accused of being politically biased and for using informal logic in fallacious ways; in this sense, the term is also used as a term of disparagement.

Since I don’t own a dictionary… I don’t know what “fallacious” means either. But it sounds like a wonderful evening in, with some turkey chilli.

Back to the pundits…

Regardless of Americans being WAY against the DUBAI ports deal. Dubya feels impassioned about it. Proving once more he is more in touch with the enemy than with people. Enemy not in the terrorist way…

I like others are sick of being force fed at the Dubai teat. I don’t think most people are racist, I think most people are sick of being pawns in foreign oils game. Bush (and his pundits) say 65% of American’s are racists for not liking this deal.

Dubya and Dubai say trust me..

So now.. we play the ratings game…the pundits need to get forceful.

Howard Stern is a genius. He is not a genius because he is funny... he’s not funny or witty or clever. Well, he is funnier than Al Franken.. but not any funnier than the guys I went to high school with. He is not a genius because of lesbian strippers. He’s not a genius because he isn’t afraid to get personal.

Howard Stern is a genius because he discovered a truth. The people that hate you will watch you more closely than the people who like you. The people who hate you are a much bigger, louder force. The people who hate you are “your audience.”

And they listen and they buy the stuff you are selling.

Pundits are getting wise.

Now that the Dubai is dead… let’s think about the Dubya.

Limbaugh
O’Riley
And this guy.

Regardless that this deal is dead, these guys just keep preaching, that Bush is right and they are slowly mnaking Congress a four letter word.

What are they doing?

They are attempting to attract the audience that hates them.

And that audience is me..

I just want to know what wrong stuff they are gonna say next.

I should really spend more time reading.

To Protect and Dance!

So I get in the elevator today with an cop. 22 years oldish, short but broadshouldered kid with a $35 haircut and a manicure. Also in the elevator was a boat load of unattended Office Room Reception Chairs , Which now live in my car.

In addition to the normal cop regaila (pistol, smashy stick, love cuffs).. he had what every Cop in Los Angeles needs to accent his job.

Variety
The Hollywood Reporter
and Backstage West

NO wonder the Cops are nuts in this town... They are freaking frustrated primadonna wanna be movie stars...

Damn you BOBBY BALL! Damn you APA!!!

So let's look at this again..

So let's take an average guy... who has big dreams but on average spends three years out of work... getting rejected day in and day out, not just by casting directors, but by his agent and eventually his girlfriend runs off with his agent's assistant because he makes more money and has better connections.

Now add in to that, this person was the leading thespian and considered the best actor at in college. That's quite a heartbreak. While driving the squad car he starts reminiscing about his days as "the Grand Dame of Cal State Hayward Extention"

Actor's are crazy psychotic people to begin with.

So they take a job that requires hanging with the criminals most of the time... and they get smashy sticks and pistols and love cuffs.

And now the LAPD is giving the WEAPONS!!!!

His only training is a Stage Combat Class taught in West Hollywood by Les Abott???

MEMO TO: LAPD

STOP HIRING ACTORS!!!!!!

Wear a Rubber.

In his last "Speech for money" Kurt Vonnegut took the opportunity to slam Bush, "the syphullis president"

Good for him...

The Zingers include: "the Difference between Bush and Hitler... is that Hitler was elected"

The bit that really got me was Our economy has been making money, but
“all the money that should have gone into research and development has gone into executive compensation. If people insist on living as if there’s no tomorrow, there really won’t be one. "

This is the EXACT reason why I foudn it necessary to skip out on my gig.

That, and I think I finally reached me porn threshold and am looking forward to buying my Mother's Day Gift Baskets with untainited cash.

Kirby Pucket

I don't know how anyone feels about the passing of Kirby Pucket.

However, I do know a great piece of writing.

Go to www.kfwb.com

and listen to Chris Ames story on Kirby Pucket.. it's short.

Do a control F(ind) and type in Kirby

The Big Dance

My team for the tourney this year is my Beloved Gonzaga Bulldogs.

I didn't actually GO to Gonzaga.. I just root for them as I have no idea if the San Francisco State Gaters have a basketball team. Adam Morrison, their star junior, is a Type 1 and so I really would like to see them do well.

I was on the Bong Team when I went there and I tell you we kicked Stanford's ass every meet.

Eat that Cardinals!

The Tournament was never a big deal growing up for me. We had professional sports to watch, but as I grew into a klan of Caroliners in the my early 20's I started getting into it.


And yes, I usually root for the Pac-Ten and am usually disappointed.

Every sport needs a villian. Whether it is the Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys, Kerri Walsh or the Lakers, the villian is one of the most important aspects of any sporting event. If you have no one to root for, it's almost as fun as having someone to root against.

And now it is time for the Big Dance.. usually Duke is my villian for the tourney...

Every been to Duke.. well I have just seen pictures and they are Ugly, Ugly people.

And cocky.

But this year's villian, who I will delight in watching being beat up torturted and spit out is...

Oral Roberts University.

Yes, the aqua netted cheerleaders of of Oral Roberts University have God and their side and who wouldn't want to take on God in the Tourney?

In know recently Oral has embraced progressive changes in the rights of college coeds .

Well Oral.. you are playing with the Big Boys now.... and not even your precious little God can't save you know.

Let's Rock.

Natalie Portman's Rap

More real blogging later but in the meantime check this!

Via Crooks and Liars.

The Penguin Documentary sucks.

Actually I really liked the Penguin Movie. In fact, I thought it was a great documentary. In fact, it was a real documentary... not an op-ed movie... very Nanookish. "The Smartest Guys in the Room," while filled with great information, is exceptionally poor filmmaking. Just a lot of dumb crap for the ignorant... as CPG pointed out...

"Wow, they played "Son of Preacher Man", because Ken Lay was a son of Preacher... how cute. Look they talk about accounting magic tricks .... then a magician pulls a rabbit out "

She has Houston Bias.. but ya know.. that IS cheap filmmaking. I hate movies that intentionally press my buttons.. Terms of Endearment??? C'mon??? Biggest piece of "Push My Buttons.. bring the kids to my deathbed kind of filmmaking" crap I have ever seen.

As genius Tina said once (quote as I remember) "I give you hot ass Model-T steamy love and you won't share that piece of floaty thing with me???" (Leo swims away)

The Best Documentary of the Year is not nominated for an Academy Award.

It's called END OF THE CENTURY. It's about the mutherfucking Ramones.

I hate movies about musicians. Why?

Drugs and pretention take precedent over why the music is important.

"The Doors" is the best example of this. Oliver Stone has always been a button pushing hack. He is the Ralph Nader of Directing. Touch on some points... play with some facts... get to Orso and then panhandle when you are out of money again.. "Will work for epic"

But he won't dine with the middle class or cross Sepulveda. Show up every couple of years like the second string groundhog who gets passed up every Feb. 2. . I never see either of these guys during mid term elections. As if hippies weren't bad enough... rich, entitled hippies are worse.

Why is it that rich hippies always get worse weed than poor ones? It's all seeds from Mexico.. who are you trying to impress? BUY AMERICAN!!!!

Jagov.

Well.. buy American west of Barstow... north of Sacramento. Just north of the joint you get you Shiraz from... (which is a Hecha-la-zami-white name to bring back Merlot.. after Paul Giamatti crushed it. When fat bald men crush your product... that really sucks... Avery Schrieber made Doritos BAZILLIONS!)

There have been two movies who have combined these issues... RAY and WALK THE LINE.
RAY was a much better flick.

But this Doc on the Ramones is some of the best filmmaking I have ever seen on a band. No showboating like they are drunken poets, no Beatles crap, no self worshiping...

This is what happened.

Did we have problems? Sure!

Sure it would have been entertaining to see someone throw a Jerry Springer Cymbal at someone. But when they talk about their problems and differences.. it sucks you in a bit more... you want to know what is behind the eyes...

"End of the Century" is just a bunch of stuff that happened to some guys. But it's the most honest movie about a bunch of guys ever.

And it's no different than anything that happened to you. Your closest friends; you have had to pull them up when they lose, you have had to suck up your schadenfruede when they win and you have really have to applaud them at some time. In that Burgess Meredith turn your head and say "Just Cut Him" kind of way.

So I am sure the Penguin movie or Smartest Guys in the A Not So Smart Movie will probably win the Oscar. But someone should send something to the Filmmakers of END OF THE CENTURY... send flowers .. SOMETHING!

I got a Big Job On TV.

I am also happy to announce that I am the newest cast member of the Simpsons.

Can't blame the Harvard Nerds for Wanting to keep it real. Man those nerds make a ton of cash.

http://www.devilducky.com/media/41026/

What, you think I could just continue to make money blogging?

Porn Accountant NO MORE!

Well I quit my flinging flanging job today! I have hung up my thong and Crackpot is NO longer a Porn Accountant!!! the Hell you say???

You thought I would be stuck in this bullshit job for forever!

At least I did.

What have I become?

What could a man of my stature and girth possibly find work as....

To what depths did I sink this time?

Join a crack ninja team of Arcade Legends? My first real job WAS hustling pinball.
My beautifully aged skin kept me from winning one of my accutane lawstuits,
Cheap Wedding Favors salesman? Please nothing with the word wedding in it...
Did I finally find a buyer for Barbara Bush Sex Tape... I know I know.. I should have made one with the younger Barbara.

I am still on the depths of accountanting... but NO MORE PORN... No more reviewing the buy rates for "Butt Detective #1 through #4" and "7-18," no more searching for the billing ID for "Humping Ned's Behind"

AH, I will have to adjust my blog duties, but watcha gonna do?

The Sex Pistols

Wow, the surviving Sex Pistols dont really think much of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I could go on and on about this one.

But you are better off just reading their letter.

Something tells me Green Day's response will be somewhere along the lines of Sally Field's Academy Award speech.

Springtime

Ah Spring..

I love Springtime, the February Rains have cleared out the smog, the AVP, MLB and the "no bra law on Melrose" are just 30 days away, March Madness is on the horizon.

It's almost enough to make you want to wear a flimsy dress.